Besides the honor & glory (hole not included) of winning, our top predictor will become the proud owner of the PMC Prize Bag! Fresh from LA’s celebration of National Dance Day, the winner will be receiving an Ovation channel drawstring backpack, a “A Chance to Dance” t-shirt (size medium, never worn unless you’re into that kind of thing & want me to wear it on a jog in the heat of the day after forgetting to apply deodorant), a pair of promotional fan thingies/single use ping pong paddles from Ovation and Cirque de Soleil, and a collectible sheet of American choreographer USPS stamps with a First Day of Issue certificate and envelope!

As early as the first & second live performance shows, one of you was on the mark with comments like “I feel like Eliana could go far (technique meets some edge)” and “Eliana has a Jeanine vibe… and just like that former winner, once she’s not with her quirky hip-hop partner I think she will do really well.” The accuracy continued as this person called plenty of eliminations and nailed the eventual co-champions well ahead of the actual finale.

Congratulations, Melissa W! You CAN predict, and you did it well! Thanks for all of your great comments throughout the season. I always looked forward to seeing what you had to say about each new episode.

But wait, there’s more!

After only the 4th performance show, this comment appeared: “Who I think will make it far – Eliana, maybe Chehon?” Whaaaaaaaat! That was out of the entire Top Ten pack of dancers, by the way… and like Melissa, this viewer also had plenty of correct picks, and called the Eliana/Chehon win the week before it was announced! So… congratulations are also in order for Megan, who will be getting a brand new Pop My Culture t-shirt! Way to go, girl.

To all of you that keep me going with your lovely and hilarious comments: Melissa W, Megan, Crystal, Pete, and Darcie, thank you so much! It’s nice to know that you’ve enjoyed reading these ridiculous recaps, and your comments provided me with precious, precious validation.

See ya ’round the internet!

-Heather

PS Alex Wong 4EVA!!

This was going to be an epic recap full of REAL LIFE TALES from the live show itself, because one Heather Recently was able to snag tickets to the finale taping! But, those of you who listened to my “I didn’t think she’d sound like THAT!” voice on the just-released Chelsea Lately panel episode of our beloved Pop My Culture podcast and/or recognized the past conditional tense of the previous sentence will know that the misanthropic gods of reality television decided to turn away a couple hundred eager fans from the gates of the CBS Studio lot yesterday afternoon. Among those law-abiding, ticket-holding, hours-of-line-standing fans was yours truly… so please excuse my truncated recap. I had big plans, you guys. Reeeeeal big. But never fear, the recap is here!

Sort of. In the spirit of Twitter, CliffNotes, and Movie-A-Minute, please enjoy this photo montage accompanied by some brief captions/reactions. Please also share your own one-liners in the comments! Finally, I’ll announce the SYTYCPredict winner of a fabulous PMC/SYTYCD prize bag (literally!) very shortly. Thank you all for reading and replying this season- it’s been plenty of fun!

“Who here ordered the deLIGHTful Thaesar Thalad?”

A subtle nod to The Last Supper, or just beautiful staging of dancers?

In the Kama Sutra, this is appropriately called “The king of the world”.

Oh, and by the by- I FUCKING CALLED IT!!  Let me remind you of my original recap from this dance: “Expect to see it come back in the season finale and on tour, because… this one is unforgettable.” BOOM.

It’s a shame that Debbie Allen’s breasts are not on speaking terms.

George is hungry for that sweet, sweet tapioca pudding.

Nigel calls him “a beautiful human being.” I call him a tender chunk of love & happiness.

Fresh hot booty, straight outta the dumpster!

“His hair reminds me of a warm safe place…” Aw, those sweet children of hers!

“Who’s got two thumbs, a spray tan, and an assortment of random shit out of the “red” bin at Michaels? This gu—wait, where are we?”

(PS She pronounced it “the Holly-cost,” which is coincidentally a financial figure related to her shoulder ornament)

Candid photo from a screening of The Human Centipede

“If only Heather were here in my arms…”

If you’re FAAAAAbulous and you know it, raise your hand!

Nipples & a grin: the title of Lady Gaga’s latest single?

Nazi symbolism or not- this dance WAS OFF THE CHAINS. In the words of the great Sublime: they can tut and animate like a motherfuckin’ riot!

“We must go! Our planet needs us.”

“YOU SAID THAT SCONE WAS GLUTEN- FREE!!”

Homeboy’s got the golden ticket to SWAAAAAAGTOWN.

Good to see Ryan & Nathan (both sitting on the right) make a minor comeback

Whoever came up with the idea to combine the Top Ten and 10 All-Stars for one season-ending, Tony-worthy, roof-blowing-off number deserves a goddamn parade, because what you are about to see is riveting. Also, this transcends being categorized as a mere dance… so let’s just indulge in a pile of pictures.

Because what show would be complete without ANOTHER District 78 remix?

SHIT JUST GOT REAL, YO!

Y’know what they say about guys with big codpieces…

I desperately wish this picture of Alex would replace the “pissing Calvin” meme…

Junk in the jungle trunk

In Africa, do they call it “hyena style”?

Lion King leapfrog!

Comfort is INTENSE.

Look, I know I’m only allowed to use the word “epic” once a year, but there is no other way to describe it. This NappyTabs showstopper was nothing short of epic. If I *had* been in the audience, there’s no way my eyes wouldn’t be leaking out of my face. In-fucking-credible.

That’s it. Nothing left between us and the results. By now you probably already know who won, but the top female dancer is-

ELIANA!!!

We liked her from day one, and she is definitely the most deserving of the honor. Congratulations, girl! We’re so happy for you!

As for the boys, it was a battle between personality and technique, growth and versatility, the streets and the studio. America’s favorite male dancer is-

CHEHON!!!

I suppose it’s right that he won, and he’s certainly as talented as they come. Still, I was really pulling for Cyrus and seeing his heartbreak is, well… heartbreaking. But this is Chehon’s big win! What an honor!

Aww, they’re beautiful!

Thank you all for following along through the months. What a great series this really is, even if they screwed me on my ticket…. but no hard feelings! Cat is yet again the absolute best host there is, and through all of the ups and downs, the producers have put together an extraordinary masterpiece of a season.

There is no opening group dance, possibly because four people don’t really count as a group. Cat introduces Nigel, Mary (who is in disguise as a gay disco ball), and director Rob Marshall, who was able to take time off from his day job as Romney’s body double.

The show starts with a gender bending Paso Doble- Eliana is the matador & Cyrus is the cape, which boils down to him wearing a dress and matching red ear discs.

She is powerful and majestic, even through the Swiffer move across the floor. Cyrus performed the most terrible cartwheel in the show’s history, but his solid partnering made up for it. Mary compared his challenges with the genre to “skinny dipping with snapping turtles” in a completely uncalled for moment of painful imagery.

Sonya Tayah is paired with Tiffany and All-Star Will (dreadlocked black guy from season 4…?) in a dance best identified by her costume’s distracting weird garter belt things.

It’s pretty but not memorable, and you can see Will struggling in places. Rob gives minor nod to 9/11, which was reverent and honest.

Eliana and Chehon are partnered for- ballet!!!! With a real Russian choreographer! To the Nutcracker! This is the first time real, classical ballet has been in the finalé, with two CONTESTANTS no less. It’s a real shining moment in SYTYCD history.

Chehon is on display in full bulge glory, and Eliana is decked out in pointe shoes, a tutu, and tiara, just like a Disney princess or fierce child pageant competitor. They are absolutely beautiful and, as Rob notes, the epitome of versatility. Chehon partners with similarly-sized Eliana much more easily than Will did with petite Tiffany. It’s also a nice surprise to see both of Chehon’s parents in the audience! Mary is overcome with emotion (or painkillers) and starts weeping.

Tiffany & Cyrus get hip hop with a choreographer that looks like she’d be more at home in a store selling homemade incense and healing crystals than teaching booty twerkin’.

The music is from Beyonce, and even though the piece has a 90s vibe for some reason, it’s very well done. Nigel notes that neither dancer has ever been in the bottom 2 or 3.

Overall, it’s a fun, interesting routine & both dancers are equally strong. Cyrus manipulates Tiffany so easily that I’m beginning to think her previous partner Will should get checked out for early stages of Stephen Hawking disorder. (note- I’m not a licensed medical professional)

The Top 4 DO come together after all for a “quirky Tyce Diorio” dance, which is like saying “an action-packed Michael Bay movie” or “a shitty E! reality show.” The song is (remixed) by- prepare yourselves- District 78! It starts with classical music, and the dancers perform beautiful ballet and lyrical movements… but then the music changes and it gives way to moments of jazz, hip hop, and just plain weirdness set to Star Wars noises.

The first half was intentionally mocking the serious, conservative ballet, and it came across in a very disrespectful way (in my opinion). The whole thing reminded me of Julia Stiles’ character’s audition piece from “Save the Last Dance” where she starts out doing ballet then switches into hip hop, but both genres were treated equally. Why couldn’t you have done something like that, Tyce, you jackass?

My memory isn’t great, which is just another way of saying I’m pretty dumb. That’s my excuse for forgetting that Eliana was partnered with Cyrus for the first several weeks of the show. In her pre-solo clip package, she’s very likable and sincere, not at all annoying, and just a consistent dancer.

The solo itself was in textbook Eliana garb- tutu, pointe shoes, sports bra. Her front walkover thing on pointe- wow! Even with lipstick all over her teeth, she’s still beautiful.

Chehon & All-Star Allison are with Stacey Tookey in a dance where he wants her to pursue her dreams (of… being a yoga teacher?) Stacey admitted that she’d “find myself gasping and screaming” while watching Chehon in rehearsal… SEX REHEARSAL. When the song info appeared- it’s from “Once- A New Musical”- we know it’s gonna be awesome.

Chills. I was out of my body watching it, thinking “I’m seeing something magical happen right now, for the first time, and I’m going to remember it for a long time.” There’s an incredible one hand lift, Chehon’s signature leaps and turns, and a full mouth kiss! They were really in their own moment, and it was stunning. Standing O of course, and when the camera cut to Stacey’s reaction, you could see that she was so proud. Mary told Chehon that he was “free at last!”- does she know that he isn’t black? Nigel said he was watching Allison breathing before the routine, “psyching herself up,” and I couldn’t help but think he was probably doing a little “psyching up” of his own.

Things take a strange turn when Eliana and Tiffany are paired for a burlesque/Broadway number. With a pole. Nigel is foaming at the mouth & penis. Luckily, it was in good non-gropey hands with Ray Leeper. The song, “When You’re Good to Mama” from Chicago, is already suggestive song but at least their costumes & pole moves are relatively tame.

The dance is very, very well done with some ridiculously difficult choreography. It’s also not the sexiest dance we’ve ever seen- thank god! Rob, who directed the 2002 Chicago movie, was busy “trying to imagine Queen Latifah doing that”, hopefully putting Nigel’s own pole back in its place. Cat cemented her role as Best Host Ever when she said about Nigel “let’s drown him out with applause!” Wise words, girl.

Speaking of forgetting things from the early weeks of the show- I’d forgotten how good Cyrus’s solos are. Tonight he blew us away in his understated style to the same song from his very first Atlanta audition, I think (let’s be honest- it’s hard to tell those songs apart).

Tiffany really flew under the radar in auditions and Vegas, and was never featured until making the Top 20. Even then, she was so similar to Audrey she didn’t have her own identity- something that’s evident even looking back at past recaps here. Dancing with Ade was her breakthrough moment when people finally knew who she was.

The boys have a Sonya dance, and of course, District 78 music. The lifts & partnering are delightfully homoerotic. Sonya does a great job in making sure both dancers’ strengths are used.

I never noticed before, but the two of them are built almost exactly the same- in the shadows they are identical besides the hair. Cyrus is Nigel’s “favorite person on the show” and Chehon is his “favorite dancer on the show”. We know Eliana is his favorite female dancer, so maybe that leaves Tiffany the title of Nigel’s “favorite dancer to fantasize about”?

Guest dancer Jean Sok, a French one-legged Asian b-boy, takes the stage for a solo. What, was the Samoan blind dwarf tap dancer unavailable?

Chehon’s pre-solo clip package really gets one thing across- that boy loves his mom. He started his solo with the coveted plane ticket to Vegas, and his song was appropriately called “This Is How It Ends.”

Eeeek! It’s the heavenly Alex Wong with Eliana! And it’s her first time dancing with Travis Wall! Talk about a finalé. They changed the game with their Bang Bang dance a few weeks ago, and how they’re with the best goddamn choreographer? I am vibrating with excitement.

Off the bat, the cliché/cheesy song choice (“Without You,” performed by Harry Nilsson but covered by everyone from Mariah Carey to Air Supply) made it hard take to take this piece seriously. It was beautifully done, the dancers were passionate & effortless, and Eliana’s extensions & pointed toes are simply unreal, but… the song was the worst. Nigel calls it his favorite routine of the night, and Eliana his favorite dancer of all time on the series- damn! I really, REALLY wanted to like this more, and maybe if I see it again on mute I will, but I’m left feeling a little underwhelmed.

Tiffany and Chehon have a rumba with former contestant and current shirtless wonder Dmitri. Will these goofballs be able to pull themselves together to dance as if they’re in love?

Between the stunning set design and romantic song (Love Me Tender by Norah Jones with Adam Levy), this looks like a wedding dance more than any kind of “sexy Latin ballroom.” Maybe I just don’t know what a rumba is, but this dance is soft and mellow. There’s not any great chemistry as Mary says, but it’s lovely and safe.

It’s the first ever animation routine with Cyrus & Twitch! Another big moment not only for the show, but for an ecstatic Cyrus. Oh, and guess which numerically zoned band is doing the music?

This WILL be one of the most memorable dances in the history of the series between the killer dancers, revolutionary style, and literally explosive start of the dance when the boys smash out of their glass enclosures (and my lady boner smashes out of my pants). As Dancetradamus, I predict that kids will watch this dance over and over, trying to learn the moves à la Thriller, and a new generation of hip hoppers will appear in next year’s auditions.

With the show moments from closing, Nigel manages to make it really, really awkward. And not even sexually, for once. He tells Cyrus that he’s not voting for him (in favor of Chehon) because of how hard Chehon has worked as a trained dancer. What the fuck, Nigel? First of all, nobody asked! There isn’t some obscure bylaw that states “Nigel must declare which male dancer he will vote for at the end of the show, but don’t worry about saying anything about the girls.” Second, let the guy enjoy his last moments of (well deserved) adoration on stage after experiencing a once-in-a-lifetime event! Finally, the comment killed the whole mood of the show and made everyone visibly uneasy. Nigel’s weird “I love your bones” compliment (?) certainly couldn’t make it all better.

What a way to end the show… but it was pretty damn spectacular between the ballet, Stacey Tookey’s showstopper, crying dancers and judges, a stripper pole, and Cyrus in a dress. Next week’s SYTYCD will announce the grand prize winners, and here at Pop My Culture we’ll reveal the winner of the So You Think You Can Predict prize pack! We’ve had a good run, guys. See you then!

–Heather

The opening number, with music courtesy of “I’m All Out Of Milkshake Profits” Kellis, has a distinctly Phantom of the Black Material Girl Swan vibe.

The guys went kooky & did their 3-second introductory solo in each others’ styles. They all made a “C” hand gesture (since that’s everyone’s first initial), then Chehon imitated Karate Cole, Cyrus imitated Chehon (sorta? He just acted “regal” and took a sweeping bow), and Cole did some simple but impressing “animation” moves. So clever, boys! I almost couldn’t tell you all apart! I caught a long suffering “sheesh” look on one of the girl’s faces, as if to say “didn’t you guys get the memo? We’re NOT here to make friends…!”

Tonight’s dancers will be doing a solo, a duet with another contestant, and a duet with an All-Star. The judges will be doing… jack shit. Last week’s votes have already determined the Final Four. No one will be saved. No one will be housed (shoutout to Doug Benson).

Joining the pointless panel is the fluffy haired Christina Applegate, whose TV husband Will Arnett just announced his latest project: divorcing Amy Poehler. I am genuinely sad to hear the news, mainly because of how much love I have for Amy. She’s arguably more likable than Jen Aniston, which is really saying something. May their marriage rest in peace.

Where were we… right! Dance! Tiffany and All-Star/Ross Geller’s second cousin Benji Schwimmer (really!) have a Jean-Marc Genz’ swing dance with not one, not two, but THREE cartwheels! (cue flashing lights, confetti, and go-go girls)

Correction: 3 cartwheels and a TAINT TO THE FACE. Uh, no thanks. It was very high energy and fun, with lots of twirling and grinning. The “judges” loved it, and C-Apps revealed that she and Benji are in a lyrical class together—wtf? (Also- Christina played Rachel’s sister for a few episodes, so that’s THREE Friends references packed into the beginning of this recap. Boom. This is some professional level work, guys.)

Cole finally gets a chance to break away from his past roles as abusive puppy-kicking addicts and embody love, which is totally what he’s all about, you guys! But since the dance (with Melanie) is from Sonya Tayah, this is what “love” looks like:

Melanie did a lot of the heavy lifting here, both literally and figuratively, but Cole did well too. The thing that struck me the most about this whole thing, though, is how good of a “judge”/commentator the Apps is. She noticed Cole’s sloppy pirouette foot, she talked about the “fluidity of gender” in the choreography, and she had some beautiful things to say to Melanie too. Plus, breast cancer survivor!

I swear, Eliana gets all the best partners. This week she’s dancing with Twitch to a post office themed hip-hop number by Christopher Scott. Twitch promises to make it “first class delivery”, and I just wish *I* could be signing for his package (sorry).

Not as impressed with this as I’d hoped. First of all, I don’t really like Twitch –LET ME FINISH!—as a goofy, fun loving character the way he is here. Second, Eliana was cute & bubbly but not nearly as flawless of a technician as she is normally. Finally, the difference between their skill levels with those sharp little popping moves was emphasized in a bad way. Twitch was like an epileptic lizard, while Eliana looked more like a snake on Valium. Christina (whose opinion, apparently, is the only one I deem worthy of mentioning) told Eliana that while she’s not going to be in a Jay-Z video anytime soon, she could do the YMCA all day long (the dance equivalent of singing the phone book) and it would be lovely to watch. I reach for my vodka when Nigel says the dance didn’t have enough meat for him to get his hands on.

Side note- who the hell is District 78 and why are they responsible for a good 93% of the songs on this show? Someone is getting laid or paid every time their music is featured, because that name is popping up more often than Nigel’s Little Ben at a cheerleading convention.

Up next, on a very special episode of Oprah: watch what happens when one man introduces his mistress into the bedroom; will his wife and exhausted mother of his 7 children be into it?

Whoopsie, that’s just Chehon with Tiffany and All-Star Katherine.

The dancers’ solos aren’t worth commenting on, but Tiffany’s clip package is. It was almost entirely comprised of her hugging the undead sister and the two of them talking about how much they love each other. Seriously weird, you guys. I thought they were gonna start making out. It’s almost weirder that they didn’t.

Tyce Of Th’Oreo starts talking vaguely about the dance he created for Chehon and Katherine as if it’s about the Holocaust or 9/11 or the day you couldn’t get Crispy M&M’s in America anymore, but I think it’s about what happens when you can’t find your suitcase at baggage claim.

Also, no big deal but I’ve done this trick plenty of times with my dog. These aren’t photos of me, but…

Also:

The dance goes over very well.  Standing O, lady tears, the whole bit. Somehow, Nigel makes it about how brave & noble the Fox network is to air stuff like this. Mary & Christina can barely get through their critiques without dissolving into full blown crying. Maybe it’s because I was having such a blast looking for the above photos, or maybe it’s because I’m heartless and unfeeling, but this dance didn’t move me the way it moved them. Sure, it was very well done and I can see how it’ll be memorable, but all the emooooootion and striiiiiiiife seemed forced to me.

Witney is headed to the altar with All-Star Marco for a lyrical piece that involves her having second thoughts about marriage and him getting borderline domestic abuse-y. But hey, she’s Mormon and of legal age, so it’s totally cool, guys!

This is pretty good stuff. For a ballroom dancer, Witney does a beautiful job, both technically and artistically, with this piece. Marco is a great partner that never pulls the attention from her, and the chemistry between them is believable. Ms Applegate makes a great comment about the “hairography” distracting from Wit’s face, and I continue my fight against sobriety when Nigel wishes the two of them would’ve stayed married so that he can see next week’s divorce choreography. It’s nice to hear him say that the reason they’ve “saved” her (twice, I believe) is that the choreographers & judges keep saying that she’s a star.

Ohhhhhh Cyrus. You and your adorable hip hop fashion. In this week’s rehearsal, his shirt says “How much dub could a dubstep dub if dubstep could step dub?” I can’t say for sure, but I think the answer is approximately 1 Skrillex. What I *am* certain of, however, is that his pairing with Comfort for the first ever Dubstep routine is either serendipitous or rigged. Either way, I can’t wait! In case you aren’t terribly familiar with the dubstep style, the delightful and brilliant comedian Guy Branum (who you may be hearing in the near future, podcast listeners…!)  put together this explanatory video for you as part of his Factuary series.

Before we begin, however, I just want to address two quick things. First of all, Cyrus was introduced by his “street name,” Glitch, in the beginning of the season but no one has referred to him by that name since. Maybe because it sounds too much like Twitch (which is technically supposed to be written as “tWitch”)? Or maybe Cyrus is a unique and cool enough name on its own? Also, how come no one ever talks about his wonky gaze?

I’m not sure if his eye is lazy or drifting or what, but it’s time someone addressed it… and that someone is me. What’s the story, pal? I’m into that “soft focus” look, for the record… it works well on Kate Moss, Emily Robison of the Dixie Chicks/Court Yard Hounds, and even Michelle Obama, and thank god Cyrus doesn’t look nearly as whacked out as Paris Hilton.

Let’s get back to the show, shall we?

Whoa… there is some intense tutting and gliding going on here, and the audience LOVED it. The veteran was out-danced by the newbie for the first time, too! C-Apps is down with the drop and even more down with the idea of throwing pens through Cyrus’s ears. As a Cyrus fan, I gotta love when Nigel responds to the chatter about “why is he still here? He should’ve been gone weeks ago” with the fact that he’s NEVER been voted into the bottom! Suck it, suckers. Mary makes a comment about him being in “the Comfort zone,” which is decidedly less creepy coming from her than if it’d come from Nigel, and Cat refers to the dancers as the President and First Lady of Dubstep in a “is she or isn’t she being racist” moment.

That’s the end of the All-Star duets, but there are three more contestant dances to go. Witney & Chehon start out with a Cha-Cha, where he bumbles a lift/grab thing and generally fucks up. Witney predictably does fine, even though Mary unpredictably calls her Rachel Lindsay by mistake (BOOM 4^th Friends ref!). After Cyrus’s solo to a classical/opera song (seriously, who does that? more importantly, who else could totally pull it off?), Eliana and Cole do a sheep-inspired Mia Michaels dance. It’s interesting and weird and very Mia. Nigel indicates some history of tension between himself and Mia, while Mary and Christina praise the dancers up and down; Christina calls Eliana “the perfect dancer.” Tiffany and Cyrus get an adorable, cheeky Broadway by Spencer Liff that explores interracial teenage romance in the 50’s with a dash of stripteasing. As weird as that might sound, it’s very entertaining and well appreciated. Somehow Nigel gets on the topic of “Honey Boo Boo Yogi Bear” before the show switches over to the guest performance by AXIS Dance Company. The able-bodied and wheelchair-bound pair reminds me of the talented paraplegic singer Ali from this year’s Glee Project, who was in that show’s final 3 but lost out in the end to a tall Bieber-haired actor boy… but that’s another blog for another day.

With all that behind us, who’s going to be on the finale show on Tuesday? Time to find out! Starting with the girls, all I care about is Eliana going through- Tiffany and Witney are a toss up. The first finalist is revealed to be… Tiffany! I sure hope that means the second girl is…. yay, Eliana! Witney misses out by a perfectly coiffed blonde hair, and we move on to the boys. No surprise that my favorite is Cyrus here, and Chehon’s ballet background makes him my second choice. Who’s the first male finalist? It’s Chehon! They cut to Eliana jumping around like crazy- do those two have a little sumthin-sumthin going on? Hmmm! Finally, it’s between the ninja and the hoodlum… Jackie Chan and Samuel Jackson… teriyaki and barbeque… uh, have I gone too far? Anyway, the final finale finalist is… CYRUS!!!! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!!! WHOOOOO!!!!!

Ahh, this is gonna rock! Thank you all for reading along with me, and I can’t wait to bring it all home for you next week!

 -Heather

Great! Then it’s time to recap So You Think You Can Dance!

Coming back for his second year as a guest judge, it’s JT Fergs from Ann Romney-bot’s favorite TV show!

Adorned in an off-white tux, a bow tie that looks like it was used to clean up a chocolate-covered blueberry disaster, and the finest in peach fuzz invisi-beards, Jesse is clearly here to paaaaaaahhh-tay!

Another format change for the Top 8 means each dancer will dance with an All-Star AND do a solo after their e-Harmony video profile. Tiffany is first up, but her clip package seems to be from her older sister’s memorial service…? It’s 90% past tense reminiscing about unnamed big sis with a few of Tiffany’s sound bites thrown in at the last minute. We learn that growing up in Florida means you have to love 3 things- but according to Tiffany, they aren’t Jews, the elderly, and elderly Jews, so someone needs to get their facts checked. Her solo is to a song by the Glee Cast- Fox is going super meta. At the end we see Mystery Sister in the audience… or is it HER GHOST?!? What a thrilling mystery!

Witney’s hip hop duet with Twitch was created by new-to-SYTYCD-USA-but-not-SYTYCD-Canada Luther Brown. It promises to be extremely “ratchet.” It does not, however, define what ratchet means…

..but apparently it means “seriously good” because Witney took this dance, hung it by its hind legs, performed a clean incision from sternum  to belly button, removed the abdominal organs, skinned the hide from the carcass, and processed it into a variety of fine cuts. Even her facial expressions were ghetto fab. Nigel’s Perv Quote of the Day was delivered early in the show, with: “Do all young 18 year old Mormon girls from Utah dance like this?” Trust me, the crazed look in his eye made it clear that he was mentally removing Witney’s “diaper pants” (as Jesse termed them).

Oh hey, look what’s next! The most uncomfortable prom threesome in the world!

