You watched. You predicted. And now, it’s time to find out who won…

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It’s here. It’s FINALLY here. The final SYTYCD finale!

This was going to be an epic recap full of REAL LIFE TALES from the live show itself, because one Heather Recently was able to snag tickets to the finale taping! But, those of you who listened to my “I didn’t think she’d sound like THAT!” voice on the just-released Chelsea Lately panel episode of our beloved Pop My Culture podcast and/or recognized the past conditional tense of the previous sentence will know that the misanthropic gods of reality television decided to turn away a couple hundred eager fans from the gates of the CBS Studio lot yesterday afternoon. Among those law-abiding, ticket-holding, hours-of-line-standing fans was yours truly… so please excuse my truncated recap. I had big plans, you guys. Reeeeeal big. But never fear, the recap is here! Read More | Comments

Here we are, after thousands of awful auditions and passionate performances alike- the So You Think You Can Dance finalé! The final four will be competing not for some worthless NCAA Championship (or is it NAACP? I always get those two confused), but they will win the COVER of DANCE MAGAZINE!!!! Oh, and “$200,000 to share” –which I can only assume means the female winner will get 74 cents for each dollar the guy makes! Hurray!

There is no opening group dance, possibly because four people don’t really count as a group. Cat introduces Nigel, Mary (who is in disguise as a gay disco ball), and director Rob Marshall, who was able to take time off from his day job as Romney’s body double.

The show starts with a gender bending Paso Doble- Eliana is the matador & Cyrus is the cape, which boils down to him wearing a dress and matching red ear discs.

She is powerful and majestic, even through the Swiffer move across the floor. Cyrus performed the most terrible cartwheel in the show’s history, but his solid partnering made up for it. Mary compared his challenges with the genre to “skinny dipping with snapping turtles” in a completely uncalled for moment of painful imagery.

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Have you done your monthly self-exam for breast and/or testicular cancer?

Great! Then it’s time to recap So You Think You Can Dance!

Coming back for his second year as a guest judge, it’s JT Fergs from Ann Romney-bot’s favorite TV show!

Adorned in an off-white tux, a bow tie that looks like it was used to clean up a chocolate-covered blueberry disaster, and the finest in peach fuzz invisi-beards, Jesse is clearly here to paaaaaaahhh-tay!

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What do you get when you cross Stomp, Anything Goes (from Broadway), and The Artist?

A TRIPLE TAINT ATTACK!

And yes, that IS Mr. Tyce “It’s Not Spelled Like The Cookie, God Damnit” Diorio on the left. He’s filling in for Karate Cole, who suffered some kind of minor injury that may or may not involve a chaffed chode.

Tonight’s opening number was dedicated to Gene Kelly and his widow, who took time off from shooting her latest movie, “Basic Instinct 3: Even Basic-er” to be in the audience.

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