Since Cole is too busy being chauffeured around Vegas in a gold limousine to trouble himself with watching this week’s results show, this recap is being guest written by TV/pop culture/dancing Asians fan Heather (@HeatherRecently on Twitter). Cole will be back next week, assuming he didn’t lose a tooth (or find a baby) during his absence.

Cat introduces the show looking gorgeous in one-shoulder red dress and cherry red lipstick. She uses a cocktail analogy that somehow implies a hangover. I can only assume this is directed at Debbie Reynolds, who took Wadi with her to the assisted living community last night and played strip bingo into the wee hours of the morning (citation needed).

The opening number is a Dave Scott piece featuring the top 20 dancers as androgynous businessmen dancing to that one song, you know, the one with the piano riff from all the commercials (Sinnerman by Nina Simone). It’s very Matrix meets Minority Report meets Beach Party, given the interesting decision to put the dancers in matching Bermuda shorts. Cat comes out and introduces your… JUDGES, actually delivering her catchphrase for the second time in a row. Debbie, whose cream and gold patterned outfit was provided by Grandmas-R-Us, says that she enjoyed the “new experience of being off the stage.” Clearly, this is further proof of her late night rendezvous with Wadi. The filler performances special guests will be Rage Crew and LMFAO singing with Quest Crew. This announcement puts my ovaries in an uproar since Hok (of Season 1-3 and ABDC champion fame) and Ryan (Season 1 finalist and co-ABDC winner) are the greatest thing to happen to the b-boy world since the beanie. Who can forget Ryan’s signature back flip into a headstand, or Hok’s stunning Season 3 Wade Robison hummingbird performance with Jaimie Goodwin? Mary Murphy without her meds, that’s who.

Back to the show. The first 3 couples are Sasha & Alexander (Team Sweaty Narcissism!), Caitlin & Mitchell (Team Blue Zebra!), and Missy & Wadi (Team Chuckle Nair!). Caitlin still sports a cut on her face from when Mitchell “accidentally” punched her during their routine. I think everyone knows what really happened there. It’s called love, people. We pretty much knew Missy & Wadi were in trouble with their so-so cha-cha, and sure enough, they are in the bottom 3. Cat reveals the other 2 couples to be safe, and hugs, tears, and screams are had by all.
The next segment is a big fat commercial for Gatorade and their sponsorship of the show. We get to see the dancers sit through a live infomercial for a line of nutritional products and throw away their contraband Pringles. Next up, it’s Miranda & Robert (Team – oh forget it) whose Nappy Tabs performance to Break Yo Neck was one of my favorites this season so far. Take two insanely gifted choreographers, two very capable dancers, toss in some Busta Rhymes and some feathers and you’ve got a routine more explosive than the asshole of a newborn with diarrhea. Has a Nappy Tabs or Travis Wall performance ever landed its dancers in the bottom 3? According to my memory and trusty confirmation bias: nope. Crowd favorites and early standouts Melanie and Marko, who aren’t rolled in flour for yet enough week, did the well received Sing Sing Sing routine. To no one’s surprise, both couples are safe.

Then it’s between Jordan & Tadd’s impressive Viennese Waltz and Ivetta & Nick’s “well, they tried hard!” Bollywood number. Luckily, Jordan & Tadd are revealed to be safe. If she had danced her solo, she would’ve given herself two big black eyes, and the audience 200 big black boners. Cat unceremoniously tells “Ivetter” & Nick that they are in the bottom 3. They nod along with a sense of defeat and walk the green mile across the stage.

Finally, it’s between Ashley & Chris, Clarice & Jess, and Ryan & Ricky for the last spot in the bottom 3. After a review of Athley (is her lisp cute? sexy? distracting?) and Chris’s sexy jailhouse performance, they are told they are safe. It was a solid routine, but there is something very offputting about seeing a young, innocent girl lust after a pockmarked, incarcerated John Lequizamo lookalike. Anyway, that means one of the final couples is safe and the other will be forced to dance for their lives (but not really of course, even though this is a FOX show).