Will shares his transformation story about how he want from a naughty little chubster to high school homecoming king that’s knee deep in pussy 24-sevs, then Cole and Allison hit the stage. He’s playing “a soulless, sadistic man” and she’s “a desperate woman vying for his heart” in a piece that Sonja Tayeh might as well call “My Childhood Lacked Positive Role Models”.

Despite a song littered with screeching violins and screeching Bjork (also note Allison’s feathery white gown, possibly a nod to Bjork’s infamous swan dress), this was pretty spectacular. I don’t know that I’d say Cole was the star of the show, but to his credit, almost all of the already-difficult lifts also had super-duper-difficult holds. Look at this shit-

One arm! He lifted her AND held that position! This dance cemented my admiration for Allison more than anything else, but Cole certainly didn’t fuck anything up.

Lindsay’s home life is about as squeaky clean as it comes- she has three blonde-haired blue-eyed sisters, they all dance at her perfect and beautiful mom’s dance studio in Utah, and there is probably a collection of Marie Osmand dolls on display somewhere in their house. In contrast, her solo was enough to send a few million missionaries down the river and through the woods, if ya know whaddaye mean.

(I mean ejaculation.)

I was really looking forward to Eliana’s dance this week, but my spirit is dampened a little when she gets the Quick Step. The story is basically the suburban 1950’s version of Sonja’s routine: bored housewife craves husband’s attention/peen.

I gotta say- this was surprisingly fun and engaging to watch! Eliana and her All Star Ryan (*shrug*) were in absolutely perfect sync from beginning to end. Mary gave Eliana’s technique a shrill, Xanax-laden seal of approval, and Jesse even made a point to praise last week’s Bang Bang dance because he “honestly cannot stop thinking about it.” You tell ‘em, Uncle Mitch!

Chehon was born in Chicago, got adopted by Swiss Sally Jesse Raphael & Andy Warhol, then went off to Ballet Hogwarts to perfect his dance wizardry.

His solo was beautiful- it was like that dancing plastic bag scene from the beginning of American Beauty, but with less homophobia and suicide. Cat pointed out that his munchkin mother was in the audience for the first time, too!

Lindsay and Alex are paired with Sonja for a jazz piece (a little bit of a weird fit for both Alex AND Sonja) that Lindsay describes as a “chilled out” sexual attack. That’s what I imagine happens when Honey Boo Boo’s parents are feeling frisky- raw sexual passion that doesn’t involve putting down the Cheetos or Keystone Lite. Anyway, luckily for us, that scene only exists on the cutting room floor at TLC.

The dark red lighting is very much reminiscent of Alex’s dance last week, the music comes up, and they—NO. Seriously? They’re using that Goatee-Yay song?? Literally ANY OTHER SONG would’ve been less cliché. Hell, Yakkity Sax would’ve been an improvement.

The choreography is very… writhy. I have to agree with Nigel (even though it makes me feel dirty)- great technique, but he “didn’t feel their sexual tension”. Mary calls it “a ‘no’ in the chemistry department” (so much for a SYTYCD/Breaking Bad crossover), and Fergie tells Lindsay she’s “ding-dong-dorable.” If she doesn’t put that on her gravestone, I hope Joey Smith or whoever doesn’t let her into Mormon Heaven.

This is Will’s big shot at showing us his alleged “serious side” with a Christopher Scott hip-hop number. His character has to “dance the pain away”, which is ironic because Lauren Gottlieb is on stage with him the entire time.

(she landed on the couch, unfortunately)

It was kinda “meh”, although the judges seemed to like it. JT nailed it when he described Will as “an adorable puppy, covered in puppies that are adorable with stickers that say ‘adorable puppy’ wearing a hat that says ‘I’m an adorable puppy’.” Nigel praises him for downplaying his usual cheesiness, but imagine how different it would’ve been with Cole or Cyrus in that role. He’s still got a ways to go. Also I probably should mention that Nigel makes a joke about having Lauren appear whenever he’s down, and he’s planning to be “down tonight”, so…. ugh. Enough, Nigel. We get it. You’re a horny straight man and you want to stick it in all the girls and aren’t you such a dapper gent for not running around with a raging boner all the time.

Lindsay II Witney, also Mormon, comes from a small town and a huge family. Stop the presses.

They show a 2-second clip of her on a horse, which tells me everything I need to know.

(Warning- horse talk ahead.) First of all, she’s in shorts. That’s like showing up for a ballet class in jeans; you don’t do it and there are good reasons why (namely, chaffing, pinching leather, and the lack of protection for riding through brush or even getting your leg smushed up against a fence). Her boots are that “fashionable” slouch style which is entirely inappropriate for riding. Her toes are pointed deep into the stirrups- another red flag of having no idea what you’re doing. She’s riding with two hands in a curb bit-kind of a nitpicky error to point out because there are times when it’s OK, but in her case, it’s because of her inexperience. She’s pitched way forward in her saddle, the saddle pad doesn’t fit her horse right, and she’s riding with the horse’s halter on under the bridle- something I always associate with rental horse strings. She may be a brilliant ballroom dancer, but she is NO equestrian!

Now that I’m off my high horse (hyuck hyuck hyuck)… I think it’s funny the way her dad is so uncomfortable with the sexuality of ballroom dancing, but he’s part of a culture that obviously has no problem with making LOTS of babies.

Wow, things really got political there. Sorry about that. Witney’s dad makes it through her solo with a begrudging smile, then Cole tells us about his awkward childhood which led him into martial arts and dance. He even won a Junior Olympic silver medal at age 11, so that’s pretty cool.

Cyrus and last year’s pixie-haired winner Melanie have a Mandy Moore jazz dance.

Even though it’s quirky and weird- and not in the good way- Cyrus is just so darn fun to watch. He sticks his tongue out, makes a bunch of silly faces, his ear disc thing goes flying just as Cole (Stratton, your PMC host with a sizable amount) predicted several podcasts ago… and as Nigel points out, he hasn’t been one of the bottom dancers, even though he’s never heard of Bob Fosse.

Eliana went to the Joffrey for ballet when she was 16, which goes to show how exceptional of a dancer she really is. Her solo is a beautiful blend of traditional ballet en pointe with lyrical and contemporary elements mixed in. As Cat comments, it will have lots of little girls at home saying “Mommy, I want to be a ballerina!”

Chehon and Anya tackle the Tango, where with the Latin music and style he looks like a Shark from West Side Story.

Everyone loses their shit like they did with last week’s Eliana & Alex dance… standing O from the judges, people were crying, babies were conceived… it was intense. Mary put Chehon on the HTT and called it her favorite dance of the night. Not to be outdone, Jesse lets Chehon aboard the Hot Jalapeño Bus, and Nigel spares us any comments about what type of transportation he has to offer Anya.

In Cyrus’ clip package, he talks about the death of his dad when he was 10 and how his mom has been a strong presence in his life. So strong, in fact, he decided to take her to prom.

This is the first time since Vegas week that he’s done a solo in his style- which is pretty amazing considering how long ago that was. But it was worth the wait- his feet barely left the ground, he didn’t have any fancy tricks, but I got chills! His performance had that effect on the judges that white people get when they listen to a Too $hort CD with the bass turned all the way up- they get ghetto. Nigel started throwing gang signs and screaming “ratchett!” like a reeeeeeal black person.

Speaking of street cred, Tiffany and Ade apparently can’t stop singing along to their Celine Dion song. Side note- I’m pretty sure that’s him in the video of the guy doing the front aerial that they show right after the commercials are over, and I’m in awe every time.

You guys, I have the hugest jealousy boner right now. He manhandles her like she weighs nothing (which isn’t far from the truth) and even though the song is cheesy as fuck, they make it borderline erotic. It’s another standing ovation/tear-filled reception by the audience and judges. It’s Tiffany’s best dance of the season, according to Mary. I have a bone to pick with Cat and Nigel though- they BOTH say “to quote One Direction, (Tiffany) doesn’t know she’s beautiful.” Uhhh have you guys seriously never heard that Sammy Kershaw song from (…googling…) 1993?? Granted, the syntax is slightly less eloquent, but let’s give credit where credit is due! Between this and Witney’s horse thing, this episode is NOT very redneck-friendly!

That’s the end of the dances and my long-winded commentary. Let’s get eliminatin’! The bottom two girls are The Ballroom Twins, and the boys are Will and Cole. (Confession- my heart fluttered when I saw the look of relief on Cyrus’ face when he realized he was safe!) In a moment of “déjà vu”, as Witney notes, it’s between her and Lindsay one final time. Without any real explanation, Nigel says Witney’s the one they’re keeping. He doesn’t offer any reasoning with the boys either, but they keep Cole, sending Lindsay and Will off the show. No big surprise with the boys since Cole is more versatile, especially as an actor, and the girls are so similar that you might as well draw a name from a hat.

We’re almost to the end of the season! Next week it’s down to Witney, Eliana, Tiffany, Cyrus, Cole, and Chehon… who do you think will make it? Tell me in the comment section, along with what you thought of the show and whatever else is on your mind. It’s almost time to announce the winner of our PMC SYTYCD prize pack, too, so keep those comments coming!

–Heather

A TRIPLE TAINT ATTACK!

And yes, that IS Mr. Tyce “It’s Not Spelled Like The Cookie, God Damnit” Diorio on the left. He’s filling in for Karate Cole, who suffered some kind of minor injury that may or may not involve a chaffed chode.

Tonight’s opening number was dedicated to Gene Kelly and his widow, who took time off from shooting her latest movie, “Basic Instinct 3: Even Basic-er” to be in the audience.

Since we’re down to the Top Ten, that means it’s my favorite time of year: All Star Time (or, “Let A Minor Celebrity Grab You By The Crotch Season)! Our first duo is Tiffany and chocolate nugget/Wayne Brady stunt double Brandon with a difficult disco. There are 11 tricks in all- or as Brandon tells us, “AY-LEV-EN!”.

Disco isn’t anyone’s favorite dance genre, but when it’s as exciting as these two make it, it can be a blast. He whips her around like the little spinner she is (Urban Dict’ if you’re unfamiliar with the phrase) and she seems to enjoy every moment of it. Plus, who WOULDN’T want to wear those sequined, crotch-breezy pants?

Witney seriously lucks out when she’s matched with the unambiguously gay duo of Travis Wall and Season 1 winner Nick Lazzarini for her choreographer & partner, respectively. Things get a little weird when Nick offers to give her “sexy lessons” during rehearsal—I don’t think there’s much she could do short of wearing a Channing Tatum mask that would turn him on.

The concept is that they’re ghosts dancing together when nobody is watching, but I think it’s just an excuse for them to use whiteface. Also, Patrick Swayze taught us that ghosts can’t interact with objects in the physical world without intense focus, yet they toss that old timey microphone around like it’s a SIDS baby?? Do your research, Travis! Beyond those technicalities, the dance is well done. Guest judge Benjamin ThousandFeet (who has something to do with Black Swan… I kinda tuned out that part) pointed out the juxtaposition between tension & release, and the way time seems to stand still then jump forward. That’s what made it interesting to me… although Nigel’s favorite part was how Witney was “even sexy when she was breathing!” Where’s that shot glass?

Cole, who is apparently magically healed, is paired with a decidedly thinner & less Russian-looking-than-when-we-last-saw-her Anya for a Cha Cha. Their choreographer is the shirtless Soviet wonder Dmitry. Do you think those two talked shit about Cole in Russian during rehearsal?

“Vat dos dees guy sink ee iss doing wiv ees armsminksis?”

“He ees such a jokislav!”

We can only dream.

Despite the bare chested homage to his choreographer, Cole only managed to give a lukewarm performance. Mary harped on him for a lack of chemistry and sloppy balls (… of his feet, but I hear what I want to hear).  Poor Cole is left trying in vain to find Platform 9 ¾ of the Hot Tamale Train.

When Lindsay was shown with the next All Star, Jakob from Season 6, it had me asking “…who the hell was Jakob from Season 6?” After a quick Googling, I pulled up a few photos. Perhaps you recognize him now?

–because I don’t. Sorry pal, but even though I’ve seen every episode of every season, you just slipped through the cracks.

They’re given a Broadway routine by Spencer, and it involves some androgynous shadow dancing.

This was about as sexy and interesting as watching Honey Boo Boo’s mom polish off a bag of Cheetos. Using her feet. And in case that doesn’t translate to some of you chubby chasing Quentin Tarantino-esque fetishists, I didn’t mean that as a compliment. The shadow gimmick in the beginning relies on perfect synchronicity, which was off. The rest of the dance had no connection or emotion from Lipless Lindsay or “Who’s Up for a Sex and the City Marathon” Jakob. Nigel called Jakob a master at going “a little bit further than straight,” which was either completely innocent or a hilariously Freudian choice of words.  Mary surprised me by putting Lindsay on the Train, which meshed with generally positive reviews from the judges, proving once again that my opinions can never be trusted.

Will shares with us that he’s had “a lot of experience playing the flute,” which should come in handy during his Bollywood number with Kathryn; her character as a snake is “the sexiest snake” Will’s ever seen. I dunno, I hear Sir Mix-A- Lot’s anaconda is seriously charming.

Despite the Indian costuming, music, and choreography, all I can see in this dance is how incredibly WHITE Will is. When Dave Chappelle writes a sketch involving a stereotypically Caucasian male, this is his muse. I realize how racist it is to call this kind of goofy, happy-go-lucky charisma a “white” characteristic, but seriously- watch the video again. Nigel calls it “personality” and “likeability”; I call it “whi-whi-HITEness.” That’s not to say he didn’t dance well, but I was completely distracted by his intense grin.

The second lucky duck of the night is Cyrus- he’ll be dancing with All Star Jamie to a post-apocalyptic piece by Travis.

Side note- some of you were mentioning Travis’ new Oxygen show All The Right Moves, where he works with Jamie, Nick, last year’s winner Melanie, past favorites Adé and Allison, and a team of other dancers and choreographers to create a dance troupe in LA. It’s basically a dance-themed version of The Real World or even one of the Housewives spinoffs- interesting people mixed with a lot of egos and drama. But it certainly looks to be more respectable than its peers, and you can’t deny the talent in that group. It’s currently just 2 episodes in (I’ve only seen the first, myself) but we’ll see how it affects Travis and his reputation.

Anyway, Cyrus is gonna have a lot of challenges with both the dance genre and the tough partnering work with this piece. Will he pull through?

Yup. This guy has emotional depth and, as Benjamin put it, “raw energy” coming out of his saggy earlobes. As a partner, he is absolutely solid and connected. As a technical dancer, there is obviously a lot to be desired… but that doesn’t take away from his overall performance. He’s still a dream to watch, and not just because of his ridiculous body.

Ugh, I’d almost forgotten about the flip side of All Star week(s)- having the people come back who you thought you’d gotten rid of. And by “people,” I mean Lauren Gottlieb. It’s no secret to my friends and family that I haven’t been able to stand her from her very first audition many years ago, and it’s only gotten worse. In fact, she was prominently featured at the otherwise wonderful National Dance Day event in LA, and her obnoxiousness was out in full force. Maybe she’s a lovely person, and there’s no question that she’s infinitely more successful than I am in dance and in life, but seeing her simply makes me cringe.

Luckily, Chehon doesn’t seem to have the same hang-ups that I do, because he’s going to be doing hip-hop with her. It’s a complete 180 from ballet, but if Cyrus can get though his dance this week, Chehon should be fine.

(I’m not a huge fan of violence against women, but I like this moment because it looks like he’s smacking her in the face. Probably for being such a stuck up bitch.)

Chehon found his groove! Well, he’s narrowed its location down to a 30 foot radius, anyway. The judges praise him for “letting go” of his rigid, controlled ballet training and feeling the music. He had some swagger, some soul, perhaps even some buckness. But most importantly, he had fun, and that’s all that matters (other than the potential fame, money, respect, and skyrocketing career that’s on the line… but other than that, it’s important that he had fun.)

George and Allison find themselves in that age old situation- he’s in Paris, trying to catch a train, but when he sees the drop dead gorgeous lady also waiting at the station, he decides his meeting can wait until after he’s done letting her straddle his face. Oh, and there’s a cane involved for some reason. And the railroad crossing sign is in English.

So maybe Tyce’s choreography isn’t the most realistic, but it’s interesting and it showcases both dancers nicely. The reviews are generally complementary, although Nigel criticizes George for “not being raunchy enough” while I chug what’s left of my bottle of vodka.

I can’t dwell on the last dance for long, however, because not only is pointe princess Eliana next, but she’s with ALEX MOTHERFUCKING I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM WONG!! You guys. When Alex tore his ACL during the show 2 years ago, I cried right along with him. I’ve confessed my undying love for dancing Asians on this blog before- they are to me what the Olsen twins are to Vanessa- and Alex will always have a seat reserved for him on my personal Hot Tamale Train. I’m more excited than when Jessie Spano got all hopped up on caffeine pills. Plus, with Stacey Tookey behind the… barre? you know it’s gonna be good.

Oh. My. God.

This dance… wow. Absolutely exquisite. Complete perfection. I wish Lil’ C was here to wax poetic on how remarkable that was. As soon as the lights started to come up, I felt like Tinky Winky because I wanted to watch it “again! again!” –and I did. (Shout out to the internet! Thanks, buddy!) Eliana and Alex got a much deserved standing ovation for their breathtaking work. She was the epitome of grace, control, timing, and passion. He was pure strength, finesse, and sensuality. Nigel called Eliana his favorite of the girls and the judges agreed that it was easily the dance of the night. If this doesn’t get Stacey nominated for an Emmy, I’ll have no choice but to make a series of empty threats (let’s be honest). Seriously though- what a piece of fine art that was.

No one would want to follow that, but Audrey and Twitch are at least worth watching. With the second Dave Scott hip-hop of the show, they have the task of closing things out with a bang.

Dang, that girl can get down! Twitch tells us that he thinks Audrey is good at hip-hop, and he’s not blowing smoke up her tiny ass. She manages to match him beat for beat and doesn’t let his extraordinary talent steal the spotlight. It doesn’t hurt that their Dracula/coffin routine is full of character stuff and personality, either. Mary is impressed with Audrey’s ability to “hold her own”, although Nigel & Benjamin wanted to see more from her. Hell, I can’t imagine how intimidating it must be to not only have to dance with super megastar Twitch, but to have to do it on his hippity-hoppity turf AND to have Eliana and Alex go up right before you. Way to go, Audrey!

That concludes the 10 duets, so let’s get to the reveal of the four bottom voted dancers from last week’s Mia Michaels Movement Montage. Of the girls, it turns out Witney and Audrey are “in danger” for their versions of The Bench Dance and The Dead Dad Dance. The boys are Chehon (who was partnered with Witney) and George, who did the Assisted Run Dance. The judges will “save” one dancer of each sex, and Nigel calls for all four to do their solos. Witney does her flirty, sexy shimmy thing, and Audrey explodes with a more passionate and powerful (not to mention more difficult) series of extensions and leaps. Chehon’s solo is peppered with aggressive spins and kicks, and George shows off with a backwards pushup body roll thing.

While the fates of the bottom dancers were being decided, the guest judge’s dance company performed a pleasant, but slightly boring, number that reminded me of figure skating. It was fluid, cadenced, and a little too slow to hold my attention after seeing over an hour of dance.

The judges have deliberated, and they are keeping Witney and losing Audrey. I’m a little surprised because I found Audrey to be more versatile, and it’s been said before but Witney and Lindsay are basically the same dancer… but I guess sex appeal wins out once again. In her clip package we are reminded that she’s the neck/shoulder farter from the auditions- ah, the olden days! Nigel then tells George that his solo was his best work on the show, and even though he and Chehon both have trouble connecting with the audience, it’s Chehon that “takes their breath away”, leaving George to go.

Next week it’s back to more All Stars, fewer dancers, and hopefully zero Lauren! Thanks for all the great comments everyone- let me know what’s on your mind for this show.

-Heather

Mother Nature Cat introduces the guest judges: two dudes “all the way from Britain” (nevermind that of the four judges and host, only Mary is American) who call themselves the Ballet Boyz. That’s Boyz with a Z, yo! We be straight ballin’ up in this joint! Check out these hardcore muthafuckas!

In other news, Tabitha popped out baby boy London, seemingly right in the middle of getting a manicure-

-and there’s now an official SYTYCD iPhone app. Because of course there is.
The top 14 launch into a Phantom of the Opera meets Cirque de Soleil (and as Nigel uncomfortably interprets later, 50 Shades of Grey) fever dream of a dance, complete with long stem roses, ropes hanging from the ceiling, and lots of hardcore lip locking. It’s ethereal, beautiful, haunting, and pretty damn weird. Of course, Mia put it together since this is HER NIGHT, people. Why are we honoring her as if she’s arabesquing with Jesus, again? Perhaps we’ll never know.

Tonight’s 7 dances will be recreations of Mia’s Greatest Hits- or to put it another way, dancing with furniture! Taking arguably less talented people and putting them into iconic roles has worked out well in the past (see Psycho, Flubber, and Nic Cage’s unfairly robbed of an Oscar 2006 version of The Wicker Man), so this should be no exception.
Eliana and Cyrus will be playing the roles of Katie and Twitch in Season 4’s “The Door Routine.” This actually doesn’t sound like a potential disaster since both dancers have similar styles to their original counterparts.

It’s… fine. Cyrus does some crazy floaty shit and Eliana charges at him like a housewife in heat, but it doesn’t have the passion and intensity as the original. The BBz admit they’ve never seen the show, ever. One of them tells the dancers that he’s there to offer constructive criticism, and in the same breath, simply states that he’s “excited”.  Oh, you Brits and your mysterious ways!
Before the next dance, we have a cameo by yours truly! That’s right! Your very own PMC recapper appeared on screen in front of the world. During the footage from National Dance Day in LA, I get some serious screen time. I’m the one in red waving my hands in the air-

No, not the one in the shorts. I’ve circled myself so that you can see me better:

If you recognize me walking down the street, don’t be afraid to come up and say hi. The fame hasn’t gone to my head and I’d be happy to sign autographs for a very reasonable price.
And speaking of cameos- look who it is!

Last year’s from-my-hometown Ryan Ramirez! Looks like she’s working as Mia’s assistant; you can also see her in the studio audience.
Anyway- on with the dances! Tiffany & George will be taking on Katie & Joshua’s “The Assisted Run” piece. I gotta say I don’t entirely remember this one, although I do recognize that running part…

…and these guys didn’t do it justice. Instead of a smooth suspended run, Tiffany did what looked more like a series of leaps, which threw off the cadence and destroyed the effect of weightlessness. She also had her hair flying all over the place (Katie’s was in a ponytail), which was a distraction. The judges liked it better than I did, but noted that it was a “different dance” than the first version and that they were too dramatic with the emotions.
Poor Amelia. She and Will end up (no pun intended) with “The Butt Dance.” I barely remember Evan and Randi from the first time around, but I certainly remember this Emmy winning choreography.

Their version is just as awkward and borderline demeaning as before, but they dance it beautifully. To no one’s surprise but everyone’s horror, horndog Nigel confesses that Randi’s butt has been “on his mind” for the past 3 years. He was unimpressed with their lack of strong character, but the other judges were generally positive.
The second Twitch dance of the night, “The Bed Dance”, is drawn by Janelle and Dareian. I’m suddenly reminded of how much I couldn’t stand Kherington Payne- even her name is fucking annoying!- but this number was definitely iconic and powerful. (I also suddenly remember how much of a douchebag John Mayer is. Shoutout to Jen Aniston- congrats on your engagement, girl!)

Janelle reveals that she is going through some heartache of her own, and it shows in her intense emotions. Dareian does an admirable job with his side of the bed, especially considering how much taller his counterpart was.  Even BBz #2 recognizes that “whoever this Titch guy is, he’s responsible for some great movement.” (Apparently “titch” means little or small in Queen Elizabeth-land, which makes this misspeak both funnier and more unforgiveable.) Dareian gets chastised for his feet and Janelle for her hair in what I thought was a less complimentary critique than they deserved.
Get out your tissues, everyone (unless you had them out during The Butt Dance…), because Mia’s “Dead Dad Dance” is taking the stage. Between the flowers and Neil’s hotness, who could forget when he and Lacey turned Mia into a sobbing mess? The pressure on Audrey and Matthew is palpable- do they have what it takes?

Not entirely. To be fair, look at the contrast in lighting between the two versions. The original looked like springtime in heaven, and the new one gives off more of a “dead flowers on a gravestone” vibe. As Mary notes, the passion is lacking even if the technique is solid, and it simply feels less like a celebration of life than a reminder of our mortality. Nigel goes on to nearly make the dancers shit their pants when he quizzes them on Mia’s father’s life story in an effort to criticize them. (“How old was Mia when he died? What did he do?” Dude, way to back them into a corner!)
Sidebar: in the comments of the last recap, reader Crystal suggested that Audrey looks a bit like a brunette Stevie Nicks, and I can’t say I disagree!

Hopefully Witney & Chehon can turn things around with their interpretation of Travis & Heidi’s Emmy winning “The Bench Dance.”

Nigel translates the meaning behind this dance for the first time- the sunflower represents Mia’s heart in a true story about the time she fell in love with a gay man who (obviously) couldn’t love her back. Saucy! My unrequited relationships only ever end in repressed sadness and permanent weight gain, not Emmy awards, but whatever, good for her. The judges finally gave their stamp of approval, and BBz #1 offered Chehon a job with their company “whenever you want it.” Score another point for heartbreak!
The final dance of the show is yet another Emmy winner- “The Addiction Dance” originally starring (the admittedly forgettable) Kayla & Kupono. Their names may not ring a bell, but seeing clips from the first time it was performed certainly jarred my memory. This one beat us over the head with the metaphor of fighting an addiction, but it was moving and effective.

Lindsay & Cole nail the fuck out of it. Easily the best performance of the night- between Cole’s dark, chilling character and Lindsay’s intense stare, you couldn’t take their eyes off these two. This dance was actually an improvement on the original, which is saying a lot. If these dancers end up in the bottom six & aren’t saved by the judges, then I give up on humanity. Again.
…but they are safely in the Top Ten! The bottom six are revealed to be Amelia, Janelle, Lindsay, George, Dareian, and Matthew. (Janelle and Darein are the only couple in the bottom together, which isn’t surprising if you remember their hot mess of a Cha Cha to Call Me Maybe. I guess the audience didn’t call them AT ALL AMIRITE GUYS?!? BOOM! UP TOP!) Nigel tells all six dancers that they’ll be doing solos, so I guess it’s anybody’s game at this point.
Amelia showcases her remarkable control when she slows and holds some difficult poses. Janelle fires her belly dancing missles directly at Nigel. Lindsay shimmies and shakes in a hot pink bird carcass. Dareian combines some serious martial arts with explosive contemporary moves and even remembers to point his toes. Matthew does quite a bit of rolling around on the floor and looking pained, which comes off a little desperate but not in a good way. “Gorgeous George” does a lyrical jazz thing that seems to impress these ladies:

With no further ado, Nigel announces that Lindsay and George are given another chance, while Amelia, Janelle, Dareian, and Matthew are left to ruminate over missing out on the national tour of the Top Ten by a hair. Meanwhile, the remaining dancers will be paired with all-stars next week! Since I can’t get enough of Twitch and Travis, I’d love to see them back again.

Tell me who you hope to see, along with your predictions for who’s going home and who’s going all the way, in the comment section below. There may be some prizes straight from National Dance Day in it for you…!

Exiting stage left,

-Heather

Our androgynous and possibly anti-Semitic Top 16 opened the show with some inspiration from Charlie Chaplin, an Umbrella from Cherbourg, and those cutesy black & white photos of a little boy giving the little girl a flower and the flower is colored in pastels and all the girls in the dorms had at least one of those pictures on the wall because OMG I’m totes into photography, you guys!

Ahem. It’s interested to note that with everyone dressed nearly identically, the only two dancers that stood out to me as being recognizable were Amelia and Cyrus. Fan favorites, perhaps?

Joining tonight’s “judging” panel (let’s face it, they use that word pretty loosely) is the freaking gorgeous Christina Applegate. Have you guys been watching her on Up All Night? She costars with Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph, for Peter Paul and Mary’s sake! It’s easily one of my favorites from the latest batch of sitcoms that came out this year. And who can forget her brilliant recurring character as Jen Aniston’s sister on Friends? Man, I’m so glad that show hasn’t been cancelled. (shhh, I’m very fragile).

OK- I’m back on my meds and ready to get my dance on. Or rather, ready for these kids to get *their* dance on while *I* sit on my couch and polish off the rest of this pint of Haagan Dazs… but let’s not split hairs.

The first dance of the show features Tiffany & George. It resembles an Ambien dream sponsored by Planned Parenthood, Romper Room, and Nickelodeon. Napoleon and Tabitha choreographed this babysitting dance based on their own impending real life nightmare bundle of joy. It’s art imitating life, y’all!

The judges were into it, but none more than Mary. She went off the deep end (even for her) while comparing Tiffany to a warrior. Rawr!

Amber & Brandon, who were newly coupled after their partners were voted off last week, got a SUPER sexy jazz dance. It’s time to trade in the 50 Shades nonsense for some REAL sexual storytelling, and these dancers paint one hell of a steamy sepia toned picture.

Christina couldn’t contain her erotic enthusiasm and exclaimed something about Jesus that ended up being bleeped. Now, I’m no professional lipreader, but I believe she said “…I’m not religious, but Jesus H. Motherfucking Christ I love the Pop My Culture Podcast.com site!” Your interpretations may vary. Nigel described it as “baby-making choreography”, which is both accurate and an instant boner killer.

Russian heartthrob Pasha returns to his old pirouetting grounds with choreography for Dareian (the daredevil! who’da thunk it!) and Janelle. They Cha Cha to the classic tune of… Call Me Maybe? Sure, this isn’t a show known for its traditional, stuffy song choices, but seriously? Call me when it’s over. The judges stopped just short of calling the routine a technical disaster with Nigel giving the harshest criticism in his arsenal: Janelle wasn’t sexy. I’m going to start taking a shot of vodka every time he mentions anything sexual; by the halfway point of the show, I’ll hopefully be blitzed enough to pretend like I never had those awful, disturbing mental images of what’s going on under his dance belt.

Lindsay & Cole are next with an absolutely gorgeous contemporary by Mandy Moore- not THAT Mandy Moore, as veteran SYTYCD-ers are fully aware. Maybe I’m biased because I love the song Wild Horses, but this version by Charlotte Martin (whose work you may remember from such hits as SYTYCD Seasons 3 & 4, a song in Sweet Home Alabama, and 2 songs translated into Simlish for The Sims expansion packs!) sent chills right through my stone cold heart. Plus, how could you not love a dance that includes an aerial teabagging?

With terms like “brilliant”, “genius”, “magical”, and “an enigma”, it’s safe to say the judges were equally blown away.

Amelia & Will have the pressure of following that spectacle with another Mandy Moore dance, but this one is a quirky jazz with a visual mashup of Victor/Victoria and March of the Penguins. It’s kooky, it’s wacky, it’s… too weird for me. The judges aren’t sure what to make of it either, but everyone can agree that Will is the best male partner of the pack. Even Mandy can’t keep her hands (and coslopus) off him in rehearsal.

The salsa, or as Nigel disturbingly calls it, “a cocktail mixer of sex and energy”, is next up with Audrey and Ryan Matthew. Remind me never to let Nigel buy me a drink. If you can imagine Beethoven’s Fifth being composed in a Cuban bodega, you’d have a pretty good idea of the soundtrack. Note to whoever is in charge of these things: if you’re going to focus on the dancers learning a specific trick in rehearsal, especially one called “the tornado”, maybe don’t choose a trick that ends up being altered to make it easier in the live performance. It was a clear giveaway that these guys have no idea what they’re doing.

The judges are underwhelmed, but more importantly, I figured out who Audrey looks like!

Chehon & Witney dance to her namesake’s iconic song “I Will Always Love You” (by Whitney Houston), and everyone loses their minds. The audience bursts into a standing ovation and probably some ovulations. Christina tearfully says “Stacey Tookey” three times fast, causing the choreographer to appear. She also gives us the metaphor of the night: “you were not just the muses; you were the painters.” Albert Brooks would be proud.

Things get a little weird when Mary calls Witney by the wrong name and Nigel praises Stacey and Cat for their Oscar nominations (it’s an Emmy, pal. Get it together!) but there is so much excitement over this dance that no one seems to care.

Finally, it’s time for Eliana and Cyrus, easily the oddest pairing of the show. They’re also kinda my favorites because I’m a huge sucker for a) classical ballet and b) crazy talented pop-and-lock type hip hop dancers. (I also have a real thing for dancing male Asians, which is why I’d gladly make baby hummingbirds with Hok or tear both my ACLs for Alex Wong.) Plus, did you see Cyrus’s badass belly button??

Fuck. Yes.

So their dance is a futuristic ballerina-come-to-life thing by Nappy Tabs set to a broken down remix of Brit-Brit’s Toxic. There are a few standout moments, like this tutting sequence:

and this, um… lift?

But even with everything going for it- a strong theme, great costumes, solid music selection, arguably the best hip hop choreographers, and definitely the best hip hop dancer on the show, it’s not one of my favorites. I really wanted to like it more. The judges and audience (thankfully!) disagreed. Mary “Street Cred” Murphy called it “crazy sick frozen good buck.” That sounds more like an entrée at a questionable hunting lodge than an assessment of the arts. They’re unceremoniously “both on the damn train” and we’re spared Mary’s trademark “whoo whoo” we’ve all grown to love/hate. The other judges agree, and Nigel comments that he’s pleased the gamble on Cyrus has paid off. Amen to that.

That concludes the duets, and it’s time to find out who was in the bottom of the barrel based on last week’s performances. The kids (I’m older than all of them, so I’m allowed to say it) line up and I’m reminded of the Sesame Street “one of these things is not like the others” song…

The bottom six are Amber, Lindsay, Eliana, George, Brandon, and Dareian. It’s worth noting that Amber and Brandon, who were only paired this week after losing their partners last week, are the only couple in the bottom together. In contrast to last week, the judges decide they want to see Amber, Eliana, Brandon, and Dareian do their solos. What does that mean for Lindsay and George? Is that a good thing? I’m just excited to bring back the New Year’s style “…3! 2! 1!” countdown as their stage time runs out, because I’m delighted by simple pleasures.

Amber is first up and WAIT WHAT THE FUCK- they don’t let the audience do the countdown!! This is bullshit. Next they’re going to get rid of Cat holding the mic out to the audience when she introduces “yooooour judges” and then I’m gonna get ruuuul pissy.

With the solos, Amber does a beautiful job, Brandon doesn’t do much of anything, Eliana is graceful and flawless, and Dareian is astonishing and my favorite of the four.

The judges deliberate while a group from Alvin Ailey takes the stage. All I see are six shirtless Taye Diggs clones in dresses. This pleases me.

Time to get to business. Of the girls, the judges save… Lindsay? Really? Nigel says she has “more room to grow” than Amber and Eliana. Maybe so, but she’s practically the same dancer as Witney and Eliana is so much more versatile and uniquely talented. Harumph…. wait! I forgot, they’re saving two dancers and only one is going home! They decide to keep Eliana too! Amber and her weaves are out. It’s fucked up that her “baby-making” dance didn’t make it to the voting rounds, (taking a puff on my cigar) but ‘ey, that’s showbiz, kid.

Of the boys, George is also saved right off the bat. That answers my earlier question about not being asked to do a solo- turns out it’s a good thing. Unsurprisingly, they also keep Darien after commenting on his incredible “save your life” solo and Brandon is booted. When his montage flashes back to his original audition, it’s clear that three seconds of that solo was much better than his entire solo tonight. What happened? He thanks Jesus (into the mic, because you definitely need some amplification to be heard up in the clouds) and joins his partner Amber on the Stool of Failure (patent still pending).

The show will be off for 2 weeks while the Olympians are busy Olympianing, but we’ll be back for the August 15^th installment. Now that you’re all caught up on the action, who do you think is in trouble next time? Will Cyrus meet his match with the contemporary genre? Will Mary’s forehead show human emotion? Tell it to the comment box!

-Heather

Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the creepiest SYTYCD-er of them all?

We know we’re in for a cool show when this is the first thing on stage. It’s exactly what you would expect if Marilyn Manson, Michael Jackson (circa Thriller), and choreographers Tabitha & Napoleon engaged in some frisky Eyes Wide Shut style copulation. There’s even a gratuitous phallus!

Tonight’s judges are Nigel, Mary (who had her shit together last week but looks like her dress is by Hefty tonight), and Adam Shankman. We’re reminded of the weird new format- the bottom dancers have already been chosen by last week’s votes, but that won’t be revealed until the end. Then, the judges will “save” one guy and one girl, leaving 4 dancers to pack their leotards and go.

The first dancers are Karate Cole & Lipless Lindsey, whose dental-centric routine to “Teeth” by Lady Gaga is reminiscent of Jen Aniston & Charlie Day’s characters in Horrible Bosses, or perhaps the hoards of sexy cosplayers & dorky dweebs of this weekend’s ComicCon. (Your very own Cole & Vanessa were also in attendance at the San Diego event, although they were costumed as badass podcast hosts.)

Amelie/Amelia and Will were given an unusually drab, safe Sonya Tayah dance. The judges loved its technical accuracy and the way the dancers “lost themselves in the movement”, but I found it neither exciting nor memorable. Then, Amber and Nick did the tango. It had more drama and stunts than the previous dance, and it’s a ballroom routine. It’s like hearing the news that Fred Willard was arrested for masturbating at an adult theater and subsequently fired by PBS; it’s wrong, but that’s what happened. The judges faulted Nick for disappearing into the background. Last week he was ripped a new one by his Viennese Waltz choreographer… things aren’t looking good for you, pal.

Sonya’s second choreography went to Audrey and “Are You Sure That Isn’t Ryan Gosling?” Matthew. It had much more of the quirk, unexpected movement, and excitement than her previous piece. Of course, the fact that Audrey and Matthew were last week’s unofficial favorites (thanks to Travis Wall) didn’t hurt either. Nigel praises their “stank steps”, complete with extremely unnecessary impression, and the rest of the judges agree that it was brilliant…. I think. I kinda tuned out because I was mesmerized by those baby blues and painted-on abs.

Janelle-y Belly Dancer and Dareian Donald Duck hit the stage with a sugary sweet lyrical to My Girl that ends not in Macaulay Culkin’s funeral, but in a full blown kiss that stirs up the horndog in Adam and Nigel. Nevertheless, it’s quite a departure from last week’s jungle rave and looks more like scene from a lost episode of Leave It To Beaver. Mary describes it best: “cotton candy; light and airy.”

Next is a really fun Broadway number with Janaya and Brandon dancing to music from Jekyll & Hyde, choreographed by Sean Cheesman. The scene that is portrayed- a woman reading a romance novel who tries in vain to get frisky with the dude sitting beside her on a park bench- is one that is happening with increased intensity as soft core porn erotic novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” takes the nation’s collective G-spot by storm. The SYTYCD version, however, replaces vaginal steel balls and BDSM gear for high kicks and whatever this is:

There are even a few moves that showcase Brandon’s hip-hop/stepping specialty. The whole number is dynamic, thrilling, and definitely entertaining. It’s the first Broadway this season, but I think it’s one of the better ones in recent years of the show. Adam points out that both dancers played their characters extremely well and really committed to their roles. Sean Cheesman did the African Jazz last week, and with this one, he’s quickly becoming one of those choreographers that the dancers will hope to draw.

Poor Cyrus and Eliana. They got the Jive, the Madden NFL curse of dance styles. Not only that, but Cyrus is easily the least experienced dancer on the show outside of his genre. This is the moment Cole and Vanessa predicted on the recent PMC podcast episode with Kathleen Rose Perkins, although neither of his saggy earlobes bore a bowtie. You at least gotta give the guy credit for confidently showing off his enormous black… smile. The judges gave him an A for effort and praised Eliana for her technical successes.

Daniel, the Australian ballerino by way of San Francisco, and Red Lipstick Alexa danced in and out of a bathtub to Yanni (probably a better choice of music than Whitney Houston)(too soon?). Surprisingly, given the superb technical ability of both dancers, they kind of got lost at sea (sorry). The judges didn’t believe there was an emotional connection between the two of them and it was just lacking overall.

Tiffany and George, who did the tapioca pudding dance last week, end up with the foxtrot tonight. Something about it reminded me of two kids dressed up in their parents’ formal wear twirling around on stage. It was very… twirly. Adam said it took him back to the 40’s and MGM days- what is it with this pair and time machines? The rest of the judges loved it and were very impressed by the difficulty and blah blah blah it was another ballroom dance.

Finally, Witney and Chehon dance a Bollywood piece. Their choreographer, Nakul Dev Mahajan, said there was no storyline and it was “all about the stamina, the speed, and getting the hands right.” I wonder if this guy is single, am I right ladies?!? The routine was sloppy and out of sync in parts, but given how insanely difficult it was, they did a great job. As the judges mentioned, it was certainly better than last week’s samba.

Elimination time, sponsored by Activia! OK, maybe not, but I can’t help but think someone’s missing out on a good marketing opportunity. The bottom six are revealed to be Janaya, Alexa, and Witney (what? she was on the freakin’ Hot Tamale Train!) and Nick, Daniel, and Chehon. Cat asks Nigel if they need to see anybody “re-dance”—wait, what (again)?? Apparently the judges knew who the bottom six were THIS ENTIRE TIME (very Sixth Sense/feather cat) and even consulted with choreographers to help them decide who to kick to the curb. No further dancing is needed- never something you want to hear.

The dancers are left to ruminate on their impending doom while we see a preview of the latest Step Up movie. All I need to know about it can be summed up in two names: Twitch and Travis. There are plenty of other SYTYCD alumni featured too, including Mia Michaels as both a choreographer AND an actor! Yes, please! It looks like the cast of Magic Mike doing Maureen’s protest from Rent and I couldn’t be more on board. Now, if the hunky lead Channing Tatum lookalike wants to take me as his date to the premier, I’ll be alllll set.

Ahem, back to reality. Nigel reminds us how democracy works, and then announces that they’re saving Witney and Chehon. That leaves Janaya, Alexis, Nick, and Daniel going home. Fair enough!

Who do you think will be in the bottom of this week’s performances? Leave your predictions (along with any other thoughts) in the comments, along with who you think is on track to be America’s Favorite Guy and Girl Dancer. Remember, your guesses could pay off in the form of a fabulous SYTYCD/PMC prize package!

Thanks for reading!

-Heather

We’re off with a samba, danced by Witney & Chehon.- Mary puts Witney on the Hot Tamale Train, Kenny compares her to “Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot, only hotter,” and Chehon is responsible for the first nip slip of the season.

Tiffany & George are next with a sensual, romantic dance by Sonya Tayeh. Sonya wanted them to melt like butter, and they certainly did. Things get awkward when Kenny tells us the piece brought him “back to his youth”, and praised the pair by telling them “they spilled it.” We can only assume he’s reminded of his own sexual encounters with… tapioca pudding?

Janaya & Brandon get Nappy Tabs, who by the looks of it, are going to be welcoming a new little Napster or Tablet into the world very soon. This dance will be remembered as “the alcoholic dance.” Am I the only jerk who was waiting for Janaya to smash the bottle like they showed in the rehearsal clip, only to be disappointed when they didn’t dance on glass shards? Kenny noted that he was glad to see hip hop being used to tell a story- hasn’t he ever heard of the infamously Oscar-snubbed Step Up 3D? Some people have no culture. In reference to Brandon’s choice of the girl over the booze at the end of the dance, Nigel tells us he’d pick Mary Murphy over a bottle of vodka “every time.” This is less believable than the entirely of the now-defunct TomKat marriage.

Alexa & Daniel are introduced with a jazz number. She likes red lipstick, folks! She also appears to suffer brain damage in rehearsal. Both are dressed in solid red with bleached blonde hair, looking like stunt doubles from Britney’s Oops I Did It Again video. This is when I realize I must be watching too much Dance Moms, because I expect every dance to end with the dancers on the ground caressing their faces. Their performances are good but not spectacular.

Amber & Nick chose the Lunesta of dance styles, the Viennese Waltz. Amber “hates sausage” while Nick’s dad works at the Playboy mansion. Sounds these two may be planning an off-campus excursion in the near future! Their choreographer, Jason Gilkison, really cuts into Nick during rehearsal, prompting Nigel to compare him to Abby Lee MilOHMYGOD!

She’s in the audience!!

I can’t believe they let us get halfway through the show without saying anything!

As the shock of the celebrity cameo wears off, Amelia, Will, and Amelia’s butt do the second Nappy Tabs piece that begins and ends in… a dumpster? The story isn’t a commentary on the pro-choice movement, however. It’s more “Lady and the Tramp” meets “Cats” with a dash of Fosse, and the dance heavily features some booty action. The judges predictably make several feline-based puns and predictably make us feel more skeeved out than a young Asian girl stuck in an elevator with Woody Allen.

Janelle & Dareian do an interesting and visceral African Jazz dance that looks like a rave in the jungle. Kenny starts to look dreamy and says the dance took him all over the world from Cuba to Paris to Brazil. Has he been drinking out of Mary’s cup?

Cyrus & Eliana draw a Broadway dance, “Run and Tell That” from Hairspray. One of the lyrics is “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice”, and Cyrus confirms the metaphor. He’s the robot-y “animator” who has never done choreography before the show, but his giant smile (and equally giant earlobe gauges) sell us on the performance. Eliana ditches the pointe shoes for sneakers and pulls off some impressive acrobatics. Nigel calls her the benchmark for the other girls to try and aspire to.

Audrey & Ryan Gosling Matthew are given a gift better than the shit those dudes gave baby Jesus: Travis Wall. As a dancer, he melted our hearts & saturated our panties. As a choreographer, he can do no wrong. This week’s Titanic-inspired contemporary dance is no expectation. Expect to see it come back in the season finale and on tour, because unlike Steven Segal’s music career (a real thing that actually happened), this one is unforgettable.

Exhibit A- chaise lounge leap of death:

I rest my case. The judges agree- best dance of the night.

Finally, Lindsay (who appears to have been born without an upper lip) and Cole (the ninja, not the Pop My Culture podcast host, although it’s an easy mistake to make) tackle the Paso Doble. The judges lose their shit once again, calling it the best Paso the show has ever seen. Personally, I think it looks more like a battle between Xena: Warrior Princess and Jackie Chan, but I know less about ballroom than I know about ball room. In my pants. Because I’m a girl.

In the comments, tell us which four dancers you think are going home, and let’s also hear who you think will go all the way to the title of America’s Favorite Girl/Guy Dancer! Remember, your guesses can earn you points towards the So You Think You Can Predict victory! It’s like an NCAA bracket, only better since you don’t have to deal with Nancy from HR’s bullshit theories on why God has chosen Gonzaga to be blessed with a trophy. Or whatever.

See you next week!

Full recap of this week’s episode of SYTYCD to come tomorrow, but first, an announcement!

Studies* have shown that 42.6% of the fun in watching reality competition shows is trying to pick the eventual winner. This year, Pop My Culture is proud to further reward your brain’s pleasure centers with So You Think You Can Predict!

There are two ways to claw and scratch your way to the top of the Pop My Culture heap. The show will eliminate one guy and one girl from each week of competition. Then, for the first time in the show’s history, it will bestow the honor of America’s Favorite Dancer to the top male AND female performer. You, dear reader/listener/person who got lost looking for cat videos on the internet, get points from correctly predicting each week’s bottom two, with bonus points awarded for picking the season winners. Admit it: you’re doing it anyway, so you might as well earn something for it! Protip- this philosophy also applies to supermarket reward cards and making sex tapes.  After the season finale, the So You Think You Can Predict Prize of the Century** will be presented to the victor/victoria.

Entering the dance battledome couldn’t be easier! (Actually, it could, but then we would be overrun with rapid chimpanzees and faceless corpses and our insurance company frowns up that.) Post your predictions in the comments section of each week’s SYTYCD recap on popmyculturepodcast.com. Points will be given for correctly naming the dancers who are eliminated on the following show (with partial credit for picking someone who is in the bottom three but is not sent home). You can earn bonus points for correctly predicting the overall season’s winners. Change your answer as often as you want, but only the most recent guesses count, and the earlier you choose your favorites, the bigger the bonus point jackpot.

Are you ready to piqué a winner?

Onward, to the hot tamale train!

-Heather

(*my arbitrary estimations)

(** pending, but will be more awesome than a gaggle of Gryffindors)

Hello PMC fans- this is Heather AKA @HeatherRecently on Twitter (remember me?) welcoming you all back to the recap marathon that is SYTYCD! Can you believe it’s been a year since our TVs have bestowed upon us the joy of Lady Gaga’s flying footwear, Lil C’s lexicon, and Cat Deeley’s cavalcade of costumes? With the auditions and Vegas’ hell week behind us (so long, exorcist man; thanks for coming, alien spaceship girl; back to the studio, dancers whose 15 minutes of fame were reduced to a half-second clip in a brief montage), it’s time to meet this season’s competitors.

Cat, who is herself stunning, struts out in a dress that appears to be inspired by the vomit & glitter-covered floor of a gay bar. Resident judges Mary “I Hope The Hot Tamale Train Is Hauling A Shipment Of Vicodin” Murphy and Nigel “Britain’s Age Of Consent is 16” Lythgoe are joined by actress Zooey Deschanel, but only barely. Zooey is disappointingly bland throughout the show and brings none of the quirk and adorkability she is known for.

We are introduced to the first 4 contemporary dancers via Tyce’s lovely but forgettable choreography. The judges decide not to choose between their two standout female ballroom dancers, so a flirty fun salsa three-way comes out next. Similarly, all three ballet dancers (including a pointe dancer, something we rarely see on the show) were put through to the top 20 and showcased in a powerful piece. Resident twisted bizartist (a word I just made up) Sonya Tayeh is the perfect choreographer for the pair of jazz girls, minus a temporarily ill belly dancer/bacon aficionado who also made the cut. A contemporary hodgepodge of four (including “silent movie” girl and the Ryan Gosling lookalike) perform, and the variety pack of a kung fu artist, a stepper, & a hip hopper/”animator” round out the top 20 in a brilliantly creative baseball themed dance by Christopher Scott.

The show isn’t over yet. The top 10 (well, 9) girls are breathlessly stunning in a Travis Wall dance that will easily join his already impressive list of career highlights. It’s as if Degas, Lars von Trier, and Maya Angelou combined forces, à la the Care Bear Stare, and birthed a pulsating mass of kinetic beauty. Cat summed it up perfectly: ethereal. The boys respond wearing… oversized maternity pants? in a “fierce” performance choreographed by Sonya. She compares the dancers to wolves, but the whole thing has more bark than bite. Then everyone takes the stage for a Mia Michaels routine that is evocative of both Michael Jackson and Men In Black III- in theaters now! There are some interesting moments, but it isn’t her greatest work. The camera cuts to a shot of Mia in the audience where she is almost unrecognizable, looking more like a Diane Keaton stand-in than her usual effervescent and slightly androgynous self. What’s going on with you, girl?

That wraps up this season’s first live show! Who do you think will go all the way, and who will get steamrolled by the Viennese Waltz or dropped like it’s hot in a hip hop routine? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for the announcement of an exciting SYTYCD contest from Pop My Culture!

Cole here! We’re getting down to the wire! It’s the Top 6, pairing up with the all-stars and each other (with solos to boot!), with the top 4 making the finale next week. Cat Deeley, wearing half dress/half pearled fisherman’s net, introduces each of the dancers and then turns to our judges (for those of you playing the will-she-or-won’t-she-say-it drinking game, this time the word came out of her mouth!). Nigel is dapper in a suit and purple tie and hanky; Mary Murphy is sporting a sparkly-shoulder-padded dress with her—TITS AHOY!—um, ballroom boobs on display; guest judge Christina “Kelly Bundy” Applegate looks darn pretty; and the self-proclaimed king of krunk, Lil C, is there to provide us with several high-scoring plays for Words With Friends. We see video of some Dance Day submissions from Sweden and Egypt, where people all over the world shake their groove thing and tolerate that crappy LMFAO song about party starting and having a good time.

First up is complete and total frontrunner Melanie! She’s paired with season 4’s Twitch. They’re doing a Nappy Tabbs hip hop routine about Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, only Red gets “buck!” Yes, it’s Little Red Swagging Hood, and they take the stage between several prop trees to pop and lock to Nicki Minaj’s “Roman’s Revenge.” It’s pretty awesome, and Melanie destroys it, all the more impressive since she is far out of her comfort zone. Lil C is the first to weigh in. He thinks the routine is fast moving and difficult, and despite some shakiness at the top, it soon gains super buckness (I can’t believe I just typed that). Christina is blown away by Melanie, and says that she gives her hope for dance (was dance dying? What did it have? Did we use some super new experimental drug on it? If so, we better be careful, or dance will rise up and take over the planet). Mary says in all eight seasons of the show, her brother has never called her to praise a contestant, but that he thinks Melanie is truly special. They compare her to Shirley Temple, and love her commitment and versatility. Nigel agrees, says she is phenomenal and that we’ll see her in the finale. I’ll be shocked if we don’t.