Ryan & Ricky had the crotch-revealing Addicted to Love dance with costumes that suggested more of an addiction to meth, while Clarice & Jess did the awkward Stacey Tookey number. The judges worked themselves into a lather over the “raunchy” jazz piece and only gave subdued commentary to the lackluster contemporary. Naturally, Ryan & Ricky are— in the bottom 3? What? Jess’s Groucho Marx eyebrows spoke for us all when they jumped 3 feet into the air.

Moments later, the stage is taken over by a swarm of inappropriately dressed children known as Rage Crew. Clad in leather pants, halter tops, and wallet chains, they do what can only be called a combination of cheer, hip hop, and Toddlers & Tiaras pageantry. The kids are very talented and do the high energy choreography with attitude, but the showcasing of Mini Scary Spice as she shakes her allowance-maker was enough to make anyone feel more than a little pervy.

Wadi does a fun but not fantastic solo, although seeing him defy physics by rolling up from the ground onto his toes is a treat. Missy reminds us where her hot pocket is throughout her stage time, and Nick, well, taps. Cat compares him to “JT” but without specifying which one- John Travolta or James Taylor. Both analogies have merit, since he certainly doesn’t dance like someone that’s banged Brit-Brit. Ivetta stomps and wiggles around the stage covered in disco ball pubes. She has the most impressive of the solos so far.

After the break, Ricky delivers a powerful performance full of leaps, extensions, pirouettes, and even some incredible body rolls. He looks like a dancing piece of licorice. In a good way. For the final solo, Ryan whips her trademark blonde curls back and forth in a passionate dance, but one that doesn’t quite hit the mark. The judges go off to deliberate (although Debbie was probably wandering around backstage looking for the shirtless Wadi)… and we finally get to see Quest Crew!! Oh, and LMFAO, which is exactly what I did when I first heard their lyrics. The Quest boys look like they were dressed by Will Smith, circa 1990. Hok may have even stolen Mitchell’s zebra snuggie. Even though they look like time traveling asylum escapees, Tim Gunn would be proud of the way they “make it work.” Personally, I can’t help but to grin like a Cheshire cougar every second they are on stage. They are absolutely phenomenal in their choreography, skill, tricks, and presence. Boys, if any of you are reading this and need help getting a green card, I’ve got a marriage certificate with your Japanese name on it. The camera constantly snaps to close ups of the “singers” and misses huge portions of their dance, though, which is borderline criminal. The band tries to dance along with Quest, which is as embarrassing as when Oprah would lip sync along with superstar musicians. Exactly the opposite of schadenfreude. Google it.

Now there’s nothing left but to make the 4 cuts. Nigel tells Missy she’s a faultless dancer, and that Ivetta’s Paso Doble with Pasha was unforgettable. A teary-eyed Ryan is told her routine didn’t show her full potential, but she is the one that gets to stay. Cat asks Missy “best bit for you?” which comes out sounding more like “besbit feryu?” After asking to have the question repeated (there is a language barrier here, folks!), Missy’s answer is a simple “you guys,” pointing to the other contestants. In her confusion, she then gives an Oscar acceptance speech. After the girls clear the stage, Mohel Nigel prepares to cut the boys. Wadi didn’t do enough in his solo, Nick is charismatic with a twinkle in his eye, and Ricky has never danced better. Needless to say, he is the one that is kept (which Ryan is relieved to hear) and after the requisite crying and hugs, Cat tells him to “get off.” Oh, those sassy Brits! Nick gets choked up telling everyone that he loves them like family, and the credits roll.

By my math, that leaves 8 couples to perform next week. The group doesn’t have any real stellar dancers (with the arguable exception of Melanie and Marko), but they are all very competent and strong. Depending on the way the styles are chosen, I’m going to predict Clarice and Chris are going home. Anyone care to make it interesting? (you know, with an animated chart or something, because I’m a Jew and Jews don’t gamble).

That wraps it up! Thanks to Cole and Vanessa for letting me do this week’s results show recap. And by that, I mean thanks for going to Vegas and thanks for having better shit to do this weekend, respectively. We all look forward to the return of Cole’s insight next week… on SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!