Sasha teams up with Kent, that little energy ball from Wapakoneta, for a Tyce Diorio routine that’s the furthest thing from Broadway he’s ever done (Jazz hands need not apply). It’s about a couple that has hit a (literal) wall in their relationship—wait, I’ve got a bone to pick here. Why are 80% of the routines this season about a troubled relationship? Everything is like “It’s about a couple at a crossroads who are trying to rekindle what they had but he/she is weak and he/she is abusive but they aren’t sure who they are anymore and there’s pain and hardship and longing and they have to dance to save their relationship but end up going the other way and a 5-6-7-8!” There’s a lot of raw emotion in the routine (and a lot of Spiderman-esque wall climbing) in the piece, and everyone gets caught up in it, to a point of it getting kind of annoying. Christina comments that although there have been better technicians on the show, she doesn’t care, it’s Sasha’s sheer emotion that makes her stand out. Mary thinks it was intoxicating from the start, and that it was dynamic and artistic. Nigel thinks Sasha is brilliant when she dances, really letting us into the routines, and—surprise—she’s back to his favorite dancer again! Lil C chokes back tears and comments on the unfairness of life, and wishes he had had the chance to work with Sasha since he admires her so much. It looks like a two-lady race to win this whole thing.

Marko, who picks up choreography like bullets take to his shoulder, is next with all-star Janette for a Dmitry Chaplin Paso Doble! It’s about a toreador and…an animal rights activist (I admit, dancing is more effective than signing petitions) who tries to save the bull from him (sadly, no prop bull or dancers in a cow outfit). It’s set to “Zorongo (Traditional)” by Antonia Gomez, with Marko wearing a golden matador outfit (or Freddie Mercury Sunday casual). There’s one great lift where he literally swings Janette around his shoulders like a cape. Mary makes a joke about them wearing similar outfits, and loves the style of the piece, even though he lost his footing from time to time. Nigel wanted a little more passion out of it, but thinks Marko will be fine come voting time. Lil C thought it was a pleasure to watch him and loved the dominance he had, particularly in his…crotch area. Christina admits she knows nothing about this genre, but thought he was great, but that he could have been even deeper with his…crotch area. We leave crotch chat and transition to…

A clip package of Ricky’s mom! Cat informs us that we’ll be checking in with the parental units of the contestants before each of their solos. After some motivational words by his mother, Ricky dances a leggy solo to “After Tonight” by Justin Nozuka. There’s no judge feedback on these, so we kick to commercial and come back to our next pairing.

Tadd teams up with Elenore for a Sonya Tayeh period piece about a couple who’ve never touched before—and then go all horndog all over the stage! There’s lots of lip locking, but even more twirling and dangling from a prop chandelier. Set to Beirut’s “The Gulag Orkestra,” its more Cirque du Soleil than dance piece, and although it’s super interesting, the panel is pretty split on it. Nigel thinks that it was…well, just it was. He wishes there was more actual dancing involved, and struggles to find the words to describe it. He’s clearly embarrassed by it. Lil C gives big ups to Sonya, and loves of she utilizes each dancer’s strengths no matter what the genre. He does wish that they had lingered in the moments longer. Christina tells them to get a room and marvels at Tadd’s Bboy versatility. Mary praises his ability and the fact that they utilized a dangerous prop so well.

Caitlynn’s mom weighs in from the states and her pops via internet from an oil rig. They love her, they are proud, blah blah blah (they are all like this really. So why do these packages? I don’t think it’s news that their folks would be proud of a kid who is realizing their dream on national television). She does her solo to Katie Thompson’s cover of “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” Its good, but really short, so not a lot happens.

Ricky and Jaimie get a Dee Caspary contemporary routine about *sigh* a couple who’s relationship is fading so he tries to stop her from leaving by…conducting her with two sticks. Now we’re talking! It’s to “Inside These Lines” by Trent Dabbs, and it’s a lot of Ricky pushing Jaimie around the stage with his two tiny batons. One wishes there was some renegade yarn or uppity chow main noodles on the stage for him to wrangle as well. Despite the odd concept, it’s danced well and the panel generally likes it. Lil C congratulates him on using a prop well, and then throws out this tongue twister: “What a magically magnificent puppeteer of physically rhythmic artistry you are.” Theater companies take note: You have a new vocal warm up! Christina thinks he is a beautiful dancer, but doesn’t dance with the clearest of intentions sometimes. Mary thinks it was some great free-flowing movement, with Ricky bouncing off the piano keys of the song. Nigel thinks it was a lovely routine and digs the concept, and thinks Ricky has great lines but could use a more grounded base.

We check in with Tadd’s Dad, who thinks he’s Rad, and doesn’t want him to do Bad, and that hypercolor shirts were a Fad, but won’t wear plaid. Tadd’s solo is to “We Speak No Americano” by Yolanda B. Cool & Dcup, and has lots of his signature Bboy floorwork in it. On the heels of that is another solo, this time from Sasha (oh, and her parents think she is like Peter Pan), who fills the show’s “must use a Lady GaGa song” contractual obligation and dances to “Teeth.”

It’s the last of the all-star pairings, with Caitlynn burning the floor with Pasha on a Dmitry Chaplin Samba! They challenge her to be sexy, and she is in her tattered Flamingo outfit, but mugs too much. Pasha’s shirt is open which I’m sure distracts the female (and many male) viewers. Oh, and it’s to “Drop it Low” by Kat DeLuna. Christina thinks she did really well, and is in awe of her body. Mary thinks she did great, and that their bodies were locked together brilliantly. Nigel agrees, praising the samba roles, but comments that she doesn’t have to pull so many sexy faces. Lil C agrees with everyone, and makes a swimming pool anology (swan dive, don’t cannonball!). Cat jumps on board and makes a belly flop joke. Sadly, no one tries to cap it with a Triple Lindy reference.

We see Marko’s Mom in Guam, who comments with aplomb! He’s the bomb! Marko’s solo is to “Wonderful World” by James Morrison, and he dives onto the stage and really attacks it. Melanie is the last to do a solo, and HOLE. E. SHIT. It’s PHENOMENAL. It’s to “Cracks” by Freestylers, and it gets an extended (and standing) ovation from the crowd and judges.

Time for the first of the contestant pair-ups! Ricky and Sasha take to the studio to learn a Kummari Suraj WHACKING routine. Yes. Whacking. It’s a lot of quick arm movements and looks like half-completed cheer moves. They dance to “Schoolin’ Life” by Beyonce, and it’s ok, but nothing fantastic. The judges are kind, probably to support their new choreographer (who is dressed as Miss Daisy, by the by),  though they talk about Princess Lockaroo and how superior she is at it (she was a contestant earlier in the season who got to Vegas by whacking, and then was whacked from the competition). There’s lots of wordplay about the whacking lacking or slacking, and it reaches a boiling point when Christina admits that they could have “whacked it harder.” Suddenly, a TV-MA appears on the screen…in my mind.

Melanie and Tadd get a Spencer Liff Broadway routine with quite a story—Tadd is an acclaimed choreographer and Melanie is his star! She’s fallen for him, and he realizes it, so he plays on her emotions to get a good performance out of her but doesn’t actually reciprocate the feelings. Quite a lot is packed into the routine, which includes a mirror and a chair, and the two pull it off very well. Nigel starts by praising Melanie’s solo, saying it was one of the best the show has ever seen before (find it on YouTube, people. It’s so worth it!). Not only is Melanie a beast, she’s an incredible actress, and he’s once again Nigel’s favorite dancer! Tadd “didn’t suck,” and he means that as high praise. Lil C loves the routine and its buckness (lots of male deer in these pieces!) and also calls Melanie’s solo “Beefy,” and compliments Tadd on his growth. Christina compares Melanie to Donna McKechnie in A Chorus Line (only better!), and still can’t believe Tadd’s versatility. Mary agrees with her colleagues, and says that America has fallen for both of them.

One routine to go! It’s Caitlynn and Marko and a Sonya Tayeh jazz routine set to “Heavy in Your Arms” by Florence and the Machine. It’s another abusive couple thing, but they amp up the intensity and excel. “Whatever happened to Disco?” wonders Cat, commenting on all of the heavy pieces in the show. Lil C pimps out his twitter feed (@kingofkrunk, if you’re wondering), explains hashtags to all of us and proclaims it to be ##buck (that’s a DOUBLE hashtag! Which would do NOTHING on Twitter and get buried! So yay, you!) Christina says that Marko is a beast, with powerful aggression, and that this is Caitlynn’s breakout moment, which everyone agrees with! Mary also comments that Marko is her favorite dancer!

We get the numbers and head into the final voting period before the last show! So get dialing, people!

Cole here! It’s the Top 8! It’s new(ish) All-Stars! It’s a recap! Here we go…

After the usual quick dancer intros, Cat Deely appears in a tight fitting white placemat dress and quickly introduces our JUHs (this time she took on the first syllable and let the audience fill in the rest, like that thing on Sesame Street or Electric Company or whatever it was—“Juh” “Jez”…”Juh”…”Jez”…”Juhjez!”). And my, what a colorful panel it ‘twas! Rob Marshall, director of Chicago and the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean flick, is so brightly orange he makes Mary Murphy look like Edward Cullen. Lady GaGa is here! She’s dressed like a Sgt. Pepper carnival nightmare, with giant red stilty shoes, round sunglasses, minty green hair and a red leather Captain’s cap. Mary and Nigel are there per usual as well. We learn that there are going to be twelve routines (oh lordy), each dancer with an All-Star and then paired together.

Sasha and Pasha are up first, doing a Jonathan Roberts quickstep. The choreographer preps it as a bizarre, alternate reality routine, set to “Puttin’ on the Ritz” by Terry Snyder. Sasha is wearing a headband made out of Father Christmas, and Pasha a suit with a bedazzled tie. THIS is supposed to be bizarre? It makes Must Love Dogs look like Mulholland Drive. It’s your typical well-danced but not terribly exciting quickstep, which should do Sasha no favors come elimination time. The judges are impressed, however; Rob thinks Sasha is astonishing and classy, and dances with meaning. Mary thinks she pulled it off, with an amazing upper body but that she needs to get her knees softer. Nigel admits that Sasha is his favorite dancer in the competition, but thought she was a bit too stiff. GaGa disagrees! She thinks Sasha nailed it, and is shiny in and out, which I guess makes her this program’s pyrite.

Next up is a Marty Kudelka hip hop routine for Caitlynn and Ivan. She’s fed up with her man, and Ivan shows up and wins her over, with the assistance of “Let Me Love You” by Mario. It starts with that favorite of dance props, a park bench, but quickly abandons it for a lyrical routine that’s danced fairly well. Bonus points to Ivan, who wears a fedora that makes him look like Hat Damon from The Adjustment Bureau. Mary thinks it was good, but wasn’t brilliant, though she can’t get enough of Ivan, and starts aggressively ovulating. Nigel thinks Caitlynn needs to get a firmer base and get down into it a little more, prompting GaGa to crack that of course he wants her to open her legs a little bit more. Cat then says a sentence that she probably never thought she’d get to utter: “What do YOU think, Lady GaGa?” GaGa is GoGo for CayCay! She thinks she is extremely sexy and starts aggressively ovulating. Rob thinks it was great, but that Caitlynn needs to lose herself a bit more in the dance.

Jordan and good ol’ Ade take the stage for a jazz routine from Tyce “Why does Cole hate me so much and always write crappy things about me?” Diorio! They’re supposed to be bad asses at a secret rendezvous, dancing to that traditional spy anthemn, “Nutbush City Limits” by Tina Turner. It’s mostly Ade throwing Jordan around the stage a lot, which reminds me of that scene in Daredevil where Michael Clarke “Kingpin” Duncan hucks Ben Affleck around his office. Anyhoo, they do nail it, and it’s not bad for a Tyce routine, so take that as you will, Diorio. Nigel remarks, “Is there anything that little body can’t do?” and starts aggressively ovulating (British men can do that, btw). GaGa can’t stop staring at Jordan’s legs, and loved when she looked right into camera to show her star power. Rob compliments Tyce (see, he used to dance for him) and loves how Jordan dances with abandon. Mary can’t believe Jordan’s amazing extensions, and is super impressed.

Melanie, who is going to win this whole thing, is up next with all-star Neil, doing a Mandy Moore contemporary routine. It’s an extremely athletic piece about a relationship at a crossroads, working things out to Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Melanie sports a white nightgown and Neil white PJ pants sans shirt (there must be a lot of cotton allergies in the dance world), and they absolutely slaughter a routine full of crazy lifts, dramatic elegant movement, and the most impressive trust dive ever seen on this show! They get a much-deserved standing ovation from the judges, and with GaGa in her ridiculous lifts, she looks like Peter Mayhew* towering over everyone else. Melanie is GaGa’s favorite dance and would hire her tomorrow, which sends Melanie into a giggling spiral. Rob thinks she is so poetic and has flawless technique, and loved that she let go of the dance in the final moments of the routine and became an actress. Mary can’t believe how brave Melanie was to do that ridiculous leap into Neil’s arms, and will be surprised if this routine isn’t up for an Emmy. Nigel changes his mind—Melanie is NOW his favorite dancer too! He name checks Ellen DeGeneres, who is in the crowd, wearing lumberjack casual. Cat gives the number information, and Melanie leaps into Neil’s arms again, and we all start dialing frantically.

Ricky is paired with ballroom queen Anya, which should bode well for a jive routine from Jason Gilkerson. There’s no story—it’s just two people having a giant celebration of dance. We all, however, have to attend a funeral of music as our ears must tolerate Celine Dion’s cover of “River Deep, Mountain High.” Ricky is dressed as a server from The Olive Garden and Anya as gold car wash curtains. They begin to dance, and then pull off the greatest statue impression I’ve ever seen! It lasts twenty minutes! THANKS SO MUCH DIRECTV! Evidently, my DVR wasn’t the only one to go on the fritz, and when the show picks back up, Jess is getting his feedback for his routine. So I venture online to try to find the missing pieces much like Guy Pierce in Memento (in retrospect, I shouldn’t have tattooed a bunch of SYTYCD facts all over my body)…and don’t find much! The Ricky and Anya routine is ok, with some nice lifts and some really awkward ones. I can’t find the judges responses, so I’m just going to make them up: GaGa is crazy about Anya and says she’d like to bronze her and put her on her mantle as a human trophy! Nigel pants hard and says something pervy! Mary screams and then critizes Ricky’s carriage. Rob is drinking a slurpee and says something about shiny stars.

So we move on to Jess and Lauren G., doing a Nappy Tabs hip hop routine to Rhianna’s “Take A Bow.” There’s a prop flower involved! It’s a nice, lyrical smooth routine, and Jess dances it surprisingly well (could it be the sweet sneakers he’s wearing? I say yes!). Again, I can’t find the judging online, so I’ve just decided that they all sort of liked it and do a lot of high-fiving. Moving on

The last standing B Boy, Tadd, partners with Lauren for a Mandy Moore piece set to Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust.” Tadd is channeling Moonwalker-era M.J., but doesn’t use his hat at all to defeat bad guys. In fact, he loses it halfway through the routine but carries on anyway, pantomiming his hat work. Nigel thinks the style suits Tadd great, and won’t be “biting the dust at all this week!” (Wocka wocka wocka!) GaGa loves the styling and is amazing that Tadd can change styles so well, and Rob thinks it’s the mark of a real pro that Tadd went on despite losing his chapeau and getting smacked in the face by Lauren (hey, she won last year, so she’s earned some pain-distribution!). Mary thinks he put the C in Cool tonight, and that when he swags, it’s not like anyone else on show. She predicts finale for him!

It’s the last of the all-star pairings, with Allison joining Marko for a Sonya Tayeh piece to “I Know It’s Over” by Jeff Buckley (who left us far too young. Man, that guy was amazing). Marko and Allison attack the strong movement that’s Sonya’s calling card, and the judges are swept away with it, giving the second standing ovation of the night! GaGa is sobbing uncontrollably (I guess she was just born that way), and she is so proud of Marko. His mom is in the audience, and Marko apologizes for being a punk kid and professes his love for her, adding fuel to the panel and audience-wide waterworks. Rob thinks Allison is amazing, and that the two have an incredible partnership. Mary is amazed by the routine, loving its honesty, and calls out Marko as her favorite dancer! Despite running low on time, Nigel can’t be quick with the comments, savoring this ratings-getting moment, tell us all to tell our mothers we love them. Mine just happens to be sitting next to me, visiting from Northern California, creating a truly surreal moment for me personally.

We transition to the contestant on contestant dance numbers, starting with Caitlynn and Tadd, and their Jonathan Roberts foxtrot. Oh, the foxtrot, also usually known as the bathroom break routine. It’s classic Fred & Ginger, set to “Top Hat, White Tie and Tails” by Ella Fitzgerald. Caitlynn looks exquisite in a flowing white ballroom gown, and Tadd classy in a tux with tails. Rob thinks it sparkled from beginning to end, with the style suiting Caitlynn and Tadd being surprisingly good at it. Mary thinks they did well, but that the routine wasn’t very memorable. Nigel was in heaven watching the two of them. GaGa loves it, and then makes some weird comment about Caitlynn seeming like she’s won a bunch of competitions and that GaGa takes her platinum records off the wall to inspire herself to do it all again.

Marko and Ricky team up for a Nappy Tabs hip hop routine where they play waste management engineers, er, garbagemen in a piece obviously inspired by the Emilio Estevez/Charlie Sheen reggae-tinged movie Men At Work. There’s a lot of broom work (and some dance air guitar!) and they attack it. Ricky, being so tall and skinny, isn’t as comfortable as Marko out there but still holds his own. Oh, and it’s set to P Diddy’s “Bad Boy For Life.” Mary loves it and shows her approval by sheirking and piercing our collective ear drums. They “had the vibe and kept it right and tight,” said Mary, doing her best Don King impression. She also says they really “cleaned up!” The sanitation puns come fast and furious, with Nigel unable to avoid the temptation as well. He does predict that Ricky might be in the bottom. GaGa liked them, but didn’t love the routine, mentioned her childhood love of Stomp and her disapproval of the props in the piece. Rob is astonished by their range, and continues to change hue like a musical chameleon.

Two to go! Jordan and Jess bring their J’s together for Jason Gilkerson rumba. It’s about a woman who is stuck in a controlling relationship (why are almost all these routines about dysfunctional couples?) and it’s to the great Adele track “Set Fire to the Rain.” Jess continues his run of shoes wearing, and Jordan looks like Spiderman went through an office shredder. Nigel is impressed with the lifts, but doesn’t feel they had chemistry. GaGa thought there was nothing wrong with it and that it had moments, but wasn’t great, and didn’t like Gilkerson’s interpretation of the song. Rob thinks they brought the best out in each other! Mary also thinks their chemistry was lacking, but thought one back lift was the best lift of the season.

Finally, Sasha and Melanie team up for a Sonya Tayeh futuristic robot warrior faux hawk dansterpiece, to “Game On” by District 78. Bathed in green light, they do a lot of precise weird movement (and an extended crab walk sequence) and bring the house down. The ovation goes on an on, and the judges flip out! (Honestly, I love them both, but I thought the routine was good, but not quite up to the accolades bestowed on them). Rob thinks its unbelievable and talks about the Emmys won on the show. Mary thinks its the best piece of the night and the best piece Sonya has ever choreographed! Nigel thinks its fantastic and thinks Beyonce must have modeled her Sasha Fierce character after her. He starts to make a reference to the Bond flick Diamonds are Forever, but is upstaged by GaGa throwing her platform shoe to them. He predicts that one of them could win it all! (Ya think?)

Cat gives out the numbers, and we’re done! Hooray!

*He was Chewbacca. So, you know, you get the reference.

Vanessa here! Well, I haven’t watched the show since the last time I recapped, which feels like ages ago.  And from the look on Cat Deeley’s face, it was ages ago.  We are all ready for this to be over. Cole seems to be “unavailable” to do these recaps more and more frequently, and quite frankly, I am suspicious.

That “results night” even exists is very frustrating.  This whole show could be handled in two minutes or a quick list online.  But they know it’s cheap to make and they know we will watch it.  AND WE DO.

We start the night with a group number in BROADWAY STYLE; mind-blowingly to the song “On Broadway.”  From what I can gather, “Broadway Style” dance entails sparkly bowler hats– or if you think outside of the box, a sparkly top hat.  This whole opening number is very show-choir-meets-Burlesque and judging from the glitter-explosion at the end, Ke$ha had some h@nd in this fuckery.

That’s over!  Now Cat introduces our “jid-gez!”  Cat’s exhaustion manifests in her voice— her poshness sloppily dipping into pre-‘Enry ‘Iggans territory.   Joining the classy Nigel and the Insufferable Mary Murphy (a distant relative of the Unsinkable Molly Brown) is the darling and dashing Neil Patrick Harris.  A man so loveable not even the approaching stink of “The Smurfs” can stain him.   Cat calls him Doogie in a moment that is, I think, weird for all of us.  Cat, he’s so sick of being called Doogie.  It’s like only ever calling Ron Howard Opie.  We must move forward.

Then we go through the uncomfortable motions of bringing out the contestants three at a time and toying with their emotions in front of a live studio audience.

First trio up: Melanie, Tad and Marko.

We watch clips of what they did last night and the judges’ reactions.  The judges rave about Melanie, it looks like she did well.  Oh, now they are talking about Tad!  Tad is still on!!  Shit.  Boyfriend is so hot. I want to make a dance movie with him.

I play an upper-middle class girl from the suburbs forced by an unfortunate situation (Mom dies in a car wreck?  Stock market crash leaves my family broke? Re-zoning issue?) to transfer to a rough and terrifyingly hip-hop infested inner-city school. I listen to classical music on my discman, as I walk through the scary halls.  Everyone makes fun of me and calls me Whitebread.  Everyone except Tad.  From our first meeting, Tad loves the smell of me and wants to grind on me like a maniac.  It’s Twilight meets Save The Last Dance meets Splash. (Note: I am a mermaid.)

PLEASE DON’T STEAL THIS IDEA OR SHOW IT TO A PRODUCER YET—IT IS STILL IN THE VERY EARLY DEVELOPMENT STAGES.

Then we move to the considerably less delicious (in my eyes) Marko.  Marko did the samba last week, and he did a great job- such a great job, that in the judge’s footage I’m pretty sure Mary Murphy required a commercial break panty-change.

They are ALL safe! Then Cat makes fun of Marko for “literally looking so worried.” He doesn’t figuratively look worried like all these other saps.  MARKO IS FOR REAL!

Second Trio! Sasha, Clarice, and Jess.

In the clip footage Sasha looked freaking hot bumpin’ it with Twitch.  I want to dance with Twitch!  I HAVE ANOTHER MOVIE IDEA. But it’s not ready for the blog yet  I think Beyonce got the whole Sasha Fierce idea from this Sasha.  Girl is FIERCE.  She rocks her mohawk harder than most women could rock Barbarella hair. Clarice did Bollywood style, and she looks like she owned the actual dancing, but in the brief clip they show she was kissed by her partner twice and she looked game for it zero times.  That ain’t good kissin’ math, ya’ll! It doesn’t look to me like Jess did a super good job last night, but the judges sure act like he did.

RESULTS:  Clarice: NOT SAFE!!! Hugs! Shock! (But not really.)

We take a brief look at the all-stars that will be dancing with the contestants next week.  And by brief I mean, superfreakingfast.  Like 10 seconds.  Then Cat announces that coming soon is a performance by Blush featuring Snoop Dogg! When Cat says “Snoop Dog” I can just tell she is saying it with one “g” and thinking no one will notice.  Girl, I noticed.  You so white.  She moves on by announcing a guest judge that will be coming soon – LADY GAGA!  That’s right, The Lady Gaga.  In the eloquent words of Ms. Deeley,  “Lady Gager is gowen to be sat ovah thay.”

Third Trio, Ricky, Caitlynn and Jordan:

Ricky’s footage looks good, though a bit domestic-violencey.  Aw, sweet Rikki!  He reminds me of My So Called Life’s ‘Rickie’ and not just or the obvious reasons (matching name/brown/gay/enthusiastic.)  OK, maybe for the obvious reasons.  But seriously, do you guys remember how great that show was?  I do.  I IMDB’d Rickie, and I am sad to report he has not had the success of Claire Danes.  No Temple Grandin glory for him!  YET.  Never give up, Rickie! Caitlynn did a tango last night.  Damn, she is physically delicious, not unlike every other person on this show.  Jordan did a contemporary (and very crotchy) dance. The judges sang her praises, BUT Jordan is not safe!  Cat towers above her, offering a bony hug.  She will be Jordan’s escort through the river Styx.

Then, all hell breaks loose.  I run to get a refill (2 parts non-alcohol) because it seemed like it was a commercial break.  BUT IT WASN’T.  I come back– less than a minute later—to see a blond Harry Potter dancing like just found he got into Gryffindor.  What is happening?  Is this one of the dancers in an elaborate costume? There is some very strange mime work going on… transitioning into body popping to a French monologue. Then, it’s over. The stranger is quickly thanked, and he disappears.  I suppose I will never know the truth about what I just saw.

I spend the commercial break processing the whole ordeal, and am actually happy when the show comes back on.  At last, I can forget my troubles and lose myself in the DANCE.  But no!

A special segment about the dancers being…tested?  At the Gatorade Science Institute?  Cat looks as confused disturbed as I feel. We then cut to footage of Dwight Howard in an egg. Then quick shots of random other athletes in weird positions with tubes protruding… as if their experiences legitimize the sinister G.S.I.  The contestants are then tested on “state of the art” ikea furniture equipment. First, the Bod Pod: an airtight egg that measures your body fat. A great gift idea for the special lady in your life!  Then, the rigorous “D2” machine. The name says it all.  Just kidding, I have no idea what D2 stands for. Apparently it measures hand-eye coordination.  The D2 has nothing to do with the Mighty Ducks franchise, and is basically a glorified “Whack-A-Mole” without the thrill of whacking moles.  Lastly, they are tested on the i-Span.  Which is “even more intense than the D2.”  The G.S.I spokesperson, despite her labcoat, seems more like a Redbull girl than a scientist, and is very vague in her descriptions and assessments.  “They’re really fit very lean.”  Melanie is delighted, this PROVES that dancers are athletes! Because we all thought these gorgeous humans writhing and jumping as if they are possessed by otherworldly beings come to earth to destroy gravity were big fat sloppy couch potatoes.  THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP GATORADE.  Stick to AYSO soccer games and get off my TV.

Finally, we watch the solo performances that Cat has been pimping the whole time.  Clarice is up first!  It’s so pretty- and, it’s over.  These are 30 seconds?  What the freak? These solos are too fast. Well, good job Clarice, considering.  Have Cole or Heather been making Silence of the Lambs jokes?   Because I am tempted to say something about fava beans here, or mention her good bag and cheap shoes.

Apparently, Mitchell didn’t have time to put his costume on, so he was forced to dance in his undies, waving a towel. That towel better have a pay off!  And, it didn’t.  Your time is up, and your towel has sorely disappointed me. If you put a gun on a stage someone needs to get shot, and if you wave a towel around and somebody better get un-wet.

Jordan’s routine is a little snoozy.  Come on!  You have 30 seconds!  Do all the tricks your trainers have taught you!  Spin! Kick! Do the Pamchenko! **Gasp** THE PAMCHENKO!?

It’s Ricky’s turn, and he gets it. Fast music, showy moves!  You have my vote, Ricky.

Then we have a “special performance” by Blush featuring Snoop Dogg.  I have no previous knowledge of Blush- but she seems to make standard-issue pop music.  She’s off key, I think.  I mean, either she is or her music is.   Wait, is SHE Blush, or are they all Blush? If they’re all Blush, then that one girl is really trying to upstage them.

Snoop Dogg (who has been lurking in the background, pervily watching the young girls dance) lumbers downstage and lazily raps.  I love me some Snoop, but seriously, sometimes he just phones it in on cameos and lets his braided ponytails do all the work.  As soon as he finishes he clumsily exits with no fanfare and a ‘Hell, it’s a paycheck,” swagger.

I’m just going to say it- whoever or whatever Blush is- she/they don’t have star power.   BOLD STATEMENT, RAGLAND!

Blush is giving away 15,000 free downloads of the crap we just listened to!  And I am giving away 15,000 free craps I made myself.  WHO WILL SELL OUT FIRST?

Time to get down to business.  Who do we send home tonight, America! ?

Nigel takes a moment to remind us that this isn’t the end for whoever is voted off, and to let the dancers know they are all truly talented.   His speech is earnest and lovely, and reminds me why this show is good.  It’s not cynical; it’s a celebration of ability.  With no drum roll, Nigel swiftly announces that Mitchell and Clarice are going home.  This show doesn’t mess with us, and I appreciate that.  We have seen enough tonight, please give us what we came for.

There is a brief montage of Clarice’s best moments- she is so pretty.  It is buttoned by her quote, “I would just like to be remembered for really capturing the audience,” (so far, so good; but then she tacks on) “around the world.” As if it’s an understood afterthought.  Oh is that all? JUST for capturing the world?  Mission not accomplished. Ragland Business Tip: If you set your bar lower you will achieve more goals!   We see Mitchell’s montage, and it is clear, this boy was born to dance in his underpants.  His farewell speech is wonderfully humble and sweet and I love Mitchell! But now, it is time to go.

And it is also time for a refill.

Cole here! On my command—release the All-Stars! It’s time for the top ten dancers to be matched up with some of the best and most dynamic dancers the show ever saw! After their brief individual dance intros, Cat Deely appears in a tight shiny black dress with gold details (with echoes of those Egyptian dancers from that Michael Jackson “Black or White” video) and sets the stage—in addition to their routines, each dancer will be doing a solo. It’s time to meet our—JUDGES! (Audience 1, Cat 0) and, lo and behold, it’s Neil Patrick Harris, looking dapper in a striped suit! It’s Mary Murphy, looking more and more like Chester Cheetah every time we see her. It’s executive producer Nigel Lythgoe, who evidently put on his yuk-yuk cummerbund tonight as he attempted to plant zingers throughout the show. Nigel announces the on sale date for the summer tour (July 29th, for those of you interested in trying to land some sweet seats), and Neil congratulates Nigel on the success of the show and its impact on dance. To the routines!

First up is our favorite bullet-ridden boy Marko! He’s paired with Season 4’s Chelsea Hightower (no relation to the character from the  Police Academy series) and they’re doing a Jason Gilkerson samba. It’s about a photographer and his muse, and features a strategically placed chez lounge and loud camera shutter sound effects, set to a Kate Hudson (yes, THAT Kate Hudson) song from what I am assuming is the musical movie Nine (I didn’t see it, did anyone?). Marko looks sharp in a suit and pairs well with Chelsea, and the judges are impressed! Neil is the first to comment, and thinks it’s an amazing way to start the show and that Marko is the guy to beat in the competition. Mary says she’s going to get a little crazy and starts flinging jewelry off of her Cheeto skin. She thinks Marko is the real deal, and looking at the white tan-line goggles around her eyes I believe her. Nigel applauds him for pulling off the routine seamlessly, especially after seeing how many times Chelsea accidently kicked him in the face in rehearsal. It’s a strong opening for one of the frontrunners.

The first solo routine of the evening belongs to Sasha, who tumbles to Duffy’s “Syrup and Honey.” No feedback from the judges on the solos tonight, but the camera catches Nigel giving her an enthusiastic thumbs up!

The next pairing is our resident tiny sex kitten Jordan, who is paired with Season 6’s Brandon, who is still allergic to shirts but not muscle definition. It’s a contemporary routine from Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhoden about love, to a live acoustic version of Jessie J’s “Who You Are.” It’s a pretty dynamic piece, and Jordan holds her own despite sharing the stage with one of the strongest dancers to ever come on the show. Mary praises Brandon and the choreographers, and thinks Jordan was fierce tonight. Nigel remarks that they are two of the best contemporary choreographers in the world, and that Jordan is more than able to do everything that was asked from her in a difficult routine. NPH thinks it’s breathtaking, and even though Brandon is magnificent, his eyes kept returning to Jordan. Jess is next up for a solo routine, to Harry Connick Jr.’s “Come By Me.” He’s wearing an argyle sweater and jazz shoes, and it’s a fairly casual piece, memorable only to me because of his choice of actual footwear.

It’s time for a Chuck Maldonado hip hop routine for the show’s only remaining B Boy, Tadd, and All-Star Comfort. It’s some combination of Gutter Sexy/Ghetto Fabulous, but Comfort doesn’t believe Tadd has much swag, until the camera dotes on his abs and commits to a comedic Cujo dog camera effect. The show does dancing great. Comedy, not so much. It’s set to Chris Brown’s “Look At Me Now,” heavily featuring the bits Busta Rhymes guests on, which makes sense as the routine is fast and furious. Nigel thinks is very very very very very very very fast, like listening to Mary Murphy talking! (Touche, you British Bulldog, you!) He thinks it was great fun, and that Tadd outdanced Comfort on it! Neil thinks it is amazing, and comments on an upcoming Spencer Liff hip hop routine on an episode of How I Met Your Mother. Nigel asks if Neil dances in the Smurfs movie, and Neil is quick to change the subject (for the record, he does some air guitar). Mary can’t believe Nigel is on her case tonight! She thinks Tadd knocked it out of the park, fired it out of a canon, and other mixed metaphors. Melanie’s solo is next, danced to a fun slow cover of Grease’s “You’re The One That I Want” by Angus & Julia Stone. It’s strong, as usual.

Mitchell and Season 1’s Melody (who? There was a show back then?) are paired for a Tyce Diorio Broadway routine! Remember how all the numbers up to this point were good? Well, get ready for that buttered popcorn Jelly Belly you weren’t ready for, ‘cuz this one is just terrible! It’s about FLYING! You know, the idea of flight, the mechanics, the take off, the landing, the tiny bathroom with blue water, the cashless cabin, the crying babies, the seats as floatation devices, the tiny bags of peanuts and pretzels, the in-flight presentation of Daredevil or something with Gerard Butler and/or Katherine Heigl…FLYING! It’s set to “Take Off With Us” from All That Jazz, and has Mitchell in a Captain’s shirt and tie, and Melody in…just a dance outfit. The routine is half-assed, danced well-enough, but really lackluster and unmemorable. Neil is first to comment, and tears Tyce a new one, much to my delight. He didn’t get the routine at all, and thinks it was disjointed and not well thought out. Mary thinks the number was fun, but overbaked, with too much mugging. Nigel agrees, thinking that Mitchell “over egged the pudding.” Here’s hoping there’s more quintessential English sayings upcoming from Mr. Lythgoe! “That was a bit of bangers and mash, pip pip, like a bird in a lorry on her way to University, Mitchell!,” or something. Solo time for Ricky, who showcases his leg extension to “Daylight Breaks” by Cassidy Haley. He scurries off the stage, and Cat has to plead for him to return so she can read off his call-in numbers.

That brings us to another solo, this time by Clarice, to “Royal T” by Crookers featuring Roisin Murphy. There’s lots of leg lifts, and an odd red sash thingy on her right hip. Sometimes I think these dancers either lost a bet or are being dressed by vindictive pre-schoolers. The next couple to dance are Caitlynn and Season 3 hunk Pasha, who get to do a stylish tango from choreographers Miriam Larici and Leonardo Barrionuevo. They are a disconnected couple who are brought back together by the dance, and it starts with Pasha playing a phonograph. It’s an elegant routine of a by-gone era, and Clarice excels and partners great with him. Mary gives it a standing ovation! It’s the first Argentine Tango of the season, and she thinks it was well worth the wait. Both Mary and Nigel are impressed at Clarice’s maturity in the piece, thinking she’s turned a corner with that routine. Neil thinks it started a bit slow, but was then mesmerized by it, and now would like to learn the Argentine Tango! Mitchell’s solo is next, to John Legend’s “This Time.” He’s only wearing white shorts, which bunch a bit and make it look like he’s dancing in a giant diaper. Still, he’s got some serious skills, if not unpredictable bowel behavior.

Sasha and Twitch, the uber-popular Season 4 contestant who also appeared in the flick Step Up 3D (which is actually quite a lot of fun), get together for a Christopher Scott hip hop routine about a relationship regaining its spark over the breakfast table. It’s got a serious 70s soul vibe (and is set to a great song—“Misty Blue” by Dorothy Moore) and these two SLAY it. It’s one of the best routines of the season and the best of the night by far. The audience goes nuts for it, and Nigel jokes that all he got for breakfast was Corn Flakes. Nigel thinks it was a super memorable routine, and that this is the first time Sasha has had real chemistry with her partner. Neil thinks it’s the best routine of the night and hopes they do it on the tour and the finale, and Mary thinks they need to call in the Sheriff, Fire Department and Paramedics, mostly because she likes to waste our tax dollars. Jordan’s solo is to Lykke Li’s “Tonight,” (great choice), and she tumbles a bunch in a black dance negligee.

Jess and Season 6’s Kathryn draw a Stacey Tookey contemporary routine chock full of lifts, Jess’ personal Professor Moriarty. Although the piece itself doesn’t have a lot going on, story-wise, it’s full of some powerful movements that match the emotion of the song (“The Lonely” by Christina Perri), and Jess performs the lifts admirably, despite returning to his barefeet and his Shoeless Jess Jackson nickname I just coined for him. Neil thinks he can be too muggy, but that he toned that down and danced this routine well. It’s also Mary’s favorite Jess routine to date. Nigel thinks the piece has more lifts than Joan Rivers face (ZING! SQUIRTING FLOWER! HAND BUZZER! WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA) and admires Jess in the piece. Next up, Tadd dances a solo littered with floor work and a stage hang set to Robin Thicke’s “Everything I Can’t Have.” It is refreshing to still have a dancer in the competition who can do some tricks.

Overall favorite Melanie pairs with Pasha for a Viennese Waltz, and I cross my fingers hoping it’s an interesting piece, as these can be the kiss of death of many competitors. Thankfully, Jason Gilkerson put together a lovely routine, and Melanie looks jaw-droppingly beautiful in a flowing white gown, gliding to a cover of R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” by Tina Arena. Mary thinks the transitions were perfect, and is in awe of Melanie’s ability to move in and out of lifts without looking like she ever touches the floor. Nigel thinks it is a masterclass in lift technique, and Neil says that she is easily his favorite dancer on the show. Another strong outing for Melanie, who looks to walk away with this competition if she keeps it up! Caitlynn’s solo is to “Cosmic Love” by Florence and the Machine, and she’s got another strange apparition around her waist, making me wonder if there is a side program being filmed called So You Think You Can Sash.

Ricky and the lovely Allison from Season 2 (one of my all-time faves on the show) get paired with Tyce Diorio, who looks to redeem himself with a jazz routine to “Precious Things” by Tori Amos. It’s a dark piece that’s supposed to be like a bad dream, and thankfully it’s well thought out and danced by the pair of them. Nigel congratulates Tyce on the routine, and says Ricky held his own with the tremendous Allison. Neil is impressed, too, and thinks it was a bold choice of Tyce to give this piece to Ricky, who usually dances pretty young. It’s apparent from the look on Tyce’s face that he’s still stewing over Neil’s early comments on his abominable Broadway flying routine. Mary normally calls Tyce Dr. Feelgood (…cuz, um, he’s the one that makes you feel all right?) and admires the twistedness of the routine, and singles out Ricky’s powerful single arm lift.

Two routines to go, one solo and one paired! The last solo belongs to Marko, who takes the stage to Gavin DeGraw’s “More Than Anyone.” It’s pretty strong. The last couple is Clarice and Season 7’s Robert, who close the show with a Bollywood routine from Nakul Dev Mahajan, set to “Aila Re Aila” from the Khatta Meetha soundtrack (which I’m assuming is a movie that will soon be remade in America with Jaden Smith or something). It’s super fast and precise like all of his previous Bollywood numbers, and the two of them put their all into it, wearing glittery sequined outfits that would make Liberace blush. Neil loved it, and is happy that he finally connected with Clarice (I guess you just need to be there sitting across from her!). Mary starts her review with “From Bollywood to Hollywood…” doing her best Gene Shalit impression. She found it to be exhilarating and a lot of fun. Nigel thinks it’s a great way to close the show and loves the style of it.

Cat rattles off the numbers and turns it over to you, America! So vote now and vote often!*

*voting is probably closed by the time I post this. Why? It takes a long time to write these and I’m a little hungover. Leave me alone!

Cole has a doctor’s note excusing him from this week’s Results Show recap (something about extreme sexual exhaustion), so this is Heather checking in and hitting the barre in his absence.

A freshly Emmy nominated Cat opens the show in a reincarnated toga. She’s gorgeous, even though she looks like a stunt double from Troy. Tonight’s group dance begins with Sexy Jordan doing a solo in an enormous cape/skirt thing. The way the guys spread open the parachute of a dress and billow its edges is a dead giveaway: choreographer Kelly Abbey has been stealing ideas from her local Gymboree.  The music is called “Fuego,” which combined with the imagery of giant red labia (no? is it just me?) is a clear acknowledgement to the plight of those battling venereal disease.

We see tonight’s… (cue audience) JUDGES! and the atmosphere is electric with all the Emmy news. Guest judge Jesse Tyler Perry Como Estas Ferguson gets a nod for his Modern Family role, and SYTYCD takes 5 of the 6 nominations for Outstanding Choreography. Nigel shows us his “small package”… of choreography highlights from the season. The 6th nomination, although it’s not mentioned, went to Mhickynnleigh’s moving “ah want mah sequined ah-lashes!” temper tantrum from Toddlers & Tiaras.

The first couples on stage are Clarice & No-Longer-Shoeless Jess, and Caitlynn & Mitchell. While they are playing clips from last night, it suddenly occurs to me: the juxtaposition of Caitlynn & Mitchell’s Invisible Children of Uganda dance with their domestic violence-friendly jazz piece is hilarious. Anyway, Nigel had his fingers and bicuspids crossed for Clarice and Baby Joey Tribbiani, and sure enough they are safe, sending the other battle-worn duo off to warm up.

Next week’s format change means the dancers will be paired with both fellow contestants and with the All Stars. In a truly upsetting announcement, Nigel breaks some news about Dancing Asian Extraordinaire Alex Wong. He was scheduled to perform, but in a horrific twist of fate and tendons, he was injured over the weekend. Alex, my darling leaping lord: no more anatomy-defying jetés! The rest of the selected cast members showcase a great variety of styles and represent each of the previous 7 seasons.

As for the current dancers, the next couples are a straight-haired Ryan & Ricky and America’s Smooching Sweethearts Melanie & Marko. In a reveal that’s more predictable than Jamie Lee Curtis’ bowel movements, Ryan & Ricky are the pair that end up in the toilet. Lastly, it’s down to Jordan & Tadd, who had one wild and one mild routine, and the ferocious Sasha & Alexander. Between their gender bending Paso Doble and prop-tastic Tyce DiOrio jazz, they were owning and killing and breaking shit left and right. Hang on to your top hats, though, because they are in the bottom 3! They are the only ones who don’t seem surprised, and Sasha even admits to being excited about doing her solo. Meanwhile, Tadd is hanging off Jordan’s shoulders as she walks off stage when he suddenly comes down with Alex Wong Syndrome; both legs magically give out and Jordan is left to drag him away. Sheesh! Men! Always making us cook and clean and haul their limp bodies around; am I right ladies? (I’d like to give a shout out to Roy Handler and thank him for letting me borrow his catchphrase).

The next performance is by Jason Samuels Smith and his asking-to-be-proven-wrong “Anyone Can Get It” dance company. Despite the name, they deliver an extremely complex and entertaining show. If Sammy Davis Jr, the cast of Stomp, and Jay Z got together and had a baby, that baby would want to grow up and see these dancers perform. The rhythmic and crisp beats on the raised wooden platform outshine their admittedly generic rap, but their creativity is refreshing. The whole thing is done without music, which is even more impressive. They constantly look like they’re about to lose their footing altogether, but **spoiler alert!!** nobody dies. One of the dancers is last year’s tap prodigy Melinda Sullivan, who looks great.

After the break, Nigel is seen wearing an… artistic? t-shirt with a “dance 4 your life” graphic. He explains how it’s part of National Dance Day (July 30th, boys and girls!) which is being sponsored by the Dizzy Feet Foundation and, I swear I’m not making this up, the Larry King Cardiac Foundation. Apparently, the Giorgio Armani Melanoma Alliance and the Keith Richards Hepatic Coalition were unavailable.

The night’s first solo goes to Caitlynn, who spends 27 of her 30 seconds with her legs in some sort of aerial split. Mitchell comes out (onto the stage…) in a blue lycra bodysuit and powers through a warrior-type display of leaps and turns. Ryan gives us a unique 80’s style dance with modern hip hop isolations, but it’s noticeably lacking in the big tricks everyone else seems to rely on. Ricky’s solo (set to a Queen song… is there something he’s trying to say?) has his usual ballet/martial arts/contemporary style, and he throws in a cool one-handed back walkover. Something about his open shirt and skinny jeans emphasizes his surprisingly delicate build; has anyone ever seen him and Kate Moss in the same room together? Sasha’s first time as a soloist isn’t nearly as strong as we’ve seen from her before, but her funky, syncopated wiggling to Bobby McFerrin gets the job done. Finally, Alex does a “matador fighting a giant DeBeers diamond” routine. He really amps up the difficulty level, but it doesn’t end up being a smart move when he fumbles and falls out of several moves. Ryan and Sasha are actually the only dancers who don’t pirouette and /or fuettée in place for 20 minutes, which I hope the judges will appreciate. This isn’t So You Think You Can Spin a Hole into the Stage.

As Cat sends the judges off to deliberate, Jesse James Tyler Durden feigns an escape attempt. Cat reminds him that we’ve “shut the door, shut the garage door…” and he immediately calls her Kristin Chenoweth. This brings me great joy for some deep-rooted, unexplained reason. Speaking of unexplained (you can call me Woz ‘cause I’m a master of the segue), a ridiculously complicated system of risers, stairs, lights, fog machines, and the entrance to Mordor appears for “musical” “guest” Nicole Schrodinger of the Paradox Cat Dolls. I could only handle being told to “dance with your body” for so long (what the fuck else am I supposed to dance with? the deer carcass that’s been rotting on the side of the road for 3 days?) before I had to mute J Lo Lite.

As soon as Nicole Schlitterbahn’s time is up and the judges are back in their seats, it’s time for results.  With the girls, they are unanimous. Caitlynn’s solo was good but her “body of work” needs improvement. Ryan is lackluster and appears depressed, to which she quickly responds by breaking into a big smile and mouthing “I’m not!” in spite of her accumulating tears. Sasha is a fabulous dancer even though she didn’t “knock out” the judges with her solo. No surprises here, but Ryan is chosen to go home. She accepts the decision gracefully and wants to be remembered for her heart and soul, which is weird because she never even sat down at a piano. For the boys, we’re told it’s a 3 to 1 vote. Mitchell tends to “peak and trough” but had a good solo. Ricky’s dance for his life was one of Nigel’s all time favorites, and he doesn’t get a word of criticism. Alexander “found himself” last night, but had a technically poor solo, and he’s going home. It’s the first splitting of a couple this season, but it won’t really matter since everyone will be getting new partners weekly from here on out. It’ll be just like that other show about swapping couples… what’s it called? Oh yeah. Sister Wives.

Next week promises to bring thrills, spills, and hoards of screaming girls when Pasha and Robert appear on stage. It will be interesting to see how our dancers do with new partners. Will Melanie & Marko’s magical magnetism melt? Will Caitlynn be on the giving or receiving end of a fist? Will Tadd leave his shirt off for the love of humanity? It’s anybody’s guess! We’ll just have to stay tuned.

–Follow Heather on Twitter! @heatherrecently

Ok, ok, Cole here. I know I missed the results show recap last week, and I’ll endeavor to do it tonight, but for the business at hand—it’s the last performance show for the top six couples! After this week, they’ll be split up and paired with SYTYCD All-Stars. Cat Deely, in a silvery dress with what appears to be ostrich feathers looks lovely as always (I exclaimed, out loud, to no one, “Oooh! A sparkly!” a la Jeremy the crow in Secret of Nimh when she appeared) intros all of the dancers, and then it’s time to meet our judges (Cat goes back to letting the audience fill in her catch phrase again, thus officially starting the “Will she say or won’t she say it?” Cat Deely drinking game). It’s special guest Jesse Tyler Ferguson from one of the best comedies on television Modern Family! He’s a big fan of the show and seems super tickled to be there. Next is intense choreographer Sonya Tayeh, wearing her usual Mad Max casual. Mary Murphy and Nigel Lythgoe are there as always, and are about to lock lips when Cat stops them. I only wish Cat had stopped several of the contestants and choreographers, who once again are obsessed with osculation!

We’re told that there will be * gulp * TWELVE routines this week, a delightful surprise for viewers and a nightmarish scenario for a recapper. First up are Sasha and Alexander, who get a Tony Meredith and Melanie Lapatin Paso Doble routine. It’s not your everyday Paso Doble, says Melanie, but more of a battle dance (kinda like in the movie Strictly Ballroom, am I right?), set to that classic tune, “Alley Dash/March of the Trolls.” Which version? The Taylor Long/Rick Powell original, of course! They’re both wearing silver-bedazzled black outfits, and dance it pretty well, ending with an aggressive, perhaps impromptu, kiss from Sasha. Nigel thinks some of it was a little sloppy but otherwise thinks it is great. Mary asks the audience for an OLE ‘cuz they’ve earned it (maybe if there’s a Latin routine in a library next week, she can elicit a BIBLIOTECA from the crowd) and rattles off a list of words that sounds like she’s describing Pace Picante sauce instead of choreography. She says Sasha could be a bull, a matador, a Spanish dancer, or a cape, but leaves off other questionable career choices like paint, a jockey, or a fire hydrant. Jesse thinks it was highly dramatical and loved it, and Sonya thinks it was amazing, and admires Sasha’s strength, but doesn’t always trust Alexander’s partnering. Alexander is quick to point out that the routine is dedicated to Tony and Melanie’s friend who is battling cancer.

Jordan and Tadd get to work with Travis Wall, which is always a sign that you’ll do well. It’s a contemporary routine that’s a metaphor for women who take advantage of weak men, with Tadd as a lost traveler and Jordan as a sexy vulture, set to “Brotsjor” by Olafur Arnalds (say that five times fast). As usual, it’s an extraordinary piece of choreography and they nail it, ending with that ol’ dance favorite, simulated neck breaking! White Swan, Tadd and Black Swan face the judges and its high marks all around! Mary thinks it was beautiful and dark, Jesse pokes fun at Randy Jackson (the guys are in it to win it!), Sonya loves the true artistry and wishes she could swear, and Nigel thinks it was remarkable, particularly Tadd’s flip jump. Seems that Jordan and Tadd are a lock for the top ten…until later…

Ryan and Ricky get to get their jazz hands on with a Spencer Liff Broadway routine! Ricky is a dude waiting outside a movie theater and the movie poster comes to life! No,  it’s not a Transformer or the Zookeeper he gets to cut a rug with, but Ryan in her best Audrey Hepburn garb. Set to Frank Sinatra’s “All I Need Is the Girl”, it starts promisingly enough, but there just isn’t much to it, and the judges jump all over it. Jesse is a big fan, but thinks the routine had a glass ceiling on it and didn’t allow them to reach their true potential. Sonya feels they were questioning it and just let it simmer, and they two of them receive their first boos of the season, and hate it. Nigel and Mary agree, remarking that it’s all about the style and that they didn’t quite capture it.

Caitlynn and Mitchell are up next for the most muddled and misguided routine of the night, a Christopher Scott hip-hop routine that is suppose to shed a light on the children in Uganda and Congo being used to fight wars. How better to bring attention to this serious plight than sloppy execution and blunt tanktops with “Invisible Children” scrawled across them! It’s disaster from the get go, even with a strong Lupe Fiasco tune to dance to. The audience gives a sluggish standing ovation, because they feel like they are supposed to given the subject matter. Sonya loves Chris Scott, but didn’t feel the kinetic energy the piece was supposed to have. Nigel thinks the piece needed harder work, and didn’t understand what it had to do with abductees in the Congo. Mary thinks it was still pretty strong and demanded attention, and Jesse agree with all but thinks they both have a mack truck-load of intensity.

Melanie and Marko are up next, and promise to cleanse our soured palates with a tango from Louie Van Amstel Light (seriously, that’s a promotional angle you need to take advantage of, Louie!) He says there is no storyline, but given that last “important” dance, I feel like I need to give it and all the routines that follow one, so let’s say it’s about the injustice of Terriers not being renewed for a second season. It’s a sexy lil’ number set to “Triptico” by Gotan Project, and Melanie is breathtaking in a backless red doily dress. It ends with a killer lift, which the judges are in awe of. Nigel remarks that they haven’t really been challenged until now, but thought they took some Limitless pills and crushed it! List-making Mary tells us about all the different kinds of tangos, then says that they pulled it off despite a few awkward shapes. Jesse is a gigantic fan and thinks they have a great spark—he also makes a joke about Mary being a lost Osmond, which is pretty dead on. Sonya pays a high compliment by saying she loses her breath every time she sees them dance.

Jess and Clarice are the last of the top six couples to take the stage, and they get a lyrical hip hop routine from Chris Scott, about women’s insecurities, and not the Triangle Factory Fire of 1911. It’s got a lot of precise and fast tutting, which has Jess worried. It’s that famous Bruno Mars track “Just the Way You Are,” but covered by a band called “Boyce Avenue,”  and starts with a prop dressing table. WHAT’S THIS? JESS IS WEARING SHOES! QUICK! EVERYONE MAKE SURE THE TIME SPACE CONTINUM IS UNCHANGED! DO YOU ALL STILL HAVE YOUR LIMBS? WHO IS PRESIDENT? Ok, I think nothing was affected, and the routine is sweet and fun, despite the creepy dripping portrait revealed at the end. Jess soaks up the applause and makes some Broadway gang signs. Mary thinks it was cute and amazing, and drops the term “swag,” which people need to stop throwing around like Rip Taylor confetti. Jesse didn’t care for it—HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY—and loves it! He asks if Clarice has a boyfriend (she does, he does too) but suggests they get married ‘cuz she makes him so happy. Sonya thinks they slayed it, and Nigel loves the simple story and bounce on the choruses.

Round two! Fight!

Sasha and Alexander return for a—oh f&%# me—Tyce DiOrio routine. Tyce and his “facial hair” inform us that it’s a dance ABOUT LIFE, you guys! And about, um, err, the discontinuation of New Coke in 1986. “That’s Life”, Aretha Franklin version, starts, and despite a good amount of prop lamppost humping, it’s actually well choreographed and danced, and Tyce receives a pass from me for the rest of the night (you’ve won this round, DiOrio!) There’s some sort of weird screw up at the end and Sasha just remarks “That’s life!” and all is forgiven. It’s Jesse’s favorite number of the night! Sonya wants to swear again, and then sort of cusses by saying that Tyce is a diverse choreographer. I mean, he does Broadway, and jazz, and jazz-Broadway, and Jazzway, and Brazz! Nigel decides to keep it real, and points out that Sasha has been carrying Alexander all season, but that tonight is his breakthrough, which everyone agrees with. Mary loves the freedom he danced with, and is thrilled.

It’s time for another Broadway routine from Spencer Liff, with Jordan and Tadd—it’s a story about a princess who has been sleeping for a century, awaiting a Prince to wake her up with a…well, you know the drill. It’s also about The Air Up There not being available on DVD.  “Out Tonight” from the Rent Broadway Cast plays while Tadd, wearing a steampunk meets West Hollywood Prince outfit, and Jordan, in multi-colored tutu, do their best to get through this hodge-podge, unmemorable routine. The judges ain’t havin’ it! Sonya is underwhelmed, Nigel thinks it could have been quirkier, Mary thinks it was like cotton candy, and Jesse thinks they’ll be ok since their first number was so strong.

Ryan and Ricky return for Louie Von Amstel’s Cha Cha. It’s a dance of fire, and Louie promises they won’t be in the bottom three again (they will). It’s also a dance of earth, water, and wind, and is sponsored by M. Night Symalan’s Avatar II: Attack of Little Baldy (not true). Ricky hints that it will be Hot Tamale Train-able, and he’s sort of right. Sort of it. It’s to Enrique Inglesias’ “Tonight (I’m Lovin’ You)” and the whole thing comes off a bit frazzled, but good in spots. High marks for Ricky from everyone, but they all agree that Ryan was a bit sloppy. Mary puts Ricky on the Hot Tamale Train, but leaves Ryan off, so she’ll have to travel much more sensibly on Amtrak. They are in trouble going into the results show tonight.

Take two from Travis Wall, a contemporary piece with Caitlynn and Mitchell, about a rock star who finds out her lover is married (and the rising prices of bacon this summer). That. Will. Not. Stand! So she gets back at him by dancin’ in lingerie to Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart.”  They nail it, and Mary loves the intensity and naughtiness of it. Jesse makes a Smokey the Bear joke which falls flat, but I liked it, and he likes the routine. Sonya thinks it was really, really hot, and thinks its disturbing how smokin’ Caitlynn is, especially considering her age. Nigel agrees, and doesn’t want to say anything else for fear of incriminating himself as a dirty old man (which is has already done time and time again, with a pervosity needle at 11).

Melanie and Marko are back, this time with a contemporary routine from Dee Caspary about a couple slipping in and out of the light. See, he’s in a dark place, and he isn’t sure he should go towards the light, and Melanie is trying to make him, and poor little Carol Ann is still stuck in the television set unsure of where to run. The song is “Skin &Bones” by David J. Roch, and it starts what is now to be known as “The Moth Routine.” There’s a single hanging lightbulb onstage and two bright follow spots, and although the piece is well danced and well choreographed, I couldn’t help but wonder how much cooler it could have been if that lightbulb was the only illumination. Jesse’s mind has been blown! Sonya is grateful that this is the future of dance and thanks them. Nigel is excited about breaking up the couples on next week’s show, but sad that their partnership has to come to an end, as they are magic dancing together. Mary thinks it is flawless!

One to go! It’s Jess and Clarice, doing a jive from Tony and Melanie, about the healing powers of cilantro, er, Rock n’ Roll! It promises to be fast, fast, fast, and sort of is, is, is. Robert Randolph’s “Ain’t Nothing Wrong With That” scores the routine, with Jess wearing shoes yet again! Is this the start of the Jess footwear revolution? The dancers lose steam a bit towards the end but pull it off, and the judges are losing steam as well (not to mention time), so Sonya rattles off “Adorable perfect amazing!” Nigel thinks it was very good, with great kicks, but thinks the lifts looked a little uncomfortable. Mary thought the spirit of the jive was lacking a bit, as was the animation on Jess’ face. Jesse doesn’t own the keys to broadway, Neil Patrick Harris does, but wishes he could give them to Jess. Jesse also points out that Emmy nominations are coming tomorrow and singles out Cat Deely as deserving (and, as it turns out, she scored her first nomination this morning!)

Cat is a bit choked up by the sentiment, and throws to the numbers and routine recaps for the night. With a few moments left, Nigel urges everyone to vote, and reminds us that the couples will be no more and that the So You Think You Can Dance All-Stars will be announced soon. Somehow, I think it will end up being a bunch of New York Yankees.

Ok! Cole’s back in dance recap action—I apologize for my absence the last couple weeks (I was traveling for business, seriously!) Many thanks to Vanessa and Heather for filling in and I’m sure we’ll be seeing more from them as I flake out in the future.

It’s time for our Top 14 couples to take the stage for their intro mini-dances—it’s apparent just from the audience response Melanie and Marko get that they are clearly the front runners. Cat appears in an absolutely fetching light blue kimono-like mini dress and I make audible ga-ga noises. She introduces our judges (and now she says it all the time—this is CLEARLY my influence) and it’s fun to see former-contestant-turned-choreographer-turned-velvet-painting Travis Wall on the panel! He’s joined by Carmen Electra, who is wearing some sort of sheer Kiss of the Spider Woman VHS cover top. Apparently, she started dancing when she was five, and did ballet and modern dance at a performing arts school in Cincinnati, which would explain how she was able to nail all of that “running on the beach” choreography she did on television. Also on the panel are Mary Murphy, who looks more and more like a third place medal every show, and Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe, dapper and pervy as always.

After the break, all seven of the guys take the stage for a Justin Giles routine detailing the seven stages of grief—the choreographer informs us that the stages they’ll be dancing are shock, anger, denial, depression, guilt, bargaining and acceptance. Bummed we didn’t get to see sleepy, dopey, sneezy or Doc. The piece is set to Damien Rice’s “Prague,” with each of the dancers in individual spotlights. Jess continues his tradition of no-shoes dancing (he would NEVER get service in a fast-food joint), Marko looks like he’s ready to compete against Van Damme in Bloodsport, Chris appears to be hopelessly lost inside the recesses of his hoodie (I guess that was…bargaining?). It’s sort of interesting, and has a kind of cool Matrix bullet-time effect towards the end. It’s a decent way to start the show, but nothing too exceptional.

Cat is surrounded by a sea of shitty producer-generated audience signs (Crazy 4 Clarice! Go Alexander!). She introduces the first couple of the night, golden children Melanie and Marko. We learn that Marko is originally from Guam, and worked on a cruise ship in a Drag Queen show! He stresses (repeatedly) that he WASN’T the drag queen, but had to dress as a girl (which makes him a drag, um, duchess or something?). Melanie, who impressed Lil C so much he commented that “Zeus himself would let you dance at Olympus” (and then probably bandied about words like “phantasmagorical,” “malevolent,” and “forsooth”), is from Atlanta, but went to Fordham University for Art. She talks about her boyfriend Mitchell, who has to deal with all her Marko-smooching (much, much, much is made of this and kissing in general throughout the show. Get a room, program!). They’re doing a jazz routine by Ray Leeper, which follows a latino couple who fall in love despite being from feuding families, set to “Americano” by Lady Gaga. Can we please go ONE SHOW without a routine set to the Gahgs? Marko is wearing red pants, no shirt and black straps, resembling some sort of S&M Pinocchio, while Melanie looks sort of like Raggedy Ann gone Saloon Girl. Not surprisingly, they kill the routine! Travis thinks it’s a great way to start the show, and admits that Melanie is his favorite dancer this season. Carmen thinks it’s so, so strong, and is enamored with Melanie’s legs (aren’t we all?). Mary says WOW and proclaims that Marko is The Domination Man! Cat is quick to clarify that she didn’t mean The Demolition Man, since for a moment there we confused Marko with a highlighted-hair Wesley Snipes or maybe Sandra “Lenina Huxley” Bullock. Nigel thinks they have great chemistry as a couple, and calls out Marko for his drag show days. Cat counters with a “didn’t inhale” joke, which is actually quite clever in the moment.

Next up are Sasha and Alexander! Sasha is from Bakersfield and a large Trinidadian family, where they’re always partyin’! Oh, and they sing everyone’s favorite Alan Arkin penned tropical diddy, “The Banana Boat Song!” Alexander is from Alhambra, and started dancing late. His dad was an actor in the 70s and appeared on shows like Barney Miller, TJ Hooker and Hill Street Blues, making him the coolest dad on the show, period. They’re charged with a Shaun Evaristo hip-hop routine. It’s about a first date. See, Alexander wants a…wait for it…KISS at the end of the night, and Sasha just ain’t havin’ it! Also, Alexander just doesn’t have swag, so Shaun explains the rules of Swag Camp (sadly, not talking about Swag Camp isn’t one of them). It’s done to a light R&B tune called “To the Moon” by Miguel, and features a static, lonely tree in the middle of the stage, which they kinda use for a beat or two during the lackluster routine. It ends with a super-fake kiss at the end, which makes Melanie & Marko’s lip-locking seems like hardcore pornography. Carmen thinks “DANG GIRL! You were poppin’ so hard!” (Not pills, like me, trying to make it through the rest of the show) She doesn’t see much chemistry between them, though, which is echoed by the rest of the judges. Mary thinks it was lacking, Nigel thinks it felt like Hip Hop 101, and Travis thought it was ok, but think they need to work on their musicality and shading.

Jordan and Tadd. Jordan is from Chino Hills, CA (wait, isn’t that where that no-good-kid from the show The O.C. was from? Or was that just Chino? Is anybody listening?) Jordan was a normal kid who played every sport imaginable and never dreamed of being the resident sexy dancer on a FOX reality competition. Tadd is from Salt Lake City, but spent some time in San Francisco, and is proud to represent Filipino’s on the show. They’ve drawn a smooth waltz from Toni Redpath, who’s not on the warpath for once and seems relatively calm. Jordan is a siren (“oh, like a Mermaid!” she remarks, furthering her Rhodes Scholar status) and Tadd is trying to resist her song and her deadly…yep…KISS. (Does this show come with Chapstick?) It’s to “Nocturn” by Secret Garden (or is it from the musical Secret Garden? My notes fail me) and the stage is absolutely engulfed by fog, like I’m at a Def Leppard Hysteria concert. Instead of pouring some sugar on me, they lightly drizzy a boring waltz for a few minutes near me, despite a few nice lifts. Mary proceeds to give us a history lesson on waltzes (they were quite scandalous in the 1800s, and people made sarcastic remarks about th—ZZZZZZZ) She thinks it was dreamy and romantic and likes it. Nigel is impressed by both of them, especially Tadd who is outside his comfort zone. He then talks about fish lifts and progressive twinkles, and the proceedings take on a distinct Narnian flair for a moment or two. Carmen enjoyed it, but admits that she doesn’t know much about waltz, but DOES know how she feels, proving that not all Hollywood starlets are dead inside.

Clarice and Razz-ma-Jess and his perpetual jazz hands are next up. Clarice hails from Whittier, California and goes to Cal State Long Beach. Her folks sacrified a lot for her dance and blah blah blah support blah blah love blah blah feelings. Jess is from Little Falls, New Jersey, and –SHOCKER—he’s been a performer all his life! They show some B-Roll of Jess as a five year old sequined guido, and he raves about all four years of his high school experience. It’s time for a Justin Giles contemporary routine, about a couple who have gone through a super intense love that is coming to an end. I hope there’s a kiss involved someplace! Nope, just a bunch of precise, hard-hitting movements to “Light Through the Branches” by Celeste Lear. Jess again repels all footwear. The couple dances it very well, and the judges are happy. Travis was, like, you guys just came alive! Nigel loved it, and believes their chemistry. Carmen believed in their story, and felt their anger and passion, Mary thinks they are improving every week as a couple and has high hopes for them.

Only a few more to go! Ashley and Chris are on deck. Ashley is from Antioch and is a Deacon’s daughter. She also loves to cook and treats us to a moment of her would-be charisma-less food show (mmmm! Blandtastic!) Dallas-bred Chris is from a gigantic seven kid family, and had a hard time getting through school due to dyslexia, a word I always reverse the y and the s in. It’s a Liz Lira Salsa routine, and although the lifts are spicy, her on-cameraness is not. “Mambo Beat” by Tito Puente begins, and the dancers do their best to get through it, to sadly bad reviews from the judges. There’s even a moment in there where I thought I saw a glimpse of an arm movement from the African Anteater Dance from Can’t Buy Me Love. Travis loves them, but thought there was a bit of a disconnect and not enough Latin flavor. Carmen thinks (and this is a direct quote) “Ya know, Salsa is, it’s hot, it’s on fire, it’s passionate, it’s sharp, it has so much.” (Lil C she is not). Mary thinks it had moments of heat, but wasn’t nearly as hot as their week two routine that put them on her Hot Tamale Train (has that thing derailed yet? I’d rather deal with the Polar Express and it’s creepy motion-capture animation than her shrieking spice locomotive). Nigel was impressed but some of the lifts, but didn’t think they got into the Salsa freedom (one of Elton John’s lesser songs). Nigel is also uncomfortable talking about Chris’ hips, but as we learned from Shakira, they don’t lie.

Two more(ish)! Ryan is from Morgan Hill, CA, and spent some time in Sacramento (K-Street mall, represent!) with Mia Michaels. They also shot an episode of House together, playing creepy nurses. Rickey was born in Miami, but moved to Tampa and then OF COURSE got into cheerleading (made ultra-dramatic by an irritating nonsensical echo during his voice over) becoming co-captain shortly after joining the squad. They get to work with the choreographer with the best onomatopoeic name, Chucky KLAPOW! It’s a jazz routine about the cult of fashion and—CHUCKY KLAPOW! – set to David Bowie’s “Fashion.” Rickey looks like he’s on his way to a Rocky Horror screening and Ryan is a dead-ringer for 1985 Dee Snyder. It’s a fun, quirky routine, that the judges are thoroughly impressed with. Carmen thinks they rocked and loves the music choice, Mary thinks it was a hot experiment of movement, Nigel makes an obvious joke about Chucky the Killer Doll and loves the quirk of it, reminding him of the Ramalama routine from a previous season, and Travis thinks they’ll move past the top ten for sure!

The final couple of the evening are Caitlynn and Mitchell. Caitlynn is from Moses Lake, Washington and does all things outdoors and sporty. Mitchell grew up in Atlanta, and lost his dad when he was two. He lived for a year with his mom in a car until she finally landed a job and then things turned around. They’re doing a Mandy Moore contemporary routine to a song by she-who-shall-not-be-named (ok…fine…it rhymes with Deline Cion) and, despite the audio torture, it’s an incredible piece with lots of emotion and crazy difficult lifts. It warrants a standing ovation from the judges! Mitchell is completely lost in emotion, holding back the tears. Mary is choked up as well, and congratulates them and tells them this is their moment. “Run like the wind! This is your time!” It’s a very Mikey-in-the-Goonies-speech moment. Travis thinks it was breathtaking, Nigel thinks it was the routine of the night, and Carmen thinks—honestly, do we really care what Carmen thinks anymore?

All that leaves is the final number of the evening, danced by all seven of the ladies. It’s by Ray Leeper, about girlfriends on a mission to rid the world of evil men. Honestly, it’s just a great excuse to see ‘em vamp it up in lacey black outfits and show off their nature-defying gams. So much so, that the panel gives ‘em another standing ovation, with Nigel literally leaping for joy (whilst trying to conceal his proper English boner).

Cat! Give us the numbers! Vote, people, vote! Oh, and congrats to Katherine McCormack, who scored a role in Step Up 4, which better have another dancing slurpee scene, damnit. That’s it for now! Thanks for reading! And let me know your thoughts in the comments! Oh…and…CHUCKY KLAPOW!

(This week’s Results Show recap is brought to you again by Heather (@HeatherRecently) due to Cole “scheduling conflicts.” Has anyone ever seen him and Justin Timberlake in the same place at the same time? Didn’t think so.)

When it comes to televised talent shows, I like to play it fast and loose. Office pools for NCAA playoffs and Oscar Awards alike are tainted with bullshit statistics and insider opinions. That’s why I prefer to let Lady Luck have her way with me unprotected, in the raw, the way God intended. Yes, I’ll be making predictions before watching this week’s elimination show without any prior knowledge of the outcome.  This is the kind of chaos you can expect when Cole outsources his blog, so prepare yourselves, America.

Bottom 3: Clarice & Jess, Mitchell & Caitlyn, Ashley & Chris. The judges will slobber all over Jess’s growth (as a technical dancer, not his hidden questionably phallic tumor, although that would be quite the sight) and Clarice’s legs, keeping them safe. Mitchell will deliver with his solo but will get the “if you continue on this show, you’ll need to step it up” speech, sending Mini Leguizamo back to doing windmills on the street. In a battle to the death of who can flash her coslopus the most times in 30 seconds, Caitlyn will ultimately stay and Ashley will cry and lisp her way home. Number of times the judges say the choice was difficult: 2. Number of times Cat will awkwardly shoo contestants offstage: 3. Number of times someone will go in for a hug only to be ignored by their intended recipient: 1. OK, I think I’m ready. Let’s do this.

Kat looks very summery in her floral print dress and colorful necklace throat vajazzle. Here come the dancers in monochrome chasséing to… The Incredibles? That was certainly, um, a couple minutes. Dancers were out of sync, the staging didn’t really work, and it was just a tepid mess.  Who the hell is Michael Rooney? Hulk Hogan and Mr. Clean’s lovechild?

The horny judges are introduced along with Kristin “my back door is shut” Chenoweth and her lip synced music video. Note- I ADORE Kristin and would give my third nipple to meet her in person, but her video looks entirely overproduced and off kilter. She deserves better than what appears to be Rebecca Black’s B-team.

But this is about dance, right? Wrong! It’s about the spit swapping, according to Melanie & Marko’s intro. Of course, they are safe to smooch another day. Ashley & Chris are revealed to be in the bottom 3 (I’m 1 for 1!), and Ryan & Ricky (and their safe word) are staying another week.

Time for a break, and – what the CGI’d fuck?? Neil Patrick Harris, a veritable genius of TV, film, Broadway, and my heart, is in the new Smurfs movie? I am so conflicted with this turmoil of emotion and loyalties. This is what it must feel like to be a German Jew. Not cool, Sony Pictures. Not cool.

Back to the show, although I’m still in a daze over that tragic news. Next 3 are Jordan (who has to pee! This girl is SO REAL!) & Tadd, Miranda & Robert, and Sasha & Alexander. Last week, I admitted my lust for dancing Asians.  This week, Tadd’s mattress dance spun my bean into a frenzy. Those abs! That back! That duvet! Apparently I’m not the only one with yellow fever because they are safe, and… what’s that? Yes! Ryan goes in to give Tadd a hug as he comes offstage, but he completely bypasses her for Marko’s open arms! You can just call me Dancetradamus. Actually please don’t, because that’s a lot of pressure.

As we watch highlights from Sasha & Alexander’s piano dance, the definition for “mellifluous” appears during Lil C’s feedback (along with the requisite sound of a spinning record being stopped… although only the 30-and-over crowd would recognize it as such). It means “sweet,” or something. Why can’t he just say sweet? Damn you, Lil C, and your stereotype-defying intelligence! After a quick, grammatically simple recap of Miranda & Robert’s well received Broadway number, we find out that—they are in the bottom 3? Look what happens when you don’t dance with a prop! Let that be a lesson to you all. My bracket is totally thrown, but there’s still a good chance my final prediction will be right. Cat ushers them away with a gentle shove (1 out of 3) so Robert can warm up and Miranda can go get dressed, since she obviously only had enough time to put on a bra and panties before the show.

Finally, it’s down to Clarice & Jess and Caitlyn & Mitchell. The girls’ costumes appear to be cut from the same cutesy Western saloon cloth, while a dark, sleek Mitchell towers over suspender aficionado Jess. What’s with the smarmy smile? He’s a weird mix of kid brother and creepy clown, and his charm is fading quickly. Anyway, I picked them both to be in the bottom 3, but with a wave of her magic wand, Glinda Kristin’s endorsement of Clarice & Jess as her favorite dance of the night keeps them safe. Cat plays traffic cop again (2 of 3) as Axis, an “in-ova-tive” dance ensemble featuring performers with and without disabilities, takes the stage.

Since when are two people (a shaggy haired, wheelchair bound Jimmy Smits and a ginger able-bodied woman) an “ensemble”? Their pas de deux is powerful. It’s inspiring. It’s… Glee, without the singing, sex and slushees.

Time for the solos! Ashley does a sweet but low-key contemporary dance that might be the final nail in her performance coffin.  Mini Legz pulls out an impressive, passionate array of tricks including a mind boggling contortionist leg twisty thing and a pair of back handsprings into a back tuck. Then it’s Miranda in her underwear, whose solo is much better than Ashley’s as she airs out her pikachu all over the stage. She does some goofy jumping around at the very end- did she forget her choreography, or just realize that she’s clearly outdanced Ashley and therefore staying on the show? Robert hams it up with his usual assortment of MJ-esque moves, popping and locking, and a headstand. (His music is by Jamie Foxx- a little on the nose there, don’t you think, Robert?)

Another commercial break, which triggers horrific memories of the NPH incident, and then Caitlyn is up. She is clearly emotionally strained and you can feel her pleading to be kept, but she loses her center out of both sets of multiple pirouettes and the desperation translates to a lack of confidence not suffered by the other two girls. The final solo is by Mitchell, and he just kills it. Is there anything more beautiful than a tall, sinewy black man dressed in flowing white linen soaring through the air? Probably so, but until *you* are writing a guest blog, keep your comments to yourself. He has more control over himself than Carnie Wilson at the Sizzler buffet. Then, Nigel stuns us all when he says Kristin doesn’t want to send anyone home as the judges go off to deliberate.

The Best Ballroom Dancers In The Universe are introduced, and although I swear Cat said 3 names, there’s only 2 of them. They are dancing to a song from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Last of the Mohicans (shout out to Doug Benson!) in an effort to be hip and relatable to the youth of today, or something. That’s right kids! Ballroom will get you all the pussies! The choreography looks like it was taken from an ice skating routine- the lifts are stunning. At one point, the man is spinning in place with both arms outstretched as the woman balances her uterus on his head. You have to see it to believe it. He also gives her a pap smear, and I begin to suspect he’s secretly an amateur OB/GYN.  Who knew ballroom could be so educational?

The big moment is here. Which girl is going home? Nigel tells us they love all 3 girls, they are not unanimous, and the decision was very difficult (YES! 1 down, 1 to go!).  Miranda is the most improved and most changed, so tonight they are—sending her home?? What is even going on? Did you SEE Ashley dance compared to her? Everyone is audibly sharting themselves in surprise. Cat gives her a consoling hug, Miranda says some final words, and she sent away to go sit on the Stool of Failure (patent pending). Even though it wasn’t technically off the stage, I’m counting it- 3 for 3 on the awkwardness, Cat!

As for the boys, the judges are in agreement. Mitchell dances wonderfully “for his life” but isn’t connecting to the public, Mini Legz is doing a good job but needs better growth, and Robert’s great personality isn’t enough to keep him on the show… which is why he gets sent home. So much for Dancetradamus- I didn’t even predict Miranda or Robert to be in the bottom 3. As Cat tells him that his enthusiasm is “infectious,” we get a close up of some bleeding sores on his face. Did I miss something? Is it National AIDS Awareness week? The audience indulges him in a group “Woooo!” complete with vibrato, and the rest of the dancers rush the stage to hug their latest casualties.

That means I correctly guessed 2 out of the 3 bottom couples, but did not see Miranda & Robert’s departure coming at all. Mitchell *was* told to step it up, sorta, and the girls certainly gave everyone plenty of crotch. The judges once alluded to a difficult choice and again said it outright, so I’m giving myself 1.5 out of 2 on that one. Cat lived up to my 3 stage clearing moments, and Ryan got shut down from hugging Tadd. I’ll see you next week, Lady Luck, when Cole returns to fill our pop culture holes with goodness. Until then, keep spreading those legs!

First of all, let’s be clear.  Vanessa is writing this.  Cole is somewhere setting a jet or something.    Because I am a woman I will issue a DISCLAIMER: I am not a regular viewer of the program and I AM drinking.  I am also hanging out with my friend Mandy (hey girl!) and she is also drinking.   (So you can picture it- we are on the couch with one of my dogs.  Mandy is a small beautiful Australian.  I am none of these three but I am feeling rambunctious tonight.)

OVERALL NOTE: Take anything bitchy I say with a grain of salt.  Bottom line:  these are all amazing performers and I love how positive the program is.  As a whole, the show frustrates me, because I’m pretty sure my body didn’t come with some standard issue joints.  How do they DO that?

IT BEGINS: The show kicks off with what I am CERTAIN is Anne Hathaway in a Marilyn Monroe costume.  I didn’t know she was on this show!  And why can’t she afford a better wig?   Oh, it’s NOT Anne Hathaway!  It is a completely different person who can’t afford a better wig.  And her name is Cat Deely and apparently she is the Ryan Seacrest of the show.  (I tell this comparison to Mandy, and she says, “She’s not like Ryan Seacrest at all! Isn’t he wee? Isn’t she a monster?  He would be like a little parrot on her shoulder!”)

Boom! Flash! Dancers run out, do a fun Westside Story-esque strut and shimmy- then STRIKE A POSE. I love it when people strike poses!

Now, we go to the judges!:

WHO THEY ARE:

Nigel Lythgoe. He is the resident intelligent British judge and he’s also a talent-TV gazilionaire. Lil’ C— I don’t know you.  Are you a rapper?  I only ask because of the “Lil” part of your name. He is apparently a “busy buckster.” Do I need to Google this or will he clarify? Oh, He’s a dancer and is going to be a rapper soon. Some producer is going to be MAD at Cat for saying,  “Oh Lil C, ABSOLUTELY you should perform at the finale!”  There’s a lot of red tape that you wouldn’t even understand, Cat! Maybe she’ll grow on me? Mary Murphy, don’t know you either.  You look like an Osmond gone wrong, but that could be a good thing.  Ooh, guest judge Kristin Chenoweth! You have my interest piqued, ma’am.  Oh no, Cat says Kristin is making a country album?  Say it ain’t so.  Nope, it’s so. Is that necessary?

We start with 8 people doing a chair dance to “Hit the Road Jack” wearing jazz choir costumes. I am getting pop flash-backs to Britney circa “Stronger” and Backstreet Boys’ “As Long As You Love Me”

Sidenote— that came out in 1997??? I HAVE DONE NOTHING WITH MY LIFE! I snap out of my depression and the dancers, still in the prime of their youth, undulate, grab, thrust their chairs up and down filled with young blood and fueled by the promise of the future.  Me?  I am so old.  So very old.  We are made aware that before each partner-dance we are going to be seeing childhood pictures of the dancers for (ugh) “a trip down memory lane.” As a first time viewer, this is not an exciting prospect.

SASHA & ALEXANDER:

MEMORY LANE: Childhood photo SHOCKER: Sasha was a tomboy!    She is afraid of frogs, including “the name Frog.”  What kind of circles does Sasha run in that she is meeting people named Frog.  Apparently little dapper-fancy-Alexander has always been little dapper-fancy-Alexander. This is a man who is impeccably groomed, and I appreciate that.

THE CHOREOGRAPHER: Dee Caspry. He looks like a rugby player-turned choreographer which I don’t often say. They are doing some sort of piano-themed dance.  Dee says the keys represent the keys of his heart.  Shit is getting deep.

THE DANCE: Suspenders for our dapper gentleman (I approve! Suspenders and tight pants are good for pretty butts! Do you guys remember Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s butt in “Inception”?  Now THAT was a butt.  I tried to Google image it but came up dry. Further proof the Internet is made for he-pervs not she-pervs.  The injustice of it all!)  and Sasha looks ravishing in a nude sparkly thing.  Narrative wise…  I think Sasha is casting a spell on him?  He is maybe Pinocchio and she is the fairy in Pinocchio? Then, CREEPY WHAT THE HELL?! Sasha disappears as if eaten by the piano, then all of the sudden her hands jut out over the keys like dismembered ghost hands and Alexander just plays on in some sort of half-dead Lady Gaga duet.   I am going to have a nightmare.  Great.

JUDGES SAY: Nigel said something about Alexander’s “baby package” and I think we were all confused….. it certainly seemed penis-y in intention, but apparently it was a reference to the slide-show.  While the judges talk, Alexander smiles, his teeth coated with a thin pink film of blood that no one talks about.  Oh, Mary Murphy.  Who ARE you and who put your voice in a blender and then let you use it?  Kristin loved the routine and revealed she has been peed on but not in a sexy way Lil’ C,  you use Vocabulary Words and want us to make note of it.  Oh, something was “mellifluous!”  Well, Lil’ C,  if you’re so “intelligent” (smart) why don’t your “spectacles” (glasses) have “lenses” (glass) in them? Like a curling ribbon that’s been run across scissors too many times (that’s a comparison for all our dedicated crafting readers) Cat Deely’s wig is slowly losing its bounce, sloppily and sadly drooping towards her shoulders.

MITCHELL AND CAITLYNN:

MEMORY LANE: Caitlynn was a ALSO a tomboy!!! But she was never allowed to dress like one, and her kid pictures are a bit “Toddlers and Tiaras.” ( PS: T&T is on at 10 and I need to watch that.  When is this over?)  Mitchell started dancing late, but a video clip shows us he has always looooved to roll his body.

CHOREOGRAPHER: Did this guy just sell his fine-cheese boutique? I didn’t catch his name. Sorry.

THE DANCE: OK.I am not feeling the deep-v on Robert or the cruise wear on Caitlynn.  I didn’t like this dance, then they started booty popping.  Gosh, I’m an easy sell.  I am trash! I need to stop imagining these people naked but I can’t.

THE JUDGES: Cat pronounces the routine (over-pronounces) “boo-tee-licious.”  Seriously guys… is Mary Murphy ok?  Should she be doing this?  I think she just had a stroke, followed by like 5 after shocks.  Kristin says “Shut the front door!” in a way that lets us know she is definitely trying to make that her catchphrase. Lil’ C wants ventilation.  Buckus again! What is this “buckus”? Everyone loved everything.  Nigel proclaims Mitchell the “Chris Rock of SYTYCD.”  And I couldn’t agree more!  They’re both black guys! Wait, I mean, what?  What the hell does that mean Nigel? I feel like Cat has said “Oh I don’t need the flash cards I’ll just do some ad-libbing there. I looooove to ad-lib,” so many times that everyone was like, fine.  Go ahead Cat.  We have Mary to worry about.

MIRANDA AND ROBERT:

MEMORY LANE: Miranda has always looked like Miranda. Why isn’t Robert the Chris Rock of the show?  He wants to be funny at least.

CHOREOGRAPHER: Tyce sort of looks like a choreographer but more so he looks like he should be on “Million Dollar Decorator.”

THE DANCE: Miranda plays a hooker.  A lot of walking around and pushing. Robert is in love with music though, so stop trying! This dance looks easy.  Am I drunk?  I really think I can do this dance, ya’ll!  I want to try!  It seems very doable to me right now.  Miranda looks like Amy Adams playing Eleanor Roosevelt in a TV movie.

THE JUDGES: Lil’ C says Miranda is “metamorphosizing” before his eyes, and then he had the nerve to use the stale compliment that Robert “has the kind of personality that is only achieved if the planets are perfectly aligned when you are born.”  If I had a dollar for every time I heard that from a loquacious rapper!  Shit. 6 more routines!?

MELANIE AND MARKO: Melanie is a crazy Carrie Mulligan who pulled a Felicity on what seems like it was long beautiful curly hair.  Marko insinuates dance was a cure for his ADHD.

CHOREOGRAPHERS: The Dumo’s are a choreographing team who look like they’d rather be at an Ed Hardy sample sale.

THE DANCE: The idea seems to be Avril Lavigne has seduced a waiter at a Bucco de Beppo. I love this dance.  I want to do lyrical hip hop!  Mandy does too!  Can you imagine just popping and  ****REAL KISS!! REAL KISS!  REAL KISS!  **** It wasn’t even awkward- it seemed super real…. Audience shot: The Dumos kissed each other too!  I can almost hear him mutter in her ear, “Baby, that was us dancing up there, that was us.”

THE JUDGES: Lil C thinks it was buck.  So “buck” IS a thing. Buck means good. C gives a shout out to “Nappy Taps.”  Or is he “Nappy Taps?? Oh noooo… Mary Murphy just had her world rocked.  Nigel just KISSED HER and she is freaking out!  Why would anyone do that?  Is this bullying?  She lets out a screech that the Owls of Ga’hoole would be envious of. Kristin makes it real deep with her comments.   Then she kisses Lil C’, her tongue jutting right through his faux glasses.

Shit. this goes to 9.30?!  I CANNOT MISS TODDLERS AND TIARAS AND THAT COMES ON AT 10. Mandy just admitted to me she has a crush on Daniel Radcliffe.  I think things have changed between us forever.  After a particularly rude glance from me, she tries, meekly, “He’s rich as well!”  Still, no thanks, Mandy.  No thanks.

ASHLEY AND CHRIS:

MEMORY LANE: The good news is that Ashley grew into her mouth. Chris is one of 6 kids!  Somewhere an executive at TLC just woke up with a wonderful, awful idea. 6 Kids and Dancing!

CHOREOGRAPHER: Sonya! Now HERE is a choreographer.  As Chris recoils when she enters the room she asks, “Why is everyone scared of me?”  Because you look like a sorceress in Southwestern jam-pants, Sonya.

THE DANCE: Scary. Thriller meets Adam and Eve. They move well, but baby, mamma needs more big fat bass. (Long ‘a’, not like Big Mouth Billy Bass)  It is nice to watch but also, not.  And the song is boring.

JUDGES SAY: Nigel no like.  Mary (please don’t scream please don’t scream please don’t scream) is ok with it… another meh.  Kristin, compares herself to Paula Abdul because she is so positive, but you are way too coherent for me to entertain that comparison.  Lil’ C is a fan of the sorceress’s work.  She has cast her spell well.

CLARICE AND JESS:

MEMORY LANE:  Clarice was a cute very normal kid with a video of her at three saying: “howwa boud my dassing?” Aw, Jess loved his dad.  I am over these flashbacks.

THE DANCE:   Sorry this is not impressing me.  (how jaded I’ve become after an hour and twenty minutes of this show. ) But compared to the other routines SNOOZE FEST.

THE JUDGES: Mary Murphy loves it.  (Mandy wants to know what sort of dancer Mary Murphy is.  I don’t know.  We decide we don’t want to Wikipedia this.)  Kristin says it was her favorite performance of the night.  It’s becoming abundantly clear I don’t know what dance is.  Lil C?   Please be on my side?   Nope.  Lil’ C says  they  “put a face on the smile of Jean Marc’s heart.”  Think about that for a second and realize it means nothing.  Nigel loved it too.  It’s a jizz fest up in here. I feel very, very alone right now.  Thank god Mandy is here, who knows what I’d do?   Mandy thinks that Lil C and Kanye would be friends and tweet back and forth in all caps.  FINALLY I agree with someone.  Mandy and I make a strange pact to always beckon to each other with the words, “Come on, soldier.”  It has something to do with ice cream?  Things are getting stranger.

RICKY AND RYAN:

MEMORY LANE: Ricky was BORN TO MOVE.  I can tell this guy is good and I’m already steeling myself for Mary’s screams.  Ryan, blah blah blah.

CHOREOGRAPHER: The sorceress, Sonya, has returned and spews her dark magic onto these nubile creatures.  General show note: These girl-dancers are DETERMINED to show us their bras.  Very well then.

THE DANCE: This is an emotional piece and very pretty.  There is a long black scarf attached to Ryan and Ricky is tugging it and I just KNOW it means something (because I am very artistic and very in-tune with Art and deep meanings.)

JUDGES SAY: Kristin loves it.  Lil’ C just said something Very Important and then pronounced the whole ordeal BUCKNESS.   In the audience, Sonya gets very emotional… The sorceress sheds a tear and somewhere a baby horse bursts into flame. Nigel loves it.  Mary loves it and also controls her voice the whole time.  I am so relieved.  This show is 2 hours?  Shit.

JORDAN AND TADD:

MEMORY LANE: Jordan did a “piece” to “Spice Up your Life” in first grade.  I love that she calls it a piece. That’s like me calling what I did to a piano at that age a movement. Tadd was nerdy  but he’s gorgeous now so who cares.  They are going to be doing a bed dance. And Jordan is not used to doing bed dances, so this is SERIOUS. 

THE DANCE: It’s like a hip-hop morning after pill commercial?  Tadd should probably never wear a shirt. Shit, he put his shirt on. Oh good he took it off!  I like this dance. Mandy’s note: “That must be a really bouncy bed.”

THE JUDGES: Lil C gives another shout out to Nappy Taps.  Is he saying “Nappy Taps”?  Because that’s what I’m hearing.  He likes it, but I don’t think it’s his favorite because he doesn’t throw out a verbose and made-up platitude. Nigel loves it.  Kristin wants people to join her in saying “Shut the front door.”  But no one really caught on to that catchphrase so it doesn’t go over well.  A good rule of thumb is that you need to say something 3 or more times before it is a catchphrase. Jordan and Tadd  throw up their voting number (8) like a gang sign (perhaps a cool new gang called the Crazy 8s) and it’s disturbing.

WOO! FINAL ROUTINE!  Mandy and I erupt in applause.  Can two people erupt?  Because we did.  This is a very long show and it’s t-7 minutes till T & T.

GROUP ROUTINE: The idea is that the women are killing the men.  I think this choreographer (rugby dude) has some REAL lady issues.  It’s like Renfair Porn.  I want a crowd shot of the Sorceress.  Methinks the good lady would be pleased. It’s a very pretty dance, and I am strangely emotional during it.  Poisoning a loved one is so sexy that I just might consider it.

THE EFFING END. I NEED SPRAY TANS, FLIPPERS AND TARLYNN!

Since Cole is too busy being chauffeured around Vegas in a gold limousine to trouble himself with watching this week’s results show, this recap is being guest written by TV/pop culture/dancing Asians fan Heather (@HeatherRecently on Twitter). Cole will be back next week, assuming he didn’t lose a tooth (or find a baby) during his absence.

Cat introduces the show looking gorgeous in one-shoulder red dress and cherry red lipstick. She uses a cocktail analogy that somehow implies a hangover. I can only assume this is directed at Debbie Reynolds, who took Wadi with her to the assisted living community last night and played strip bingo into the wee hours of the morning (citation needed).

The opening number is a Dave Scott piece featuring the top 20 dancers as androgynous businessmen dancing to that one song, you know, the one with the piano riff from all the commercials (Sinnerman by Nina Simone). It’s very Matrix meets Minority Report meets Beach Party, given the interesting decision to put the dancers in matching Bermuda shorts. Cat comes out and introduces your… JUDGES, actually delivering her catchphrase for the second time in a row. Debbie, whose cream and gold patterned outfit was provided by Grandmas-R-Us, says that she enjoyed the “new experience of being off the stage.” Clearly, this is further proof of her late night rendezvous with Wadi. The filler performances special guests will be Rage Crew and LMFAO singing with Quest Crew. This announcement puts my ovaries in an uproar since Hok (of Season 1-3 and ABDC champion fame) and Ryan (Season 1 finalist and co-ABDC winner) are the greatest thing to happen to the b-boy world since the beanie. Who can forget Ryan’s signature back flip into a headstand, or Hok’s stunning Season 3 Wade Robison hummingbird performance with Jaimie Goodwin? Mary Murphy without her meds, that’s who.

Back to the show. The first 3 couples are Sasha & Alexander (Team Sweaty Narcissism!), Caitlin & Mitchell (Team Blue Zebra!), and Missy & Wadi (Team Chuckle Nair!). Caitlin still sports a cut on her face from when Mitchell “accidentally” punched her during their routine. I think everyone knows what really happened there. It’s called love, people. We pretty much knew Missy & Wadi were in trouble with their so-so cha-cha, and sure enough, they are in the bottom 3. Cat reveals the other 2 couples to be safe, and hugs, tears, and screams are had by all.
The next segment is a big fat commercial for Gatorade and their sponsorship of the show. We get to see the dancers sit through a live infomercial for a line of nutritional products and throw away their contraband Pringles. Next up, it’s Miranda & Robert (Team – oh forget it) whose Nappy Tabs performance to Break Yo Neck was one of my favorites this season so far. Take two insanely gifted choreographers, two very capable dancers, toss in some Busta Rhymes and some feathers and you’ve got a routine more explosive than the asshole of a newborn with diarrhea. Has a Nappy Tabs or Travis Wall performance ever landed its dancers in the bottom 3? According to my memory and trusty confirmation bias: nope. Crowd favorites and early standouts Melanie and Marko, who aren’t rolled in flour for yet enough week, did the well received Sing Sing Sing routine. To no one’s surprise, both couples are safe.

Then it’s between Jordan & Tadd’s impressive Viennese Waltz and Ivetta & Nick’s “well, they tried hard!” Bollywood number. Luckily, Jordan & Tadd are revealed to be safe. If she had danced her solo, she would’ve given herself two big black eyes, and the audience 200 big black boners. Cat unceremoniously tells “Ivetter” & Nick that they are in the bottom 3. They nod along with a sense of defeat and walk the green mile across the stage.

Finally, it’s between Ashley & Chris, Clarice & Jess, and Ryan & Ricky for the last spot in the bottom 3. After a review of Athley (is her lisp cute? sexy? distracting?) and Chris’s sexy jailhouse performance, they are told they are safe. It was a solid routine, but there is something very offputting about seeing a young, innocent girl lust after a pockmarked, incarcerated John Lequizamo lookalike. Anyway, that means one of the final couples is safe and the other will be forced to dance for their lives (but not really of course, even though this is a FOX show).

Ryan & Ricky had the crotch-revealing Addicted to Love dance with costumes that suggested more of an addiction to meth, while Clarice & Jess did the awkward Stacey Tookey number. The judges worked themselves into a lather over the “raunchy” jazz piece and only gave subdued commentary to the lackluster contemporary. Naturally, Ryan & Ricky are— in the bottom 3? What? Jess’s Groucho Marx eyebrows spoke for us all when they jumped 3 feet into the air.

Moments later, the stage is taken over by a swarm of inappropriately dressed children known as Rage Crew. Clad in leather pants, halter tops, and wallet chains, they do what can only be called a combination of cheer, hip hop, and Toddlers & Tiaras pageantry. The kids are very talented and do the high energy choreography with attitude, but the showcasing of Mini Scary Spice as she shakes her allowance-maker was enough to make anyone feel more than a little pervy.

Wadi does a fun but not fantastic solo, although seeing him defy physics by rolling up from the ground onto his toes is a treat. Missy reminds us where her hot pocket is throughout her stage time, and Nick, well, taps. Cat compares him to “JT” but without specifying which one- John Travolta or James Taylor. Both analogies have merit, since he certainly doesn’t dance like someone that’s banged Brit-Brit. Ivetta stomps and wiggles around the stage covered in disco ball pubes. She has the most impressive of the solos so far.

After the break, Ricky delivers a powerful performance full of leaps, extensions, pirouettes, and even some incredible body rolls. He looks like a dancing piece of licorice. In a good way. For the final solo, Ryan whips her trademark blonde curls back and forth in a passionate dance, but one that doesn’t quite hit the mark. The judges go off to deliberate (although Debbie was probably wandering around backstage looking for the shirtless Wadi)… and we finally get to see Quest Crew!! Oh, and LMFAO, which is exactly what I did when I first heard their lyrics. The Quest boys look like they were dressed by Will Smith, circa 1990. Hok may have even stolen Mitchell’s zebra snuggie. Even though they look like time traveling asylum escapees, Tim Gunn would be proud of the way they “make it work.” Personally, I can’t help but to grin like a Cheshire cougar every second they are on stage. They are absolutely phenomenal in their choreography, skill, tricks, and presence. Boys, if any of you are reading this and need help getting a green card, I’ve got a marriage certificate with your Japanese name on it. The camera constantly snaps to close ups of the “singers” and misses huge portions of their dance, though, which is borderline criminal. The band tries to dance along with Quest, which is as embarrassing as when Oprah would lip sync along with superstar musicians. Exactly the opposite of schadenfreude. Google it.

Now there’s nothing left but to make the 4 cuts. Nigel tells Missy she’s a faultless dancer, and that Ivetta’s Paso Doble with Pasha was unforgettable. A teary-eyed Ryan is told her routine didn’t show her full potential, but she is the one that gets to stay. Cat asks Missy “best bit for you?” which comes out sounding more like “besbit feryu?” After asking to have the question repeated (there is a language barrier here, folks!), Missy’s answer is a simple “you guys,” pointing to the other contestants. In her confusion, she then gives an Oscar acceptance speech. After the girls clear the stage, Mohel Nigel prepares to cut the boys. Wadi didn’t do enough in his solo, Nick is charismatic with a twinkle in his eye, and Ricky has never danced better. Needless to say, he is the one that is kept (which Ryan is relieved to hear) and after the requisite crying and hugs, Cat tells him to “get off.” Oh, those sassy Brits! Nick gets choked up telling everyone that he loves them like family, and the credits roll.

By my math, that leaves 8 couples to perform next week. The group doesn’t have any real stellar dancers (with the arguable exception of Melanie and Marko), but they are all very competent and strong. Depending on the way the styles are chosen, I’m going to predict Clarice and Chris are going home. Anyone care to make it interesting? (you know, with an animated chart or something, because I’m a Jew and Jews don’t gamble).

That wraps it up! Thanks to Cole and Vanessa for letting me do this week’s results show recap. And by that, I mean thanks for going to Vegas and thanks for having better shit to do this weekend, respectively. We all look forward to the return of Cole’s insight next week… on SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!

The Top 20 took the stage for the first time since…last week…and we’re quickly reminded via fuzzy flashback (though it’s nice to see Nigel lit like Norma Desmond) that two couples will be going home on tomorrow night’s results show. After the opening credits, Cat Deeley appears, wearing a doily-covered bright yellow dress—with her height, it reads very Big Bird-ish, and I don’t mean that as an insult. The couples come out for their introductory five second dance flashes, and then it’s time to meet your—JUDGES! Wait—she said it! CAT SAID JUDGES! Did she read my recap last week? I feel somehow responsible. You’re welcome, America. There’s Nigel! And…orange you glad Mary Murphy is here? Then comes the first genuine surprise of the night—joining the panel is film and dance legend Debbie Reynolds! They show a quick clip from Singin’ In The Rain, and Debbie says “It’s fantastic to be alive!”  She really is a treasure, and her sound bites only got better as the night went on.

Let the dancing begin! Cat informs us that the couples will be dishing embarrassing dirt on each other in order to help fill the two hour run time. First up is Ricky and Ryan. Ryan’s leg hairs grow really fast, so I guess that makes her dancing’s Robin Williams. Ricky’s real name is Roderick! What an asshole! Not really. They’re given a Mandy Moore jazz routine, described by the choreographer as “sexy, powerful and tension filled.” I wish it was “crazy, sexy, cool” and set to a TLC song. Instead it’s danced to “Addicted to Love” by Robert Palmer, and there’s no models in tight black dresses anywhere! Ryan is dressed like a wild west saloon girl, and Ricky appears to be an extra in a Mad Max film. They dance it extremely well, and the judges gush about it. Nigel thinks it’s sensational, and says he can feel the sexual tension between them, much like himself and Mary Murphy, causing this recap and millions of viewers at home to audible shudder. Mary, master of wordplay, says she’s addicted to the two of them! Debbie says she’s never seen anyone dance sexier! Which means she hasn’t seen Selma Hayek in From Dusk Til Dawn.

Caitlynn has nasty, blue-toned feet. Thanks for that, High Definition Television! Mitchell wears a zebra print snuggie often, or as I like to call it, a backwards bathrobe. It’s a Stacey Tookey contemporary routine about a relationship gone wrong, set to Adele’s “Turning Tables.” There’s two leather easy chairs onstage, and because of their placement, it heavily features Caitlynn in the foreground for a lot of the piece. It’s pretty powerful, though, and the show is shaping up to be fantastic. Caitlynn is in tears, not because of the emotions, but because Mitchell accidentally punched her, making this the most violent dance show since the Solid Gold Massacre of ’81. Mary thinks it’s amazing! Flawless! Gravity-defying! Debbie thinks it was beautiful and dramatic (“You bled for us!”) and Nigel thought it was remarkable, considering it was the first time they’ve actually danced together after his injury last week.

Wadi uses ladies hair removal cream on his chest hairs (I think we’ve all been there, right fellas?) and Missy has a staccato laugh (Can you imagine? How does she live with herself?!) They’ve snagged a cha-cha routine from the French Bruno Kirby, Jean Marc Genereux, which he claims is the most difficult routine he’s ever choreographed for the show. Making it more difficult? Having to listen to Ke$ha’s “Cannibal.” I’m $orry, I ju$t don’t like her $hitty mu$ic. There’s a lot of energy to the routine, but it’s clear that Wadi is a bit out of his element here. Debbie thinks it’s muy bueno, and offers to take Wadi home with her. Nigel thinks Wadi’s technique was lacking but that his partnering skills were great, and Missy was spicy and hot. More rave reviews for Missy from Mary, but she compares it to television rival Dancing With the Stars, with Wadi as the student. These two could be in trouble come results time tomorrow.

Ivetta talks to herself in the mirror, but thankfully never says Candyman three times. Nick—ALWAYS WEARS SHORTS! It’s this kind of revealing expose that they usually save for sweeps! It’s the return of Bollywood with Nakul Dev Mahajan, with a lightning fast routine to “Baawre” from the Luck By Chance soundtrack. They dance it super well, even though Nick looks like Aladdin and Ivetta resembles a maypole thanks to their outfits. Nigel thinks its entertaining, Mary loves their chemisty, and Debbie’s just excited to be here!

Robert, aka “The Wooooo Man,” aka “Obnoxious City,” thinks he’s a pro-wrestler. Miranda has a crush on Tadd! And our first budding romance is in the works! Look! It’s Nappy Tabs! Always a treat to see Napoleon and Tabitha, who’ve whipped up a hip hop routine about…woodpeckers. It’s to “Break Ya Neck” by Busta Rhymes, and the two perform with a lot of energy and precision. Mary loves it, Nigel remarks that Miranda is the best contemporary dancer he’s seen do hip hop, and Debbie does a spot-on Woody Woodpecker impression, and gives me my first “Wait…I didn’t smoke peyote before watching this tonight, did I?” moment of the night. Oh, and Robert does not “Woooo” this time, and Nigel comments on his restraint.

Clarice sleeps with her eyes open, which is super creepy, but maybe not as odd as Jess’ passion for drawing stick figure orchestras. It’s another Stacey Tookey contemporary routine, this time set to “Cathedrals” by Jump Little Children. It’s a love story between a prince and a princess, and has a lot of hard lifts in it. It’s kinda off-putting that Jess isn’t wearing any shoes in his uniform—it’s sort of Prince William meets Jack Johnson. The piece touches Debbie’s heart, and again offers to take them home with her, to add to her little dancer glass menagerie. Nigel enjoyed parts of it, but thought the promenades were a bit uncomfortable and is worried they’ll be in the bottom three. Mary thinks Jess portrayed the emotions of the routine well, and calls Clarice “Ms. Legs,” ‘cuz they go on for days and days!

In addition to being the “sexy” one on the show, Jordan may also not be the brightest bulb, as she confesses that she thought the show had it’s own airline and flew everyone on one big plane to Vegas. She also wonders if she can tend to them rabbits, George. Tadd is super OCD—he color-coordinates his clothes when he packs them, in Ziploc baggies! Oh no, it’s the dredded Viennese Waltz from Jean Marc Genereux, set to “Fade Into Me” by American Idol winner David Cook. It’s all about the spacing, and they do surprisingly well with it. Oh, and there’s a stray bench onstage. Nigel is super impressed! He thinks the piece flows amazingly well, and is particularly thrilled with Bboy Tadd’s performance. Mary agrees, noting that Tadd is the biggest surprise for her this season. They both think Jordan is incredibly strong as well. Debbie pays her biggest compliment of the night, asking if they’ve heard of Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire and Cid Charisse, and saying they are just as beautiful as them!

You better not touch Melanie’s ears, CUZ SHE HATES THAT. Marko is super into romance novels, ‘cuz he’s a big softie. It’s a Mandy Moore jazz routine to “Sing With a Swing” by DKS. It features a lot of bowler hat play, and gives me the opportunity to type the phrase “bowler hat play.” As expected, these frontrunners nail it, save for one dropped hat moment by Marko, who fixes it just in time to catch Melanie and avoid our first So You Think You Can Cheat Death fatality. All three judges gush and gush.

Sasha sweats like a dude, and according to her partner, “the girl is a waterslide.” Alexander loves to look at himself in the mirror. Maybe Ivetta and he would have been perfect partners. It’s the second Nappy Tabs routine of the night, a super-emotional hip hop piece about a soldier returning from Afghanistan and seeing his wife for the first time, set to Diddy-Dirty Money P.Diddy Puff Daddy Sean Combs the Artist Formerly Known as Puffy Blah Blah etcetera’s “Coming Home.” The two tap into it brilliantly, bringing tears from the panel. Mary’s spray tan looks all the more obnoxious when wet. The piece is one of the highlights of the night.

Chris has a creepy smile when he’s nervous. Ashley thinks she has swag, but she doesn’t! Or does she? EYE OF THE BEHOLDER! For the final routine of the night, it’s a Broadway routine from Spencer Liff, set to “Please, Mr. Jailer” by Rachel Sweet. It’s unique in that it’s danced with the two of them on opposite sides of a set of bars. Lots of leg lifts, kicks and pole dancing. I’m sure there’s a stripper analogy here, but I’m too lazy to find it. Nigel congratulates Spencer, and is impressed with Chris and Ashley’s ability to step outside their usual genres. Debbie thinks it’s just wonderful! And Mary talks about 211 degrees, then 212 degrees, then steam shoots out of her ears and she puts them on the HOT TAMALE TRAIN, which, at this point, is the Austin Powers impression of this show. Or Borat. You choose.

We’re done! A quick recap and the numbers to call, and a reminder that tomorrow THERE. WILL. BE. BLOOD!

–Cole

*Note: I’m in Vegas for the night and won’t be able to recap the results show. Attempting to coerce Vanessa into picking up my slack!

Before I launch into the results show, let me just say this:

This episode has an M. Night Shymalanian twist that YOU WON’T SEE COMING.

Except that I just warned you about it.

It’s Thursday, so it’s time to trim the dance fat, so to speak. Cat appears in a cute pink number and kicks off the opening titles. Then it’s time for a full-cast opening number, set to M.I.A.’s “Xr2,” a thumping electronic dancehall number that quickens the pulse a bit. The dancers wardrobe is very gothic-slutty-Clockwork Orange, complete with Droog canes. The movement is very fierce, strong, precise and a little weird, which means this has to been a Sonya Tayeh routine. Which it is. It’s a fairly strong opener, but it feels like another attempt to capture the magic of that Wade Robson/Roisin Murphy “Ramalama (Bang Bang)” routine from seasons past. Did I just out myself as a hardcore regular watcher? I believe I did.

It’s time for business, and Cat lays out that the bottom three couples will be dancing for their lives, doing individual short routines in their own styles. Mitchell, who couldn’t dance last night do to injury, will be joining them as well and hoping that his stuff is more Black Swan than White Swan to secure a spot going forward. Cat also hints that there’s some exciting (IT ISN’T!) Lady GaGa news coming up and as well as the premiere of her fantastic (IT’S NOT!) new music video. She also informs us that pop sensation Keri Hilson will be performing later (though my DVR says it’s supposed to be Jessie J., but maybe her Price Tag was too high or something). Cat intros your…everybody…judges and the same trio joins us again—executive producer and dance fuddy duddy Nigel Lythgoe, land banshee Mary Murphy, and Will & Grace and Childrens Hospital star Megan Mullally. Nigel tells us all about National Dance Day (it’s July 30th, people, mark your dance cards accordingly) which has become an annual event. They’ll place three routines of differing difficulty online, urging dance flash mobs for charity, or whatever. For those who want to join me, I’ll be tackling the intermediate routine at the Bubba Gumps on the Santa Monica Promenade at high noon. Wear regatta attire.

Dim the lights, here we go, it’s results time! The first three couples take the stage to dramatic music that makes me antsy to lock in my final answer or phone a friend or something. It’s Melanie and Marko up first. After a quick review of their outstanding Travis Wall statues contemporary routine, they are quickly put into safety, and we move on to the other two couples: Missy and Wadi (sexy demons!)  and Iveta and Nick (quality quicksteppers!) Both of their routines are scrutinized, and Cat’s Velcro-sealed envelope reveals that Missy and Wadi are safe…and…wait for it…so are Iveta and Nick! So all three return to home base to dance another day.

We take a quick commercial break and I enjoy a lovely piece of string cheese. I mean, that’s just a great compact snack. Back to the results…three more couples and a half-couple take the stage. It’s Ashley and Chris, who danced a Chris Scott letterman jacket hip hop routine, vs. Clarice and Jess, who Broadway’d it up with a sub-par Tyce DeSNOREio routine (I will not pull my punches with that guy, I’m sorry!). The Hip Hoppers slide in safe, and Clarice and Jess have to take their chances in the dance off. We’re informed that one of the other two pairings are in the bottom three. Will it be Jordan and Tadd (afrojazz warriors. I mean, sexy afrojazz warriors!) or Caitlynn and…Caitlynn (who danced Sonya’s jazz piece to La Roux with season seven’s Robert)? Oh no! It’s Jordan and Tadd! Which means there’s some smoldering solo action comin’ up!

It’s special guest time! This marks the first (and probably last time) I’ve seen a Keri Hilson “performance.” It starts with so much dry ice it looks like she’s lip syncing in a loch. She’s wearing a silver breastplate top and chainmail skirt that makes me wonder if she should be back with the remaining Starks at Winterfell. And boy, that’s some terrible melodic mouthing she’s doing—at one point her feathery shoulder piece (or is it her hair?) lands in her mouth and dispels any sort of illusion that she was actually singing. The song itself, “Lose Control (Let Me Down)” I guess it aptly titled, ‘cuz she clearly lost control of vocals and I am, indeed, let down.

Three more couples, one more slot in the bottom. Ryan and Ricky, who did a lyrical hip hop routine, are safe, and that leaves Miranda and Robert (A gilkerson jive!) and Sasha and Alexander (A tattered Travis Wall contemporary number) to duke it out. I’m afraid the jive didn’t…jive and Miranda and Robert are left to do solos. As the dancers go backstage to prepare, it’s time for another special guest. Cat shows some footage of the series’ all-time low point: the Gopak routine that Philip and Janine danced a few seasons back. To try to make up for it, they bring out a Bolshoi Ballet dancer with some serious leaping skills. Dude can jump, straight up. He’s doing kicks that Chung-Li would be jealous of. It’s a fun, quick diversion before another commercial break and another string cheese.

It’s time for the solos! First up is Mitchell, who shows no sign of injury and he starts with a long slow leg extension and then touches his nose as if he’s demonstrating sobriety at a police checkpoint. This is all done to John Mayer’s tune “Say.” He’s got some skills. Next is Jordan, who takes a gamble and tries a routine that is sexy. It’s to a subtle song called “Hot Like Wow” by Nadia O. She tumbles and does a lot of floor work, and at one point does a tata shake, in case we hadn’t noticed. Bboy Tadd uses that breakdancing anthem, Brian Setzer’s “Jump, Jive n’ Wail,” and does a fun, goofy routine full of windmills and attitude. Clarice tackles Christina Aguilera’s “Glam.” She dances it well, but I’m super distracted by what appears to be a giant wad of toilet paper stuck to her right hip. E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-I-N-G! Broadway Jess dances to Robbie Williams’ version of “Mr. Bojangles,” and again demonstrates that he kills that style. That one, very particular style. Miranda (or, as Cat says in her darling English accent, “Mirander”) dramatically dances to Leonna Lewis’ “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face,” and it’s a pretty passionate solo. One solo to go, and the crowd WOOOOOOOOOOs (and I BAAAAAARF) before Robert is announced, and he pops and locks and does a lot of dice rolling to Omarion’s “Electric.” He has a lot of personality for sure, but this solo doesn’t quite resonate. The judges have a lot to consider, so I guess it’s time for some GaGa!

Cat shows a clip of Lady GaGa making her national television debut on season four, and the video is really weird ‘cuz she’s, like, wearing normal clothing and not a meat suit. She also announces that she’s agreed to be a guest judge on an upcoming episode! It’s time for the debut of her newest music video for the track “The Edge of Glory.” It takes place in a brick apartment building which apparently is being fumigated judging from all the billowing smoke pouring from the windows. What follows is basically just a handful of shots of GaGa looking like a Cruella DeVille call girl, walking down the sidewalk and sorta dancing on the fire escape. E Street Band saxophonist Clarence Clemens appears on the entry way steps. Wisely, they bump to commercial and allow me to collect my third string cheese of the night.

Ok, it’s decision time! The guys are up first and they nervously take the stage. Nigel wishes Clemens a speedy recovery (he recently had a stroke), and then it’s down to business…sort of. In an unprecedented move, he asks two of the fellas to dance again—Mitchell and Robert. It’s disorganized and both dancers seems really surprised, especially Robert who dances again to Omarion and tries to vary his routine with little success. Mitchell twirls to John Mayer again, and then Cat asks Nigel what they want to do. Hemming and hawing, hemming and hawing, they decide to give the girls their news first and send Mitchell and Robert back to the dancer holding tank. The gals get some feedback from Nigel: Jordan is superb, strong, controlled, amazing. Clarice has a smile that can melt and ice cube. Miranda’s elevation is remarkable. So who is going home? Nigel then asks the guys to return to the stage and the dance fire drill continues. Jess is told he is magnificent in his style and it’s puzzling that he’s in the bottom. Tadd is really creative and wonderful at Bboying, which is now a verb. Robert has that big personality and should be on the show a long time (sigh). Nothing is said specifically about Mitchell, which means that he’s going home and—wait—WHAT’S THIS?! NO ONE IS GOING HOME THIS WEEK! AT ALL! SO WHY DID I WATCH THIS? The dancers pile onto one another like they’ve just won the Stanley Cup or didn’t and start rioting Vancouver-style. Nigel is quick to announce that next week, two couples will be going home and to not get too excited, but it’s too late as they high-five and hug-brigade continues into the closing credits. And thus ends the first week of the live shows, where our top twenty dancers were carefully widdled down to…twenty.

Hello! It’s Cole! This is the first of my weekly, hopefully humorous, recaps of the fantastic FOX reality competition, So You Think You Can Dance. It begins….now…

Ah, yes, it must be summer, ‘cuz So You Think You Can Dance is back, and in a big way! We quickly breezed through the audition rounds (Lots of memorable routines! Lots of memorable crazies! Like the “real” Ringo Starr!), had fun in Vegas, and last week met our top 20. Tonight the season really got going as they took the stage for ten great distinct pieces. But I get ahead of myself…

Cat Deeley is a welcome sight (always) in a small black sparkly dress, and she gets the show off to a quick start as she introduces the dancers. Lithuanian ballroom champ Iveta is wearing a weird gold spandexy thing. Robert, the Wooooo man, looks like he burst out of the San Diego Chicken in a tattered yellow shirt and cap. Everyone does a quick move or two in their signature style, and then it’s up to Cat to utter her catch phrase, which she never actually utters anymore, making it possibly the world’s only non-phrased catch-phrase. “Ladies and gentlemen, here are your…“ The crowd finishes her sentence with a hearty “Judges!” and we meet executive producer Nigel Lythgoe, ballroom expert and resident car alarm Mary Murphy, and guest judge Megan Mullally. Megan Mullally? But isn’t she…a comedian? Turns out she’s done several Broadway shows and trained in ballet. So hush up, skeptic recap writer.

We’re informed that Mitchell, a dancer that quite frankly we barely saw in the Vegas and audition rounds and know little about and aren’t yet invested in, injured his elbow and won’t be dancing this evening on doctors orders. He is allowed to shed a single tear and watch from the audience, and doesn’t have to be home getting plenty of rest and drinking fluids or anything. It’s time for our first couple of the night, and before Cat kicks to the pre-taped package she tells us that each of the dancers will have 8 seconds (not a tie in for the 1994 Luke Perry rodeo movie, sadly) to tell us everything we need to know about them, setting them up for HILARIOUS beat-the-clock moments! Shoot. Forgot to put quotes around HILARIOUS. “HILARIOUS.” There. Better.

Time to learn about Jordan and Tadd! Jordan is 19 (it’s her birthday!), she really wants to be a Pussycat Doll (who doesn’t!?), she’s a foodie, and her favorite color is blue. She also dances really sexy, which they made sure we learned in the early rounds. Her partner, Tadd, is a 25-year-old Bboy, he once played a dancing taco, almost got killed by Bollywood, has identity issues, and wants world peace. Fine, but what’s your favorite color, Tadd? They draw “Jazz” and are given an African Jazz routine by buff choreographer Sean Cheesman (The Cheeseman, as he shall now be called, ‘cuz how cool of a nickname is that?!). Jordan is surprised to discover that African Jazz isn’t just African People in African Outfits. She AfriCAN do the choreography, as can Tadd, and the routine, set to Afro Celt System’s “Riding the Waves” is solid, if not a bit forgettable. Unforgettable? Tadd’s Rufio meets Rockadoodle look. It really works for him. Nigel thought they exploded on stage, in a good way. Mary, kooky ol’ Mary, thought the whole studio was shaking (“Did you feel the floor?”). Megan, oddly, is the first to offer any real technique critique, noting Tadd’s great strength and Jordan’s beautiful extensions.

Next up, it’s Sasha and Alexander! Sasha is 23, but often forgets her age (this piece took 58 takes!), and her favorite color is purple. We already know quite a bit about her, as she was a standout (along with her sister) in Vegas. Alexander, 20, is from Alhambra, California and sort of speaks Spanish. They draw “Contemporary” and get to try on a Travis Wall routine, which means you are set up to do well, as he’s the show’s golden child choreographer and consistently does great work. Travis explains that it’s about Alexander’s conscious coming back, or something. No matter, ‘cuz we’re treated to a montage of Sasha beating the crap out of Alexander. Yay Pain! The routine is set to a remixed Sarah McLachlan track, and I must say it’s refreshing to hear her music set to something other than a manipulative animal shelter commercial (Which. Gets. Me. Every. Time.) The piece is full of strong precise movement, and they dance it well. Cat remarks that Alexander looks like Rambo, although he’s wearing grey tattered clothing and doesn’t blow anything up. Mary thinks it was a SLAM DUNK BAM. She uses other Batmanesque onomatopoeia to describe it. She also compliments Sasha, saying she’s strong and dynamic with great stage presence and technique. Alexander was strong, but she thought the two were disconnected. This was echoed by both Nigel and Megan. Nigel also likens Sasha’s right hand to that of Mike Tyson. Here’s hoping she doesn’t bite poor Alexander’s ear off next week.

Let’s meet Clarice and Jess. Clarice is 19, her eyes change color, she’s shy, but then she’s fun! Jess (male), is the broadway wunderkid from Vegas who’s like Evan from the previous seasons, except incredibly socially awkward. He’s 18, loves to sing and dance and make noises like “Poopie!” He’s also incredible at what he does, and low and behold, they draw “Broadway,” and its time for—shit, Tyce Diorio. I’ll be upfront and say that I don’t care for him. If I had a walnut allergy, he’d be my Waldorf salad. Anyhoo, he promises a celebration of dance, character and style. The piece is set to Liza Minelli’s “Me and My Baby,” and while Clarice holds her own, Jess destroys it. But how do Cat’s favorite “pocket-sized couple” fare with the judges? Megan loves it! It’s pure joy on a platter! Nigel enjoyed it, but thinks Clarice will have to do a lot of work to keep up with others in the competition. Mary thinks Clarice isn’t in any danger, but that Jess was perfection.

On to Ryan and Ricky! Ryan nearly made the show last season but was told no, albeit eloquently, by Lil C in front of her family and friends! What a night! She’s here now, she’s a 19 year old Sagittarius who loves Mexican food and Law and Order SVU SO MUCH! Also 19, Ricky…loves cheer music. They draw “Lyrical Hip Hop” and choreographer Chris Scott, who did some memorable mash-up routines in last week’s intro episode. This time, it’s a concept piece where they are in love, but Ryan is gone, see, and so Ricky is dancing with her, but not with her, so she isn’t actually there, but she is, and she’s smiling, but should she be, and, wait, what? Set to a cover of “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Lighthouse Family, it’s fluid and interesting and very well danced. Nigel loved the rhythmic feel of the piece, but was confused by the emotions, as were Mary and Megan. Ryan is quick to defend her grinning choice, saying it’s a happy memory, and then an affair between Cat and Ricky is awkwardly alluded to, and we all have a good laugh, I suppose.

Next up—Caitlynn and Mitchell. Caitlynn is 18, a small-town high school Senior who loves Disney movies and the color green and seems as young as she sounds. Mitchell, 20, is allergic to onions, loves chocolate, childhood movies and the color orange and is, oh yes, injured as we learned at the start of the show, so let’s just skip ahead to where Caitlynn does the routine with season seven’s Robert to La Roux’s “In For the Kill.”  It’s full of all sorts of strong, defiant, powerful poses, because it’s a jazz piece choreographed by Sonya Tayeh, about “what we can accomplish without fear.”  Mary thinks Caitlynn suuuuuure was in it for the kill and that they were lucky to have Sonya. Everyone was impressed by Caitlynn strength and movement, and Nigel gives it tens across the board!

Oh boy. Miranda and Robert. Miranda is 19, from Pittsburgh, loves her family and spicy food and still sleeps with a nightlight. Robert, known as the woooo man, is from Brooklyn, loves to cook fried chicken, plays video games, is super into professional wrestling, and loves dogs and cats. Their card says “Latin,” and that somehow means a jive routine by Jason Gilkerson. Miranda is an unapproachable girl and Robert is a nerd who is gonna go after her anyway. Robert uses a funny character voice and makes a bunch of “wooooooos” and cat and dog noises in his confessional cam, cementing him as this generations Michael Winslow and reminding me that I have a lot of Police Academy fan fiction still to write. The piece itself, set to “Runaway Baby” by Bruno Mars, is energetic, with Miranda dressed like a sexy ‘60s go-go dancer, and Robert wearing sparkly Urkel glasses. The judges eat it up, saying Robert has the most personality on the show, though Nigel thinks he needs to work on his technique and that Miranda needs to be more confident. Robert woooooooos at Mary, Mary screams back at him, and I claw my face off.

Four to go! It’s Missy and Wadi! Missy we only met briefly in Vegas, she was concerned her sexy dancing would make it hard for her to make the show since Jordan also specializes in sexy dancing, but do not fret, sexy ones! There’s plenty of room! Missy likes yoga, lipstick, the fridge, talking in a Jamaican accent, wants to marry an Australian and loves her family. Breaker Wadi got a ton of camera time in the audition rounds and has to be considered an early favorite. He’s 24, born in Jamaica but raised in the U.S., and loves Japanese culture. It’s time for Jazz again, and The Cheeseman returns! The concept is a doozy—see, they’ve opened Pandora’s Box, and unleased demons. But don’t worry, Missy. He wants them to be SEXY demons! So you’re all set! As “Judas” by Lady GaGa starts, the two dancers emerge out of a giant cube and red smoke. The piece itself didn’t do much for me, save for a strobe-lighted section towards the end, but the dancers nailed their choreography. Nigel thinks it’s one of The Cheeseman’s best pieces, and calls Missy one of the beasts of the girls. Girls just LOVE being called beasts, Nigel! He does think she’s the complete package and tells her so. All are impressed with Wadi’s partnering skills, as it’s completely new to him.

And on to the routine of the night! It’s Melanie and Marko! Melanie, the adorable pixie who lost her father a few years back and charmed her way through Vegas with her stunning movement, is a 19-year-old southern belle who used to wear a helmet because she was narcoleptic. Marko, 22, is that guy who still has a bullet lodged in his shoulder from a botched robbery attempt. He’s 22, and doesn’t have a sore throat, it’s just how he always sounds. They get “Contemporary” and we’re treated to another Travis Wall routine, about statues who come to life at night. Part of me was kind of hoping it would be a nod to Mannequin and we’d hear “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” by Starship, but instead it was to Ingrid Michaelson’s “Turn to Stone.” Painted white to look like marble, the two partner brilliantly, and dance it to perfection. The judges give their first standing ovation of the night, and Nigel comments that it could be the first Emmy-nominated routine of the season. Mary is completed choked up and points out how magical the piece was. Megan agrees.

Ashley is 22 and likes waffles, peanut butter toast with BBQ chips and orange soda, and probably indigestion. Her fave color is magenta, she loves Ugg boots, and has swag, evidently. Chris, 21, is from Dallas and is part of a big family. He’s the last of the Bboys. They get “Hip Hop” and Chris Scott, and the routine is about cheating—they are both cheating on each other and find out at the same time! Chris has a hard time with it as it hits a bit too close to home, but he works it out. It’s set to Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You,” a once-great song that that movie The Dilemma ruined for me by associating it with its preview. A pet peeve here—in order to establish their young high school ages in the piece, Chris is wearing—get this—a letter jacket! This happens more often than I would like on this show. It’s a fun, but light, routine, and the judges wonder if people are going to vote for the emotionally charged pieces or the goofy ones this season. These two could be in trouble going into the results show.

One more! It’s Iveta, the 30 year old quickstep champion from NYC via Lithuania, who’d love to have a monkey but the big apple won’t allow it. She’s paired with Nick, the tapper who has a really fun personality! (or so he says, in what I think was kind of an inspired bit to fill up his eight seconds). They draw the dreaded quickstep, which is usually the kiss of death on the show. It’s choreographed by Jason Gilkerson, and set to Sweet’s “Ballroom Bliss.” And, surprisingly, it WORKS. It’s energetic and hypnotic, and the two of them partner very well. Another standing-O from the judges, who of course praise Iveta (who is the best in, um, THE WORLD at this genre) but also have incredible things to say about Nick, who has a terrific carriage and holds his own with the best, prompting Nigel to shout, “TAPDANCERS RULE!”

Cat recaps the numbers to call, and sends us to the phones. Two hours down, and another fantastic season of television’s greatest reality show is truly on!

Gotta love him.

Does anyone else see this? Because I REALLY do– to the point of distraction. Especially when he’s perched on that huge chair on The Voice; tiny legs dangling, arms gleefully clapping or making the international symbol for “drats!” when someone gets his pick. I’m just about ready for him to bonk Xtina with a frying pan.

xo,
v

7 cities. (OC, NY, ATL, NJ, DC, Bev Hills, Miami)
40 women. (I’m not going to write down all their names.)
Countless hours of my life spent watching their (mostly) vapid lives and delighting in their antics. “Antics” is really a far too Lucy & Ethel word for the RHW universe,  but “escapades” is too Janet and “drama” is too 2000.

From weave pulling to table flipping, turtle-timing to arriving late to events, I am utterly captivated.

And I hate myself for it.

But what’s worse than all the time I spend WATCHING these train wrecks (and enduring the network’s chronically-excited nasally voiceover guy sneering “Only on Brah-vo!”)? All the time I spend THINKING about them. About the franchise. About their lives, their hairlines (I’m lookin’ at you, Teresa), their businesses (makeup! wigs! cookbooks! jewelry!  pinot grigio! fancy fat-smushing suits!), their dogs-  my fixation is really quite time consuming.  It hasn’t been this bad since I was obsessed with imagining Beyonce’s conversations with her parents in 2002-2004 (example of a daydream:   Beyonce sits at the kitchen table eating a modest breakfast of hard boiled eggs, as her father paces the room and lectures “You’re out growing Destiny’s Child… I can feel it. Take no prisoners, Beyonce.”  “But dad!  They’re my frie-”  [Mr. Knowles slams his fist on the table, rattling the salt & pepper shakers]”Take no prisoners.”  Tina rushes in from the other room, with a threaded needle in her mouth, holding a half-stitched leather corset for her daughter, “What’s the meaning of this, Matthew?!”)

While I don’t expect or want them to be “real” in any way…. I’ve always felt rather frustrated that so few of them are married.  Housewives- huh!

So, I took hours from my busy schedule (eating cereal from the box takes a LOT of time) and figured out everyone’s marital status. Then I made a chart. View the SHOCKING RESULTS! Ok, the results aren’t shocking at all.  But at least everything is all charted up in one place.  What a scientist-y thing to say.  I really am getting older and wiser.